Dear personal psychologist (aka bloggie)

why it's so difficult for me to emotionally trust others?

let's explore that shall we?

when i was 8, i wished i had the power to read minds - so that i knew how to act. i think it was so that i could combat all those bullies who picked on me throughout my elementary school years. but sometimes i see that it continues to plague me still to this day. mostly apparent in how i approach basketball - i hate starting the game (when it does happen), because i like to see the tempo of the game and adjust accordingly. for example, if i see that the girls need more defense, when i get in there, i play the best defense possible. i am truly a reactionary person - id rather wait to react rather than anticipate. in turn, i put everyone above me - i let them choose the direction of the game.

it's an odd contradiction at this point in my life. as a full-fledged "adult," i feel when it comes to personal decisions that only pertain to myself, i can do that. however, when one or more persons are involved, they are put ahead of me. what's more interesting, i can probably say that i can trust anyone with my life, but not with my emotions. in other words- i value my heart more than my physical life. strange how one part of me is so hard to give when i willingly give everything else at any given moment if asked. perhaps it's because i can see the immediate cost-benefits; whereas with matters of the heart, the heaven only knows what will return or happen.

well, all i can say is that identifying it is a great step and that i'll work on it ... progress WAS made today- thank you :)
keep you posted, chao for now.

The end of an era

An Ode to my apt at Stoner ave-

4 yrs in one place is a long time ... it's like going through college/high school again. how quickly time flies and oh how much I've learned here. if these walls could talk ... i think they'd fondly laugh at how silly i was. all the good and bad, fights and friendships, old habits and new directions. as much as i hate this apt for its quirks (e.g. the wintertime icebox, a cricket's haven in summer, and the uber sensitive smoke-detector), i love it because it has been a HOME for me- a safe haven from the harsh realities of adulthood, and a place where I've matured and nurtured.

as bittersweet my farewell to this place i am giving it, i wonder if my roommate feels even half as much as i do for the apt? i can help but channel feelings of abandonment for her leaving. i wonder if it was anything i had done ... or not done? all in all, life does go on- and yet as i move forward into a new chapter in my life, i question what impact i've made ... did i leave my footprint? did this time mean something to anyone else besides me? only time will tell~ sa la vie!

so goodbye to my post-college era and hello full fledged adulthood. goodbye apt, you've been a really sweet home to me and i will never forget you :*)