For an Optimist, I'm pretty Pessimistic

opposite of the Paramore song, "For A Pessimist, I'm an Optimist," but how funny this song seems so fitting today...

"I put my faith in you, so much faith/

And then you, just threw it away..."

It's amazing how hearing someone else's perspective on the same story can just blow you away. Hearing the story of my most recent break up from my ex directly was like we were in two different relationships entirely. My feelings were betrayed. I thought we loved each other equally. But looking back, if he always put himself first, how could our relationship ever be equal? How did I miss that link?!? At least I know now that what happened did not from me. He messed up; It's his fault for feeling this bad.

I was angry, and slowly accepting the situation. Deep down, I really wanted him to win. I want to give him the answers, but he has to learn from his mistake. If he really says who he is now, he needs to act... and act now. Like Lifehouse, "Whatever It Takes."

Dear World

I am looking for love ... career love, where my passion is my work. Where I can give my all in hopes of gaining anything in return; where what you give is what you get; where fulfillment, purpose, & happiness all converge into one goal. I want a job where I can risk my personal life, where I wouldn't mind the annoying email notifications to my phone, where it's all I think about ...

Com'mon passion, consume me!

"Keep me where the light is//[because] We've got dreams to remember..."
-Gravity, John Mayer



(Funny how that's so similar to what I want from a relationship.)

Show me...

Show me what I'm looking for.
Give me what I need.
Show me what I have and where I want to be.
I fear that I may never find IT.

I feel like I am missing something; there's a part of me that is hiding. Something in me that I've missed- or rather- still undiscovered.

Public Profiling

Today, I was Foursquare stalked.

Creepy. Scary!

I walked into REI, got what I needed, saw something cool, checked-in to my Foursquare app, got my points. The next thing I know, the customer service desk is calling me over the PA saying that I need to answer a phone call, the CSR tells me it's an emergency call and the caller told him it was an emergency that I need to answer. I answer, and the man on the other line is incoherent. He tells me "this is Tom, we met last ...- oh wait-" and begins to list off places that I've checked-in that day. I tell him that I don't know him and what did he want, and he responded by telling me that he did not know me either. I hang up.

This man actively sought me out.

In the course of the next 2 hours, I change all my settings for my social network accounts and send in a complaint to Foursquare (or so I thought). I take that back, it wasn't a complaint, but more so a voiced concern- this scenario could have happened to anyone! So how do you weed the creepy trollers out?

And then comes THATGUY... he calls me out publicly on Twitter saying that my problem was how public my profile is. He is some self-proclaimed internet savy know-it-all (that b/c I am graceful, shall remain nameless). Of course! Why didn't I think of that?? I go back to my complain/opinion thread and there it is, him attacking my concern and another's similar concern about privacy. So I do a little "homework" on him... he's responded to over 86 comments on this page. He's the opinion lurker! Wasting his time blasting and inserting his "knowledge" on others.

Changing your privacy settings doesn't fix the problem, it put's a barrier (band-aid if you will) over it. The point of social media websites is to share thoughts & experiences, create a network, and expand your horizons that way. It isn't a place for lurkers to prey and stalk others. But sadly enough, once you open the door, you let the good in with the bad.

For now, taking a Foursquare break. Screw the badges and the points, I just wanted to share a part of my experiences.

Love (noun): An Addendum

I had an interesting revelation this week about love: love is unchanging. Seems simple enough right?

Well, let me try to explain:

Love is seeing past your own insecurities, past your desires, past your ego ... and knowing that whatever direction is chosen, you know it is right/true/provides happiness.
Example: an significant ex tells you they are getting married. Once past the initial shock, next comes abandonment: when did this happen? why didn't this happen with me? a million other questions come flooding in...

But then you take a good look at them, and see how at peace they are at this moment in time. (This is what they mean by "settled.") You feel deep down to your core that you still look at that person with the same conviction, admiration, and respect whether they are by your side or leaving you behind. In a life that changes instant to instant, love is the only feeling that remains.

Someday, someone will put me first.
"I believe that my life's going to see, the love I give return back to me..." (John Mayer - Wheel)

wall + me --> SMACK

it's only been 1.5 weeks that I've been seriously applying for jobs and I've already hit a wall. Overwhelmed would be the word of the evening...

S---
F---
damn it!

figuring out my entire future without being paid for is a rather large load.

throwing the towel in for today, i've got nothing. poo.

Swift kick in the youknowwhat

so, i've come to realize that being laid off is about a 1/2 step up from being fired. you were the expendable one; the one where the company could do without. although i think i'd characterize my being laid off from this position along the lines of being broken up with where you wanted to break it off 1st. damn, those work fantasies of going 'office space' on the fax machine will never come true now.

all jokes aside, so what now?

i am so fortunate to have such supportive family and friends be right there by my side. not just financially, but just offering words of support, advice, a laugh, shoulder to cry on... it's a very scary/confusing/liberating time. it's one of those things where you were stuck in this gianormous rut and this is the swift kick in the ass to really get your life together. it's like being shocked back to life.

the scary part of this process is that i am finding myself so easily vulnerable- in situations where i was confident before, there have been a few instances where i didn't even know what to do with myself. even in social situations, i almost feel i've regressed because of this hit to my ego. interesting isn't it?

so life, as i know it, consists of: networking, applying for jobs, following up on leads, finding different ways to gain skills/expand my resume (e.g. volunteer/part-time work), cleaning, training (I still have the Solvang Century on 3/13 & LA marathon on 3/21). and what of relationships? definitely on the backburner until i can get a handle on things, including myself. till then, i am pretty content on being 3rd/5th/7th/9th/11th wheel or running the perfect guy ;)

perspective. it's so loaded now ...