all over the map with a destination

i know i say this often, especially when times feel like their darkest ... or at least some variant of this but here goes:
hope. in hope there is faith. in faith there is the true essence of love.

today i realized i've gone from feeling fantastic! to ... just fine.

it's actually shocking how easily you can live for someone instead of with someone. i lived the past 9 months for someone in order to follow a dream. but as i am slowly dissecting now, i see that we were chasing different dreams. him, taking a leap in career; me, taking a leap of love. somehow, this fantasy of ours became muddled in time changes and call times and new changes each to their own. distance = doomed? i guess we both had to find out for ourselves.

some of my closest friends comment of how much i've grown emotionally and how much of "a champ" i am for taking things the way that i am. i am sad ... of course i will miss him, but most of all, i will miss how we love each other. our love was the kind that was unique ... it was everything i had inside. i view this most recent break up as: ohhh ... so close // like losing a close game- good effort, but just wasn't enough today kiddo (story of my freaking life!)

in any rate, let the influx of post-breakup cliques flow through (none of which will help me feel better at this hour) ... but in all seriousness, i really wonder what these next few months will bring. i hope especially for internal peace and for me to rediscover what makes ME happy again. further down the road- i think it's safe to say that i need someone both emotionally AND physically available.

here's a quick little fantasy about the life that i want: laughter outside on a warm evening, stars, a firepit to light the night out on a beautiful deck, wine flowing, wonderful company, smiling. my life's goal now is to have both love & happiness to share ... to cherish ... to grow & flourish. oh, and let's not forget my completing-a-full-Ironman-triathlon-before-I-am-thirty thing ... :P