Swim or Die Trying

I can only describe this week as treading water ... as hard as i possibily can, to keep from drowning. I like to call it: school-blues. I quickly flash back into my undergraduate and high school days where everything seemed to be poking at me in all directions, demanding my full attention. the past month, i have been taking it from all sides: work, school, home, physically, emotionally.

but today, i feel defeated. i have relied on things that are completely and utterly failing me at this point, and the only way to is to fix it but i can't afford it (e.g. my dear old brenda and computer). but i think the phone call from my dad today was the last straw.

i admit it, i am a twenty five year old woman that is still not financially independent. not because i choose to be, but because i am off chasing my dream. i was glad that my parents had decided to support me, but that was 2 years ago. and now, 2 years later, i feel as though their expectations aren't emotionally worth the my efforts. i can imagine my parents belaying the fact that i am not yet successful - or not even on track to be successful - at their dinner parties/social events/meeting new friends. i feel cursed the day that wretched email went out from you-know-who.

it was scary actually thinking about giving up my dream to make my parents happy (= finanically independent). all of this made me think: what is this all really worth? what have i accomplished in the past 3 years except falling flat on my face time and time again.

i hoping this is the kick in the butt that i need to get me into gear ... if only i had the time. so i have to make time ... (and hopefully not get sick) =(



Here's something i found post-writing this blog: by Kristina Grish (one of my new fav bloggers @ women's health mag)
Take the Wrong Path
I break such a sweat shaping my future according to expectations that when I'm thrown a curve, I see it as a personal affront and major energy-suck. Gena simply adapts. She isn't afraid to make mistakes or quit with no strings attached. I recently struggled for months over whether to break a contract because I no longer believed in the project. Gena advised: "Walk away. It's not you anymore." Of course, she was right. In her world, mistakes lead to more fuck-ups. (PS: That's not a bad thing.)
http://www.womenshealthmag.com/article/0,6176,s1-21-80-1881-1,00.html