my wish list

Life:

• have a family of my own --> husband & 2 children, maybe 3 ... to raise and support them with a lifestyle where they wouldn't have to worry about food, money, and other convinences that i take for granted
• own a house
• job satisfaction
• travel --> fill my passport / stepped foot on every continent

the Present:

• PT school
• financial independence
• a new(er) car
• toned body
• romantic relationship

Physically:

• bball - handles / being able to take it to the rack / blocking ppl
• do a pull-up
• 1 armed push-ups
• running - complete 1/2 marathon
• start swimming/cycling again

Romantically:
(in no particular order)

• at the very least my height or TALLER
• athletic w/some affinity to basketball
  
• spontaneously fun / loves to try new things
  
• thoughtful / showing that he thinks of you via his actions
• romantic
• takes initiative
  
• good listener
• makes me laugh / likes to laugh with me (not at!)
  
• inquizative / thinks critically
• understanding
• self-aware
  
• passionate about life
• easy-going
• sense of style / knows how to dress for the occassion
• pretty eyes
  
• gives great hugs
• strives to understand me
• steadfast / won't neglect me in a time of true need
• patient
• emotionally available
  
• loves to spend time with me / willing to make time for me
• opens me up / expands my world
• loves my quirks / dorkiness / vulnerabilities
• compromises
• keeps his word
• likes music in some way, shape or form
• makes me feel safe & secure
• makes me feel special
• someone i can be silly and dorky with
• someone who makes a good teammate
  

Mellyville: the "IT" factor

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fvVZegDnbJU

"Sober" - Kelly Clarkson

And I don't know
This could break my heart or save me
Nothing's real
Until you let go completely
So here I go with all my thoughts I've been saving
So here I go with all my fears weighing on me

Three months and I'm still sober
Picked all my weeds but kept the flowers
But I know it's never really over

And I don't know
I could crash and burn but maybe
At the end of this road I might catch a glimpse of me
So I won't worry about my timing, I want to get it right
No comparing, second guessing, no not this time

Three months and I'm still breathing
Been a long road since those hands I left my tears in but I know
It's never really over, no

Wake up

Three months and I'm still standing here
Three months and I'm getting better yeah
Three months and I still am

Three months and it's still harder now
Three months I've been living here without you now
Three months yeah, three months

Three months and I'm still breathing
Three months and I still remember it
Three months and I wake up

Three months and I'm still sober
Picked all my weeds but kept the flowers

Dear House,

Taken from 'Spirit' Magazine, by Melinda Mahaffey --> as i was on my flight back to the bay ... i thought this was quite fitting b/c it describes my frustrations and attachments and ideals of 'HOME'


I am afraid for you. Mom and Dad have decided to sell. The kids are moving out, and it's time for retirement. A lot of the houses in our neighborhood have been torn down in the last few years to make way for McMansions that dominate .... and I'm afraid that this will be your fate as well. I don't understand people who so carelessly destroy a house, b/c a house is more than bricks and mortar. You have been the receptacle of our memories and our dreams.

I don't know if everyone has such an affinity for the house where they grew up. Do they dream of it still, or have they just passed on to their next abode, without thought for what they have left behind? Yes, I know I'm too old to be attached .... but we always made our way back to you. In the midst of change, you were the one constant in my life - the string that kept me from floating off. You were the place that kept me rooted to the ground, the acre that gave me a hometown when all my meager possessions were packed into a 9-year-old's cardboard boxes.

Can it really have been so long? When i look back, I can see ... the small walled garden that was overgrown with bamboo, a mini-jungle that i was afraid to walk into just in case there was snakes waiting to get me ... All of these things have disappeared over the years in the name of remodeling. But even though you have changed, the essence of you, which is buried deep in me, has stayed the same.

The funny thing is, you have changed me too, changed me in a thousand tiny ways. Through the years of blind habit, I hand my clothes backward in foreign closets b/c your close rails are reversed. I automatically lower the showerheads to shoulder height in hotel bathrooms b/c I'm now taller than the fixture that towered above my head when I was little.

As I grew up, you protected me through storms. Not only the dramatic ones that passed through ... but also the storms in life: the school exams, breakups, and painfully earnest teenage years. You have have listed to my phone conversations and never gossiped about what you've heard. But more than that, you have give me the courage to go out into the world b/c I've know that you would take me back, w/o question and w/o judgement. A girl could not ask for more.

Now I see that I'm more afraid for myself than for you - selfishly afraid that when you're gone, I will have no home. I've skipped around the world and returned again; you string became the rubber band that snapped me back.

I imagine that for some years in the future, I will drive by just to see you, to make sure your new owners love you as we loved you. But know that whatever happens, I will carry you with me. You are the bricks and mortar of who I am, the still point in a world of chaos.



Thank you 2125 Sea Cliff Way. one day i hope to buy you back :)

the "IT" factor

I am haunted by years of English grammar for the usage "it." The vagueness this pronoun possess, indirectly refers to a previously mentioned subject, also known as an "anticedent" (see i still remember!). In any rate, upon determining greatness, I keep hearing that the person has to have this "it"-factor. All those episodes of "American Idol" or "Making the Band" where judges determine: this person's got "it."

What is this factor and quality that must exist? Several avenues blur past my mind as i think about "it."

I've had the unfortunate experience where a guy I was dating said ending our relationship stating that "it" wasn't enough. Sounds heartbreaking (and it was at the time), however, let's explore this ... must learn from your past to get to your future right? Right.

Now let's take how or why 2 people come together to formulate a relationship: they meet; they make emotional/physical connections; they become a couple. The "it"-factor delineates that a romantic relationship between 2 people is a combination of mutual attraction/respect, openness for a relationship, and a blinding trust in the other.

At times, there is the case in which all these factors appear to be in your favor: you are attracted to the person and you have a great time with them ... in fact, there's nowhere else you'd rather be. And yet, even you, know deep down something's missing: the "it"-factor. Some people are baffled by couples who seemingly aren't compatible or physically complementary are together, and they ask themselves, "how does that work?".
The answer is, "it" just works. We're not sure how, when or why ... but when you come across the person that belongs to you, you will just know "IT."

Star Maps

Stars, constellations, falling stars, the night sky ... one of my favorite things to do since childhood was to look up to these brilliant masses of gas and light and just wonder about the world. I would pretend the moon followed me wherever i went. The summer before I entered high school, I made a wish I'd make the varsity volleyball team on a falling star. When I look up, it's this calming and sense of enwonderment that makes me hopeful.

Perphaps, in a more religious sense, it is to look to God for some direction. In nautical terms, sailors traditionally used the stars to map their course at night. However, at times, I dont know what the heck I am are looking up there for. I dont know which constellation I am looking at ... and realize - "I hadn't the faintest idea how the night sky might serve as a road map. How could stars, sparkle as they might, help me find my way if they keep moving? (The Life of Pi, 193)." My life, in that moment, was clearly and concisely defined in those 2 sentences. I guess on this road of life, we're only suppose to look back upon where we've been and keep creating the rest as we go along.

No one person can predict what will exactly happen in their life or others. Parents and loved ones can earnestly hope that you take your life in one direction because they want the best for you. But it's not so simple. A friend of mine once said, "greatness doesnt happen without hardwork." Every single person on this planet can do anything if they truly want it. If you have the mindset and the passion, you will succeed.

Smarty Pant Moment

i believe that every event has a certain place and time ... we just cant see the plan :-)

my inspiration: 'serendipity'