pants on fire!

liar liar ... pants on fire.
a lie is a lie is a lie is a lie.

if i had a nickle for everytime i've been caught in a lie, i could buy myself a nice bottle of wine. yipes. i remember hiding bowls under my bed for the ice cream i "secretly" ate ... only to see the disgusted look on my parents face and taunting laughs some childhood friends gave when they exposed the ugly truth.

most lies are generated as an excuse ... to justify doing something you know is wrong, but feel compelled to do so inspite of everything. something you are supposedly suppose to grow out of. right?

well, apparently not me. at this day in age, all the so-called self improvements that i've made feel nullified because i lied. lies hurt. and i truly didnt mean to hurt a close friend. i wanted satisfaction at any cost. but that price tag is just too high ...

all in all, ive been lying to myself. justifying way too many things for the way that i operate. for the most part, things are fine. but when u get to down to the core, this way isnt at all right and inappropriate for me.

i found my new year's resolution: to be honest - with myself. that way i can be truly earnest to others. whole-hearted in all my actions. i want this resolution to stick ... forever.

... i pray for forgiveness and peace.

naps are wonderful

yet another perfectly put thought of the day by realsimple.com (which i should start subscribing to too!!):
No day is so bad it can't be fixed with a nap. -- Carrie Snow

thank goodness for the treatment tables and private rooms at work =) 15 minutes to reset, feel refreshed ... add a little caffeine and you're good to go for the long-haul!

this is why i <3 naps *^_^*

it's simple really

Put your heart, mind, intellect and soul even to your smallest acts. This is the secret of success. -- Swami Sivananda
yay for the realsimple.com thought of the day on my igoogle page.

i liked that one, especially because i know a very successful person who does that in every aspect of their life. i'd love to emulate that ... yup, uploaded onto my 'ways to improve' list.

christmas was a blur, but im glad to be apart of bringing joy to family =)

onto new year's .... resolutions? hmm, none of them i never really keep .. in any rate, i always strive for self-improvement/balance ... making it better than the last.

hopes for '08: a great future and happiness. that's all i can ask for really.

so i will keep chugging along.

focus .... breathe ... focus.

ouch, man. ouch.

i hate it when a person whom you think you can trust completely .... somehow finds their way to utterly disappoint you - to the point where you never thought it was possible they could hurt you that way.

this is why i have trust issues: it makes me think i expect too much from people.

a very good year

like a fine red wine. i like to think that 2007 was one full of emotional growth and self-actualization. i tried my best in everything i did. loved and cherished all those closest to me. took a step forward. hopefully santa will see how hard i've been working all year long & grant me a really great christmas wish! :P (hey santa, dont forget i'll be staying at grandma's this year!)

only good things to come .... i can feel it *^_^*

ps - if you arent in the christmas spirit yet ... watch "this christmas" =)

so close! and yet, so far...

like mile 10.0 of 13.2 by foot or mile 34.2 of 45.0 and having your bike chain break ...

i learn a new life lesson every week or so. i'm not perfect, but i am me. i had a conversation yesterday with my bff. her and i are like 1 mind at times, and a characteristic we share in common is that we're both bubbly about 89.5% of the time. she was telling me how it annoyed her that those around her are at a lost when she isnt bubbly. i said, "i know!!"

so ive decided that i have to figure out a new procedure for when shit hits the fan ... instead of freaking out and getting stressed out and thinking omg-the-world-is-coming-to-an-end ... and probably more importantly, taking it out on ppl - esp those closest to me. in other words, i need a more constructive outlet. i exercise a lot and do yoga (from time to time) .... perphaps a new mental approach.

i think i'll know the right person when i can tell him:
You see everything, you see every part
You see all my light and you love my dark
You dig everything of which I'm ashamed
There's not anything to which you can't relate
And you're still here.

WORD!

Just Perfect

these words struck me when i was at the laundromat the other day with my ipod on blast:

Oh God grant me the serenity to accept the things that I cannot change
The courage to change the things that I can
The wisdom to know the difference
... and God give me the courage to love with an open heart,
An open heart, an open heart I wanna love with an open heart
... with an open heart

"Intro: Loving" - India Arie

mental mush

no vivid prose today, just random thoughts:

• im so over my physiology class .... and i still cant find that final push to actually study.
• i am sad. but i will be ok.
• i thought i had made progress, but now i dont feel so strong anymore - like there is some void all of a sudden.
• you were my rock where i placed my hand.
• i wonder if i had given enough for you to return back to me.
• no one has ever been able to reach me like you.
• have u ever felt like the advice your friends give you feels wrong?
• i wonder if you will find yourself back with me. i think that is what makes me the most uncertain, and indirectly the saddest ... i just dont know. i know that we always come back together - whether one person ends it and when we least expect it.
• but today i am sad ... i wanna help ... i wish i could help ... be there for you like you did for me, but you and i both know that's not what you need right now.
• maybe i was the one who deals with things in the most efficient way possible that it wore you down.
• deep down, ive always wanted you near.

"and that's the way this wheel keeps working out ... " - john mayer

It's beginning to look alot like Christmas

...everywhere you go....

i love that song. i was on my bike today where i started to sing to myself "this christmas" & later on proceeded to put in my 98-degrees christmas cd in (hey, they do a really great job w/the accapellas!) i think one of the reasons why people attenuate christmas on being special is because of the joy, wonderment and magic that occurs during the holiday season.

christmas is always filled with tradition and wanting to be close to those you love. i think i've had pretty lonely christmas pasts over the past few years. that sucks. i'd love nothing more than to have someone special to trudge to the mall or look online for ... to see the joy i brought for them for christmas.

one of these days, someone will do that for me. dear santa, please bring me someone like that.

on a different note, i like to joke around with my friends when things in my romantic life go awry that it's similar to carrie from 'sex and the city' or meredith from 'grey's anatomy.' today, i feel like carrie, an episode where she's yelling at mr. big: everytime we become something, i get burned. everytime .... i get hurt.

songs to fit my mood:

1. "the trouble with love is" - kelly clarkson
2. "breathe in breathe out" - mat kearney
3. "wonderful world" - james morrison
   
4. "i'll be home for christmas" - [insert your favorite artist here]

Level Up

remember a rousing game of 'super mario brothers'? as for me, my parents never let me and my brothers have one. i guess thinking back, we weren't home THAT often and we had a computer. anyways, well with any video game, our protagonist is in search of something (e.g. a prize, princess, secret magical land, etc) and he/she has to fight many battles, use their problem solving skills, and test themselves physically (as 2-d can possibly present).

this reminds me of life. a person has a dream and struggles like crazy in all aspects to attain it.

this week has been so emotionally difficult for me. i had faced a part of my past i have gladly moved on from, but at the same time grounded b/c i feel like i haven't traveled as far as i thought. these two individuals were both at one time in my life extremely close to me. for some worldly reason, relationships with each of these individuals did not work out. however, in my most reason conversations with them, both have attacked my character. i felt insulted, and i feel misrepresented.

in the past 2 years, i know i have matured emotionally. after overcoming everything from grad-school rejections, lost lovers, to family quarrels .... i am so much more self-assured in my own abilities. and i try my best for understanding from all sides of the story. in short, i have a descent account for my emotions.

i do have a sensitive side .... others have called it 'vulnerability.' however, it's never stopped me from eventually succeeding. i have fought my own battles, never asking anyone to fight them for me. i reach out to people when there is doubt, when i lose some of that self-assurance. no person is an island and cannot forge into battles on their own. a true friend in my eyes is one who will stand side-by-side next to me ready to fight with me and not for me.

to truly know and love a person, you love the good with the bad; you enjoy the good and understand the bad. to know me, is to know all sides of me. i may smile a lot and seem happy all the time ... and 90% of the time, that's true. but hey, im human - that's why i have great friends to listen & this blogger account.

i fight for a better version of me. advancing to the next level soon!

Once upon a time ...

... i fell in love at first sight. it was that breath-taking/surprise at every corner/head over heel/i thought he was the one for me kind of love.

... once upon a time i could trust my heart completely.

but the fairy tale didnt come true. he gave into his fears and as did i. he hurt me, i hurt him. no matter what, the warmth of those times will keep my heart warm.

... and when the dust cleared and settled this is what i saw: he is exactly the same person as he used to be. i know i wronged him. he said he's forgiven me, but it sure doesn't feel like it.

i am a better person now. he cannot take that away from me. i brought myself back from darkness. i have come so far from where i was, and i have so much more to go! i am strong now - no fair trying to drag me back to where you are.

...once upon a time was then .... and this is now damn it.

Thanks Ali :)

she sent this to me via AIM one nite:

"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbled or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena; whose face is marred by dust and sweat and blood; who strives valiantly; who errs, and comes short again and again, because there is no effort without error and shortcoming; who does actually try to do the deed; who knows the great enthusiasm, the great devotion and spends himself in a worthy cause; who, at worst, if he fails, at least fails while daring greatly.

Far better is it to dare mighty things, to win glorious triumphs even though checkered by failure, than to rank with those poor spirits who neither enjoy nor suffer much because they live in the gray twilight that knows neither victory nor defeat." ~Theodore Roosevelt

the resilency-gene

there she lay, her body not her own. she wore a light brown mandarin collared dress with dark brown buttons. she had no hair (a side effect from the intense chemotherapy treatments). her eyes closed, hands crossed below her abdomen. a blanket of red roses lay over her casket (a gift from my auntie). we all said our goodbyes to a mother, mother-in-law, and grandma.

her name was so-ping "sophie" wong. i know she was a resilent woman, a trait so promenently expressed through my father ... a trait i proudly possess. she wanted to be a nurse, but met my grandfather and then had my dad. my grandfather died in 1964. she was a strong woman: she immigrated to america, raised 2 other children, and became a beautician all on her own. she was a modest woman who lived for her family and faith.

2 of my cousins spoke at her funeral. for a short period i was jealous. they knew her. she did their hair growing up and getting ready for dances and formals ... she talked to them about their lives and cared for them afterschool like any other grandparent would ... she made them her chicken specialty to take with them to school. my brothers and i, werent so lucky.

despite my complicated family geneology, i am proud to say that even though i didnt know her, i am a product of her values. perphaps there is some wong-family gene for resilency, for it's fueled my life and helped me succeed thus far. speaking of genes, my dad looks a lot like her.

Mirror Mirror in the wall ...

who do i see? do i look different from when i was a child? i sure do feel different.

i came to the horrible conclusion last night ... i surely dont hate the way i look nor do i hate who i am or who i've become ... i hate WHERE i am.

where i am, is miles from where i want to be. eons far from PT school, establishing myself in this world. as in one of my recent posts, i dont even have time to keep my room/apt clean, catch up with my friends, cook for myself, be the uber nerd i am at heart. i want to be able to handle it all, but it's all barreling out of control. i want to say that i aced my classes while working AND getting into PT school! yes, i am out to prove a point. but i guess i just want to ensure that my life has purpose. i feel that my purpose is to help heal. and i have chosen it through PT. sometimes im not sure if PT wants me though.

discourgagement, frustration, self-doubt hits. laughter helps. i think i get that from my grandpas ... they laughed a lot when they were alive. im dorky b/c of my mom.

i know i can do this. but sometimes, these other unplanned obstacles are the ones that trip me up.

suck it up! i can do this. cardiac physiology, you're so gonna get owned on tuesday! i AM hardcore. i will succeed because failure is not an option.

*cheers*

Insomnimaniac

i havent slept for 2 days ... going on 3. interesting feeling. im tired, but i know that all-nighter feeling where i cant wait to slip into a deep sleep. yet, i peacefully rest for about an hour and then i wake up. such a frustrating feeling ... it's not quite grouchy but friends and loved ones beware! hah! :P

i didnt think that my grandmother's passing would affect me this way. after all, i had not seen her since i was like 8 ... or 10 even. i think the tragic part of it all was that i never knew her nor did i get to say goodbye. sometimes i think my dad's story would make such a great book. his stories about how family members immigrated over and how difficult it was during WWII or the veitnam war. i think that's why i love history ... i get that from my dad.

on a different note, shortly after my grandmother's passing, my family and i had a long overdue pow-wow about issues that have been looming for over a year now. probably one of the most difficult moments ive had to emotionally endure in a long time. it's funny how a death in the family can bring a family closer and ironic to see first hand how history could actually repeat itself if action isnt taken.

i think the effects of this wong-family-pow-wow has not worn off yet and attributing to my insomnia. yuck! i remember when i lied to or hurt my parents for some selfish reason or another .... my dad acted like his heart was broken. i didnt think that a family member could break your heart. but that rainy saturday afternoon in san francisco, i felt it crack. my heart yearned for him ... give him understanding, perspective, peace of mind, and acceptance. i am blessed to have endured all that i have gone through to be able to think this way (it was extremely hard at the time of course!). but insight is so crucial.
in the words of bens folds five, "she a brick and [he's] drowning slowly ... off the coast and [he's] going nowhere."

family. it's like your brain cells - you only get one set for life, cherish them. you love family no matter what. they are truly there when all the dust has settled. family is love in it's purest and yet communal form. happy families exist. but happy families also go through rough times. never disown your family for something so illusive! it does not - in no shape, way or form - take away from the love we have for each other.

i wonder if i'll be able to sleep through the night tonite....

It Won't Be Soon Before Long

Finally! caught Maroon 5 last nite @ the Staples center =)
great seats! RIGHT in the center, 1 section up from the floor. i think my favorite things about concerts these days are the light displays ... i'll post pics in a bit ... and the encores, there's always something really cool about the artist. like adam lavinge rifting like an og rockstar or him blaring away on the snare drums with his drummer. or even back when i saw john mayer, his acoustic version of "slow dancing in a burning room."

... it wont be soon before long ....

• until another test, another application
• errands to do, bills to pay
• i get to share the holidays with my family
• seeing my most cherished friends

does anyone have a friend or family member that you dont really know, but feel obligated toward? {in respect to my family i have to keep the circumstances private}

i consider myself a compassionate person, easily putting others above her own needs. but this time, i only feel an obligation since part of my blood is from them. through no fault of my own. but i question if i am suppose to feel ... something ... besides empathy. realistically, there is no connection due to their choice that has rippled itself to me and my siblings. however, if i were in their position, family or not, i would hope they extend the same care for me. and so, i will do what i can - pray and hope for the best - leaving the rest up to God.

...it wont' be soon before long ....

that our time on earth is done too. the question is, did you live passionately ... full of love for family, life, others? did you make it worthwhile to validate your existence? someone asked me last year, "what is the meaning of life?" i answered, "to live and learn to every extend possible." my lovely med school pal, nikki, once told me when i was down, "it's not over until you're dead." until then, keep kicking, swimming or fighting!

ps - officially and gladly jumping off the wagon this weekend :) [happy birthday timbo, shorty and jtsuno]

crave

i gave into my chocolate craving .... oh it was a good piece though: dove dark chocolate ~ YUM! but inside the wrapper was a thought of the day type deal. it said, "sing along with the elevator music," just as the song "bittersweet symphony" by the verve was playing. that inspired me to blog.

thanksgiving is just around the corner. it's coming. it doesnt seem like it, but 2 weeks away! i cant wait to see my family. it's weird how lately both my mom's side and dad's side have been more tightly knit lately than ever. call it, the asian lack of communication gene. but especially since my immediate family is so scattered it's imperative that we do so. come to think of it, even with my 2nd family (my girls!) we've been doing so for awhile now, but lately i've come to cherish our plans made because we rarely see each other now.
ahhh, growing up......

my life since september has been pure chaos. i would love a routine ... even just for a month. im trying to get my life in order since it's a daily juggling act and not fall behind. i feel like i have to get it all done it one day: work, homework, study, clean, cook, workout, prepare a portion of an application..... and it starts all over again each day. i think realistically, ive sacrificed the cooking or cleaning or working out or applications - but getting 3-4 things of the daily list done is still exhausting. i hope i dont get sick, esp since there's a bug in the air & the weather's changing finally.

last nite i had a dream and there was this symbol that appeared. im a believer that dreams mean something. this symbol is a person i knew, but not really too extensively. in any rate, i've come to the conclusion that everytime i start to get serious with someone and that person appears in a dream - it's gonna be a big relationship. the odd thing is, my symbol appeared 2x in the past month. that's rare. i wonder what that means.

cant wait to let loose this weekend in norcal *^_^*

Limbo... right?

usually i have some creative pity thematic blog, but it wont be one of those today. i apologize. i blame the self-induced emotional rollercoaster i put myself on and my lack of sleep.

i had all these thoughts running through my head at a million miles an hour that i couldnt find the source of it. it bugged me. i let it fester for another 14hrs or so .... but by 1:01am tuesday morning, i couldnt take it anymore. to my journal i went (because i was still lacking a computer). my journal is simple. my uncle gave it to me when i was a sophomore in high schoool as a christmas gift with a cute pen. it has a picture of a schnouzer (b/c i am the year of the dog) and is spiral bound. i write in it if i cant sleep ... like that night.

i like to puruse the last entry i wrote or randomly pick from something a million and a half years ago. but that nite, i just picked the last one. it was from june 20, 2007. coincidentally enough, i was still venting about the same things. it struck me because that seemed so long ago, and yet, a similar situation that kept me up feeling flustered and vulnerable. i realized that i needed to get real with myself. i decided i truly wanted to be happy and that i was gonna really put my all into the steps to get me there. i was chasing ideas and things that didnt seem 100% me, but it was almost flirting with having to feed my ego .... (but oh, those things woulda been so great!)

more importantly, i learned that i needed to be more genuine with people. i would love to get back to the mentality that i could talk to another without having to guess how they would react if i did/said something. having not to do something to get a reaction out of them and hoping it'd be enough to create sparks...... it's like stimulating a nerve cell to generate an action potential, but the cell hasnt become depolarized enough for the action potential actually be made - so nothing happens. (yes, that was my nerd moment that hit me studying on sunday).

so goodbye to the thought of potentials. i'll know the real deal when it gets here!

no more over thinking. more action. /-\+ (that's my cowbell ... more cowbell!)

Endurance

1/2 marathon: 13.1 miles = DONE =) official finish time: 2hrs, 17 min, 45 sec. (-4 min for resting)

after about 6 weeks of "official" training, all mileage and sweat and nites of worrying i'd be able to squeeze a run into my day paid off. miles 1-3 were a slight blur: filled with looking for my bff luan whom i missed becuase of timing coordination mishaps (due to masses of people looking to park in downtown long beach), snaking through the walkers, and finding a good pace to stay at. miles 3-6 felt good, i was warmed up, picked up my pace a bit, and was enjoying the dock-side scenery. miles 6-9 were fairly grueling probably because thousands of people were squished into the bike path along the beach. it was beautiful, but like i said squishy. hehe. by mile 9, i was extatic, only 4 miles left .... mile 10, Gu-refueling station, mile 11-12: my legs were feeling tired and a bit numb. i must say, mile 12-13.1 ............ longest ever!

but i did it. i felt so accomplished. physically, my legs havent been this sore in a long while. mentally, i feel really proud of myself and my friends who finished it as well. growing up, i hated endurance sports .... when i was on the swim team in middle school, i was a sprinter. prior to starting my annual mud runs, i had never run more than 3 miles in my life. maybe biking doesnt quite apply to me, but for all intense purposes, i always hated the first 8-10 miles of the ride my parents/family would drag me on.

in any rate, this weekend was actually really inspirational for me. on friday, i learned something new: how to hit a taiko drum. yay ucla yukai taiko! it was really refreshing to meet new people, even though i was literally the oldest one there. they were all filled with such passion for taiko and for each other that their energy radiated to everyone around - including me.

on saturday, i officially have given up every saturday for the next 6 months to Team in Training. biking 100 miles in march! as i listened to an honored member speak of everything that he went through. he endured. after beating hodgkin's disease and leukemia, then a shoulder replacement, a hip replacement, and then a heart replacement (all secondary to chemotherapy), he did a triathalon with team in training in 2006. he said that he never ever wanted to forget that feeling of crossing the finish-line ever again (which is why he's doing it again).

his story made me think, when you are at your lowest of lows ... like facing death ... it's accomplishing the impossible that makes life entirely worth enduring every single hardship. training ... life experiences .... they are all lessions/hardships/etc you learn from and take with you for the real test - whether it be something as big as cancer or a race event or test ... there is nothing like that feeling of accomplishment. the moment you stop feeling, you are dead.

flashing back to mile 12 yesterday morning, it made me realize the interplay of life/endurance/accomplishment. i felt so much anticipation to finish ... it was a nearly indescribeable feeling. It really makes me feel like i can accomplish anything again. Yes, it will be hard, but i must endure. and endure i will .... and success to me now is like my mile 12 of 13.1.

feeling ... i never want to stop feeling.

Swim or Die Trying

I can only describe this week as treading water ... as hard as i possibily can, to keep from drowning. I like to call it: school-blues. I quickly flash back into my undergraduate and high school days where everything seemed to be poking at me in all directions, demanding my full attention. the past month, i have been taking it from all sides: work, school, home, physically, emotionally.

but today, i feel defeated. i have relied on things that are completely and utterly failing me at this point, and the only way to is to fix it but i can't afford it (e.g. my dear old brenda and computer). but i think the phone call from my dad today was the last straw.

i admit it, i am a twenty five year old woman that is still not financially independent. not because i choose to be, but because i am off chasing my dream. i was glad that my parents had decided to support me, but that was 2 years ago. and now, 2 years later, i feel as though their expectations aren't emotionally worth the my efforts. i can imagine my parents belaying the fact that i am not yet successful - or not even on track to be successful - at their dinner parties/social events/meeting new friends. i feel cursed the day that wretched email went out from you-know-who.

it was scary actually thinking about giving up my dream to make my parents happy (= finanically independent). all of this made me think: what is this all really worth? what have i accomplished in the past 3 years except falling flat on my face time and time again.

i hoping this is the kick in the butt that i need to get me into gear ... if only i had the time. so i have to make time ... (and hopefully not get sick) =(



Here's something i found post-writing this blog: by Kristina Grish (one of my new fav bloggers @ women's health mag)
Take the Wrong Path
I break such a sweat shaping my future according to expectations that when I'm thrown a curve, I see it as a personal affront and major energy-suck. Gena simply adapts. She isn't afraid to make mistakes or quit with no strings attached. I recently struggled for months over whether to break a contract because I no longer believed in the project. Gena advised: "Walk away. It's not you anymore." Of course, she was right. In her world, mistakes lead to more fuck-ups. (PS: That's not a bad thing.)
http://www.womenshealthmag.com/article/0,6176,s1-21-80-1881-1,00.html

Make Me Earn It

I like to keep some inspirational tidbids here b/c my memory fades, and i know when i look back i can look at this again and fill myself with a large cup of hope.



"Brick walls are there for a reason. They let us prove how badly we want things." -Randy Pausch (Carnegie Mellon University computer-science professor)
http://online.wsj.com/article/SB119024238402033039.html?mod=Moving+On


thanks do, it's awesome to get thru the mornings via gchat!

Fall Back & Spring Foward

call me a sentimentalist .... and i say this every year, but i love fall. it brings back the excitement of the 1st day of school / monday night football / the weather turning a bit cooler / sweater sales / backpacks filled with pens and notebooks / and most fondly: volleyball. :)

it rained last friday/saturday here in LA. saturday poured like cats and dogs out. seeing falling rain is romance in physical form. it's cold and comforting, drenching and bittersweet, sad and calming all at the same time. it makes you want to be cozy with hot chocolate, soft sweats and someone. on such rare southern californian occassions, i love to play "4 seasons of loneliness" not b/c im lonely (for the most part) but it just fits - like hot tomato soup and a grilled cheese sandwich. hahaha.

i would say my last post was quite sentimental, just because this time of year was quite different from where i am now. i like it now. i dont think i would be myself if i had stayed back there. in anyrate, time to spring foward admist fall (when you're suppose to fall back).

my most recent woes have been feeling very disconnected with the world, rather, my world. last week, myspace was officially filtered out of work-internet usage ... and sadly, gchat AND facebook fell victim to it today. in my craziness that i call school and work = life, i rarely have time to just chat anymore with close friends or continue my networking with old/newer friends on myspace. i was content as using it as my passive aggressive medium for keeping in touch since i never had time outside of work to do keep up with ALL of them. but now with running around for school and a computer virus at home ... i feel so .... cut off.

in my speech class, one student couldnt decided on her topic to make our first speech about, so she made a survey to help her choose between 2 topics. 1 of them was about internet communication. it sparked a small debate in class where my professor stated that she preferred to see the person b/c u miss out on so much. prior to that comment, i was completely for all for the gchat/aim/myspace/facebook/texting/emailing/cell phone calls .... why? because my family - this includes my biological family as well as 'the ohana' (the girls + a several priveleged few) - are so far away. and as of this year, it seems as though everyone just keeps going further away one-by-one. :( it really does make me sad and thankful at the same time. sad, for those who arent here or get to spend time doing random things like laundry or miso salmon/spaghetti nights with. but thankful for those who are still here. :)

as i begin my official 7th year in Los Angeles, California, i have yet to figure it out completely. "you know, that's the funny thing about life ... how it just jumps up and surprises you." - steve martin in 'father of the bride.' yes, the air quality/parking/traffic/hollywood-type snobby egocentric people really get on my nerves. however, i think ive made a fairly descent home for myself with a great network. i must remind myself though, that life is in a constant state of change where it's almost damn near impossible for things to ever stay the same. as i see myself for the next few months, that it's time to branch out. for example, going back to smc - i come into contact with new classmates or starting team-in-training for that century bike ride = new people. amist my crazy schedule, i somehow have to keep my eye on the prize.

(however, i think my norcal friends would love to hear that in the event i dont make it into PT school again, i'd seriously consider a move up north to get my bearings again.)
BUT that's not gonna happen!!! (sorry kids, i miss and love u much :P)

All Good Things

this just so happens to be the same title for 2 different artists' songs for the same topic: a lost love.

the first, Nelly Furtado - her song is meloncholy and very reflective with an extremely catchy beat (i think i chalk that up to the acoustic guitar strumming in the background). the song is deep, with lyrics such as, "flames to dust, dust to wind / why do all good things come to an end?" so many layers ... this probably why i love lyrics so much. they're so exquistely worded.

the second is Mandy Moore. as an artist/actress, she's extremely loveable with such an inviting personality. her song provides me this sort of comfort about a certain heart break that continues to fester. her song describes her frustration about being too forgiving toward her ex-love and continues to always thing of him in a good light ... she's stuck on thinking only good things about him. i just came across this song this week, so my final conclusions are yet to come. but it feels great to have a song describe what you've been feeling about it.

my awesome roomie told me the other day, "you know, you don't have to forgive him." i know i dont, but i'd rather forgive ... then i can forget. hah. in any rate, another in sampling mandy moore's album, another song helped me realize that i've been so stuck on this whole situation because i felt so much in such a short period of time that all amounted to .... nothing. i've wanted to be angry, bitter, hateful - but i knew better. i thought it would all pass after a certain amount of time. so i tucked it all away. gosh, it's been such a journey to understand that situation. i've never been content with the idea that there wasn't an explanation as to why things didnt work out. so i am giving it the attention it deserves ... the nothing that it is and the nothing that he is.

as for now, that's such a validating idea! why didnt i think of that before?

and as for these songs ... it's really easy to look back and focus on the good things b/c no one really wants to thing badly of another (at least for me). in any rate, i like where i am now. i recently heard that the most successful people never look back ... especially on mistakes made - they shift forward, only to achieve. so here i go, looking toward the future only :)

Back to Basics

Top of the mornin' to ya!

Yes, I've been rather busy this past month. It's sad to realize that waking up past 630am is now a luxury on the weekdays. I've started taking classes again and still working a majority of my hours at work - so it doesn't leave me much time for a lot of things. I'm taking public speaking and a human physiology class. If you know me personally, you must be questioning as to why I'm taking public speaking ... yes, im friendly and approachable ... but when it comes to speaking in front of a group of people all focusing their attention on you, it's SCARY! hopefully i can over come that.

In any rate, human physiology ... sounds dry right? well, that's what i studied at ucla for 4 years. it's good to dust off that rust and to think scientifically again. the only thing is ... i can't decide if i like my professor or not. i believe it's mainly her demenor ... i'm not sure if it's arrogance or if im tired of hearing her b.s. stories of what she's accomplished. but i'll give her this: she KNOWS her $%^&! i like the way that she's been approaching all-to-much-covered-topics that remain the basis of our biological knowledge.

i guess the best way to describe this intrigue is to say that i have always loved complex things ... the more difficult something was, the more i wanted to learn and understand. however, characteristically, i would only graze over the basic concepts. to my detriment, this "habit" of mine plagued my college career. it hit me the other day: no, i dont truly know what i thought i did. (then again, i feel like i've run into that thought at least 3 times this past year alone. hah.) i think i finally understand how important a good foundation is ... like in basketball, when all hell breaks loose and ur having a really crappy game, i go back to what i know: defense/rebounding (or even volleyball: passing passing passing!) ... and then work from there. going back to the basics is key. i hope this new revelation inspires me to kick ass and really get my $%^& down so i'll one day be great in P.T. school.

"the way i see it #222"

fearlessness is not the absence of fear. it's the mastery of fear. it's about getting up one more time than we fall down.

-Arianna Huffington
author of On Becoming Fearless ... in Love, Work, and Life

I hate Goodbyes ...

i witnessed one of the saddest things in my entire lifetime a few nights ago: a dear friend of mine's father passed away of multiple myeloma. i watched as close family members surrounded their beloved father had to slowly let go as his life tappered off. the hardest part was facing the reality of it all ... even as he was clearly faded, i still held on, hoping for some miracle to happen. but in the back of my mind, i knew the inevitable must occur ... it was his time.

one of life's greatest lessons is to appreciate and love everyone and thing in your life NOW. it's true, "you don't know what you've got until it's gone." why did it take this news to call my parents just out-of-the-blue? why does my friend's mom realize that more impromptu family gatherings happened while my friend's dad was fighting cancer than before when it was just holidays? maybe b/c we get so caught up in life that we forget to stop and realize the world around us. there's no hard and fast rule about when or how, but i believe the universe or God send you signs .... and i quote ferris buller, "life happens fast, if you don't stop and take a look around once in awhile, you could miss it."

i took the next past few days to offer support to the family. watching them plan a funeral is something i didn't plan on thinking about for at least 20-30 years from now. alas, i'm seeing preparations are much like a wedding: venue, minister, music, flowers, keeping family members occupied/satisfied, reception (sans the wake, black attire, casket, mourtuary, and recently deceased). it's so hard to think of a family loosing it's prime members. if it were me, i'd be a mess.

in any rate, i started wondering ... what would people remember about me? well not just specifically me ... but i ask you: how would you like to leave your mark in this world? i pretty much guarantee someone will say something about my cheezy smile. i hope my friends and family know how much they mean to me ... but also i hope i leave this world with as much grace, gentleness, and love as my friend's dad did.

soundtrack of this post was brought to you by:

• "dreaming with a broken heart" - john mayer
• "the power of goodbye" - madonna
• "i'll be missing you" - p diddy feat. faith evans
• "what a wonderful world" - isreal kamakawiwo'e
  

dreams

in light of such vivid dreams in the past few days, needless to day i've been on an emotional and apparently subconscious roller-coaster in terms of my future career and the future of my heart.

dreams are visions of events that we'd most likely want to happen. i think they are visions of our subconscious thoughts surfacing and interacting with our conscious and those 2 trying to all have it make sense. im sure as most of you have noticed that your dreams make you extremely more confused than provide any sense of clarity.

dreams for our future are the ones we hold near to us ... this differs from a fantasy (e.g. fancy cars, expensive things, big houses, gorgeous significant other). our biggest dream for ourself is the one that is suppose to yield us the most happiness ... as if turning our dream into reality translates into fulfilling our purpose in life. (wow that was a lofty thought). as we mature and grow older, we realize these dreams dont always come true, in fact, it's most likely entirely different from what you imagined for yourself. i believe those who do make their dreams come true has most likely told reality to go F--- itself at one point or another... esp when it seemed as though life had turned its back on them ... resulting in a huge influx of determination and allowing them to surmount this seemingly trivial spat. i imagine those life-winners not even glancing back at those who said they couldnt.

yeah, that'll be me one day. just u watch: dreams do come true.

life and basketball

i first picked up a basketball at the age of 6 b/c my oldest brother started in the 7th grade. i remember the very day i signed up to play CYO basketball in the 3rd grade: it was a friday. that night, my family and i did our usual dinner outting in chinatown ... i remember strolling through the finanical district as my parents trailed behind. i felt as mighty as michael jordan. i told myself i could jump as high as any skyscrapper, that nothing could stop me. that was the beginning ...

my 5th grade coach deemed me having "charisma" (right, try wrapping your head around that meaning at 10). coach alan was my emotional mentor from 7th to 9th grades, where i learned how to meticulously goal set, achieve, and about composure. high school ball is where it got hugely intense: demanding perfection day-in, day-out ... 6 days a week for 5 months for 4 years. where each game felt more like battle every time i went in. i was practically a mindless soldier out there to perform my coach's will ... afraid to do what i knew and loved. (i think i will fast foward all the drama h.s. ball entailed ...) in college, i was and still am completely content on the idea that there is more to life than ball, but ball is still apart of me and most likely always be.

in reference back to past conversations w/my friends ... discussing how we play on the court is how we are in life. a few years ago, i struggled with trying to be noticed as a player. it made me sad that most observers that watched my team only complemented the scorers. i wanted to be noticed too ... in any rate, i did the little things ... why, b/c i took it upon myself to do so for the success of the team.

i never considered myself as a GREAT player, but decent enough. similar to most things in my life ... right there in the middle. always been a shooter and rebounder (thank you volleyball) ... i love being "6th man" ... and more importantly to me - a team player.

a self-analysis of my game says that i posses great fundamentals, i am a set shooter, a rebounder with lots of hussle, rather weak ball handling skills, fairly good passer, slow to react on defense, and that i could be more offensively aggressive.

translation as to how i am in life: i am a rules person, i follow them ... and rarely deviate. i work hard, but at times dont react quickly enough to situations. i can be timid and hestitant ... perphaps because i dont have enough faith in my own skills. on the other hand, i come through for those who matter.

i forget sometimes how to play to win the game of life. basketball practice to life lessions: play to win. play with heart ... leave it all out on the court. never give up. always believe there's a chance. never let the size of the challenge intimidate you. hardwork proves miles of success farther than talent alone. the rules of the game are simple ... playing will always be challenging, but the success of winning is completely and utterly worth every bit of blood, sweat and tears.

Optimism Mantra

"if your tired of fighting battles with yourself, change your mind."

some days it's hard to dig down deep and believe in the faith that i possess in my heart. sometimes i forget that we are the product of our own lives. as the youngest born, at times i feel i am spoiled with the mindset that things in my life will automatically be provided just because i want them.

but at this juncture, i feel it's more that i am unsure which direction to take. how to be most efficient in my decisions ... thinking if i do A, then B should (in theory) occur. in the past few years, i thinking this way has both helped me from making irrational decisions (b/c i can be impatient) & hindered me from seizing opportunities.

there is always this grand compounded mixture of effort and luck that is needed to achieve the life that we ideally hold near and dear to us. belief would be the mental aspect - the motivator. achieving would take care of the physical part in which doing work is required.

mantras are good reminders as positive reinforcers. that makes me feel more settled. and sometimes, you just have to go for it and do it with all of your heart.

land-ho! good things ahead! :)

Ship of Fools

I appologize for this delayed posting, I've been wanting to write about this for so long now. Funnily enough I had a hard time finding the proper title for this post. I wanted to name my boat. I finally found this "ship of fools" amist a song that I really hate hearing at work (thank you Yahoo! radio - coffeehouse station). I named it the "ship of fools" because it holds all of those thoughts and memories that keep you in this place where you yearn for something more ... as if it was in your grasp but reality fools you otherwise, casting you away toward another direction.

In my fictious boat, I experience life ... through high seas, weathering storms, witnessing rainbows, countless sunrises and sunsets that continually take my breath away.

In any rate, I have recently found that friends near and far seem to experience the same trials and tribulations or emotional distrought at the same time I am. Same emotions and expressed frustrations make me think/say, "we're in the same boat." However, I want to tell my comrades, "get off the damn boat! swim away! you want something better than to be here." Then it hits me, would I rather have the company - such as the saying "misery loves company" ? Or would I really want my friends to find their proverbial island paradise?

Of course we would all dream of the island paradise where happiness seemingly lies. But when, nay, what will happen that will get us to that island? Will we be rescued or will we muster the courage to swim into the sea of the unknown. Some earth-shattering event has to happen at some point right?

Alas: faith, hope & love friends ....

silent-g

the fifth note.
no, a consonant quietly existing.

who would have thought, this oddly placed letter would make such an impact. is it suppose to be there? how would it exist otherwise? how do you pronounce it?

it both forces you to open your eyes and see the world in a brand new fashion, and yet, refuses to come out on its own. partelle, what is this little silent-g afraid of?

funny how one little moment in time could have such an impact. how one little letter can affect someone so. how the mind struggles to find peace and solidarity to understand. its silence speaks volumes but does not lay to rest any trace of hope.

someone sees you silent-g: for who all that you are, what you represent, what you want to be.

my wish list

Life:

• have a family of my own --> husband & 2 children, maybe 3 ... to raise and support them with a lifestyle where they wouldn't have to worry about food, money, and other convinences that i take for granted
• own a house
• job satisfaction
• travel --> fill my passport / stepped foot on every continent

the Present:

• PT school
• financial independence
• a new(er) car
• toned body
• romantic relationship

Physically:

• bball - handles / being able to take it to the rack / blocking ppl
• do a pull-up
• 1 armed push-ups
• running - complete 1/2 marathon
• start swimming/cycling again

Romantically:
(in no particular order)

• at the very least my height or TALLER
• athletic w/some affinity to basketball
  
• spontaneously fun / loves to try new things
  
• thoughtful / showing that he thinks of you via his actions
• romantic
• takes initiative
  
• good listener
• makes me laugh / likes to laugh with me (not at!)
  
• inquizative / thinks critically
• understanding
• self-aware
  
• passionate about life
• easy-going
• sense of style / knows how to dress for the occassion
• pretty eyes
  
• gives great hugs
• strives to understand me
• steadfast / won't neglect me in a time of true need
• patient
• emotionally available
  
• loves to spend time with me / willing to make time for me
• opens me up / expands my world
• loves my quirks / dorkiness / vulnerabilities
• compromises
• keeps his word
• likes music in some way, shape or form
• makes me feel safe & secure
• makes me feel special
• someone i can be silly and dorky with
• someone who makes a good teammate
  

Mellyville: the "IT" factor

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fvVZegDnbJU

"Sober" - Kelly Clarkson

And I don't know
This could break my heart or save me
Nothing's real
Until you let go completely
So here I go with all my thoughts I've been saving
So here I go with all my fears weighing on me

Three months and I'm still sober
Picked all my weeds but kept the flowers
But I know it's never really over

And I don't know
I could crash and burn but maybe
At the end of this road I might catch a glimpse of me
So I won't worry about my timing, I want to get it right
No comparing, second guessing, no not this time

Three months and I'm still breathing
Been a long road since those hands I left my tears in but I know
It's never really over, no

Wake up

Three months and I'm still standing here
Three months and I'm getting better yeah
Three months and I still am

Three months and it's still harder now
Three months I've been living here without you now
Three months yeah, three months

Three months and I'm still breathing
Three months and I still remember it
Three months and I wake up

Three months and I'm still sober
Picked all my weeds but kept the flowers

Dear House,

Taken from 'Spirit' Magazine, by Melinda Mahaffey --> as i was on my flight back to the bay ... i thought this was quite fitting b/c it describes my frustrations and attachments and ideals of 'HOME'


I am afraid for you. Mom and Dad have decided to sell. The kids are moving out, and it's time for retirement. A lot of the houses in our neighborhood have been torn down in the last few years to make way for McMansions that dominate .... and I'm afraid that this will be your fate as well. I don't understand people who so carelessly destroy a house, b/c a house is more than bricks and mortar. You have been the receptacle of our memories and our dreams.

I don't know if everyone has such an affinity for the house where they grew up. Do they dream of it still, or have they just passed on to their next abode, without thought for what they have left behind? Yes, I know I'm too old to be attached .... but we always made our way back to you. In the midst of change, you were the one constant in my life - the string that kept me from floating off. You were the place that kept me rooted to the ground, the acre that gave me a hometown when all my meager possessions were packed into a 9-year-old's cardboard boxes.

Can it really have been so long? When i look back, I can see ... the small walled garden that was overgrown with bamboo, a mini-jungle that i was afraid to walk into just in case there was snakes waiting to get me ... All of these things have disappeared over the years in the name of remodeling. But even though you have changed, the essence of you, which is buried deep in me, has stayed the same.

The funny thing is, you have changed me too, changed me in a thousand tiny ways. Through the years of blind habit, I hand my clothes backward in foreign closets b/c your close rails are reversed. I automatically lower the showerheads to shoulder height in hotel bathrooms b/c I'm now taller than the fixture that towered above my head when I was little.

As I grew up, you protected me through storms. Not only the dramatic ones that passed through ... but also the storms in life: the school exams, breakups, and painfully earnest teenage years. You have have listed to my phone conversations and never gossiped about what you've heard. But more than that, you have give me the courage to go out into the world b/c I've know that you would take me back, w/o question and w/o judgement. A girl could not ask for more.

Now I see that I'm more afraid for myself than for you - selfishly afraid that when you're gone, I will have no home. I've skipped around the world and returned again; you string became the rubber band that snapped me back.

I imagine that for some years in the future, I will drive by just to see you, to make sure your new owners love you as we loved you. But know that whatever happens, I will carry you with me. You are the bricks and mortar of who I am, the still point in a world of chaos.



Thank you 2125 Sea Cliff Way. one day i hope to buy you back :)

the "IT" factor

I am haunted by years of English grammar for the usage "it." The vagueness this pronoun possess, indirectly refers to a previously mentioned subject, also known as an "anticedent" (see i still remember!). In any rate, upon determining greatness, I keep hearing that the person has to have this "it"-factor. All those episodes of "American Idol" or "Making the Band" where judges determine: this person's got "it."

What is this factor and quality that must exist? Several avenues blur past my mind as i think about "it."

I've had the unfortunate experience where a guy I was dating said ending our relationship stating that "it" wasn't enough. Sounds heartbreaking (and it was at the time), however, let's explore this ... must learn from your past to get to your future right? Right.

Now let's take how or why 2 people come together to formulate a relationship: they meet; they make emotional/physical connections; they become a couple. The "it"-factor delineates that a romantic relationship between 2 people is a combination of mutual attraction/respect, openness for a relationship, and a blinding trust in the other.

At times, there is the case in which all these factors appear to be in your favor: you are attracted to the person and you have a great time with them ... in fact, there's nowhere else you'd rather be. And yet, even you, know deep down something's missing: the "it"-factor. Some people are baffled by couples who seemingly aren't compatible or physically complementary are together, and they ask themselves, "how does that work?".
The answer is, "it" just works. We're not sure how, when or why ... but when you come across the person that belongs to you, you will just know "IT."

Star Maps

Stars, constellations, falling stars, the night sky ... one of my favorite things to do since childhood was to look up to these brilliant masses of gas and light and just wonder about the world. I would pretend the moon followed me wherever i went. The summer before I entered high school, I made a wish I'd make the varsity volleyball team on a falling star. When I look up, it's this calming and sense of enwonderment that makes me hopeful.

Perphaps, in a more religious sense, it is to look to God for some direction. In nautical terms, sailors traditionally used the stars to map their course at night. However, at times, I dont know what the heck I am are looking up there for. I dont know which constellation I am looking at ... and realize - "I hadn't the faintest idea how the night sky might serve as a road map. How could stars, sparkle as they might, help me find my way if they keep moving? (The Life of Pi, 193)." My life, in that moment, was clearly and concisely defined in those 2 sentences. I guess on this road of life, we're only suppose to look back upon where we've been and keep creating the rest as we go along.

No one person can predict what will exactly happen in their life or others. Parents and loved ones can earnestly hope that you take your life in one direction because they want the best for you. But it's not so simple. A friend of mine once said, "greatness doesnt happen without hardwork." Every single person on this planet can do anything if they truly want it. If you have the mindset and the passion, you will succeed.

Smarty Pant Moment

i believe that every event has a certain place and time ... we just cant see the plan :-)

my inspiration: 'serendipity'

Welcome

Welcome to the inugural posting to my blogger :)

oh how i <3 google applications!!

i know you are excited to hear all about what goes on inside my head and my heart ... and about my life.

so stay tuned!