S.O.S.

Save our souls... lost! amongst the sea of life.

writers often use ocean or water motifs in their work to describe life, most likely to show how unstable and unpredictable it is. the ebb and flow of the ocean tide resembles the cyclic pattern of life. writers to portray their protagonist as capitan of a boat in which they must endure the challenges the sea presents. but does our hero ever find the land that he is looking for? or does he continue on ... doomed to sail the earth forever in search of the unattainable ...? lucky for our character, his life depends on his creator. it is the creator who develops and shapes through series of tests. moreover, the creator determines the fate of our beloved protagonist.

yesterday i found myself catching up with a friend who is literally in the same boat: the SS-frustrating job with little pay.

as i stuggle for financial independence, the pressure from my parents to suceed in this way is extremely high. let us also include the failing economy that ultimately determines the direction of my livelihood - if i can afford to eat out, drive to basketball, have a few drinks at the end of the week, buy myself something nice. it has been such a stressful task to reallocate wants and desires for only the necessities. with a mixture of anxiety and apprehension i ask myself: am i suppose to have everything figured out? how? when? and where did my passion for life go? after 8 years in L.A., have i earned the right to call myself a full-fledged adult?

very early this morning, i discovered that i had lost some sort of faith in the world around me ... more disturbingly, i lost faith in myself ... my abilities ... my worth. i felt lost amongst a sea of dreamers.

when i was little, i would love to get lost ... because i always found something new from it. it was I who discovered something - and it was exhilirating and special. but why am i so scared to get lost now? for the past month, i had been toying with so many theories to explain this period in my life ... to somehow throw me into the mist of something new - but nothing wanted to come out. perphaps ive become disillusioned that dreams can come true and as much as i say i have to move on from past dreams of becoming a Physical Therapist - i am still heartbroken from that fact.

so where does my ship take me now? i shall call this the period of discovery. time to set sail to conquer the 7 seas. it's time to get lost again ... in hopes of finding my passion once more.

where there is passion, there is happiness ... and in the end, love.

Fears

Our Greatest Fear —Marianne Williamson

it is our light not our darkness that most frightens us

Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate.

Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure.

It is our light not our darkness that most frightens us.

We ask ourselves, who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous,
talented and fabulous?

Actually, who are you not to be?

You are a child of God.

Your playing small does not serve the world.

There's nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other

people won't feel insecure around you.

We were born to make manifest the glory of
God that is within us.

It's not just in some of us; it's in everyone.

And as we let our own light shine,
we unconsciously give other people
permission to do the same.

As we are liberated from our own fear,
Our presence automatically liberates others.

—Marianne Williamson
[Often said to have been quoted in a speech by Nelson Mandela. The source is Return to Love by Marianne Williamson, Harper Collins, 1992. —Peter McLaughlin]

"The Reason" lyrics

I'm not a perfect person/There's many things I wish I didn't do/But I continue learning/I never meant to do those things to you/And so I have to say before I go/That I just want you to know/I've found a reason for me/To change who I used to be/A reason to start over new/and the reason is you

I'm sorry that I hurt you/It's something I must live with everyday/And all the pain I put you through/I wish that I could take it all away/And be the one who catches all your tears/Thats why i need you to hear/I've found a reason for me/To change who I used to be/A reason to start over newand the reason is You

I'm not a perfect person/I never meant to do those things to you/And so I have to say before I go/That I just want you to knowI've found a reason for me/To change who I used to be/A reason to start over new/and the reason is you/I've found a reason to show/A side of me you didn't know/A reason for all that I do/And the reason is you.

it's bittersweet really. hardship and sadness in love and forward change. i thank you for making me better. i hope that one day we both will understand why.

just love

live in love.

to live in fear is to not to live at all.
fear is the denial of oneself.

to live in love is to accept happiness we did not see coming.
love is divine excellence.

it's been said that 'love conquers all.'
love is all consuming.

are you ready?
do you believe?

love and happiness - it does exist if you let it just happen.
it has ... it will continue to find me.

the pursuit of MY happiness

since the 6th grade i had this idea in my head that i wanted to become a P.T. i think it was because i was so heavily into sports that it simply seemed right even though i hadnt the faintest idea of what it was exactly. in college, i discovered the true, all-encompassing rehabilitative extent that physical therapy could provide for people. i wanted more than life to be apart of it. it felt like my calling. the down side to all of this: my grades. unforturnately, throughout the entire medical field, a competitive GPA is required for admission into graduate study. i do not fit that critium - hell, i am lucky to even call myself an UCLA graduate.

lately i've been struggling with a new career direction. i've recently decided that i will not be persuing physical therapy school any longer. after 3 years of applying, i no longer possess the passion fueling my aspirations to become a physical therapist. this pursuit toward financial happiness is reminiscent and almost analogus to a relationship ... like ideals toward love.

for example: love is simple. therefore, a relationship should not be so difficult. granted a fair amount of work has to be done upon a daily basis. but fundamentally, it shouldn't be hard. now applied toward P.T. school - it shouldn't be this hard ... and i perphaps should have had the grades in the first place.

furthermore, i firmly believe that learning about and how to love is a lifelong process. many hold a firm idea and even theorize about love (especially myself), but it's difficult to actually conceptualize and articulate what it is exactly. as far as i know so far, love just exists ... it just is. that leads me to believe that perphaps my love for physical therapy was just an idea; perphaps it was something that i just wanted in my life but did not stop to truly see if it fit with me and my life at this point. (think: round hole, square peg).

don't get me wrong, i truly believe that anyone can be AWESOME at anything if they choose to. i think i would do well as a physical therapist. but realistically, i do not know how well i would fair in P.T.-school itself. perphaps that is what all of the admissions committees have been seeing all along, and i was just hoping that i could prove them wrong.

the discontent in my life is written all over my face this morning. i hold all this passion inside, so entirely overwhelming that i want to cry.

i WANT to do something great~ ... utilize my talents~ ... make my mark in this world.

so, goodbye to an old dream ... no tears, no sadness. it is almost bittersweet.

i am looking forward to a new endeavor. this is my opportunity to make a real dream come true ... to find my true passion and excel.

i just wonder if i will find it or will it somehow find me?

life & liberty

i thought that title appropriate since i just returned from philadelphia, PA. seeing how important/inspirational the liberty bell was for people throughout american history was actually surprising. not much emphasis upon the symbolic importance from the liberty bell is apparent these days ... but i am proud to recognize the american spirit to endure and drive foward to help us gain freedoms not everyone held before is truly an amazing thing.

however, i did not appreciate seeing a sticker at the famous geno's philly cheesesteak saying, "i am american. i speak english." it's exceptionally racist as well as inconsistent with history. america was and still is built upon immigrants. integrating new cultures and values is not easy, but is something truly amazing that we can all co-exist together peacefully. i also did not enjoy walking throughout the city with my teammates (whom were also all chinese/asian) and hearing people asks us if we spoke english.

my rating of philadelphia: like the mediocre apricot tarte i tasted prior to this trip - that city has a lot of potential. it is beautiful, but its people do not take pride in their city ... and it shows. they do not embrace difference. i thought it was the 'city of brotherly love'? perphaps i was spoiled being raised in san francisco, where culture and diversity are celebrated ... spoiled from living in los angeles, where each culture is influences life.

i just wish the rest of the country could remember the basis of our existence: life & liberty ... freedom by way of embracing differences.

as days go by...

as we're already approaching JUNE ... just some food for thought, courtsey of realsimple.com :)

Every day may not be good, but there's something good in every day. -- Anonymous

yes, i am the enternal optimist.

memories ...

... like the corner in my mind ...

greetings kiddos,

i know it's been quite awhile since i've personally written to you all. i hope you have been well.

i was in vegas last weekend visiting the parentals for mother's day. we were at dinner and deciding what our plan was for sunday morning. my brother and i decided to make brunch-in-bed for her. a funny thing happened: she told everyone how she remembered how i used to make her breakfast in bed ... but since i was too young to use the stove, i brought her cheerios in a bowl with a spoon, a cup for milk (so she could pour it in), and a cup of orange juice. :)
for some reason, i completely forgot that i used to do that. it's funny really ... to be brought back so quickly like that. i blushed and sebastian laughed. my mom called it cute. gosh, kids are the cutests things! :P

so i brought sebastian to my room at my parents' house ... and my desk that i had since the 2nd grade was moved there .... with junk and all inside of it. we decided to dive in and see what we could find. to my utter humiliation and embarrassment, he found a diary .... he jimmied the little lock and out came moments from i think mid-7th grade. if my memory serves me correct, that was a painful year. HA! after all my begging and pleading ... he only read the 1st entry. fairly harmless (but still embarrassing!!)
but he did bring up a good point: it was a long time ago. sure, it's easier for someone else to laugh at that stuff whereas i'd rather forget that era. i did live through it, and it's helped shaped who i've become today. it's funny what was a big deal to us back then isn't so much so anymore. my life thus far has been such an amazing journey toward self discovery. growing and learning in this great big world.

an now that i've gotten so existentialistic, it's time to continue back to the little things .... like cleaning my room :P

ps - so funny thing as well, my co-worker just saw a monologue play about people who read their diaries from the 6/7th grade ... how coincidental! maybe my diary should be up there too ;)

make a wish

make a wish ... and place it in your heart.

do you have it?

anything your want, EVERYTHING you want

do you have it?

good - now believe it can come true.

you never know where the next miracle is going to come from ... the next smile ... the next wish coming true.

but if you believe that it's right around the corner, and if you open your heart and mind to the possibility of it ... to the certainty of it ... you might just get the thing you're wishing for.

the world is full of magic, you just have to believe in it.

so make your wish ...

do you have it?

good - now BELIEVE in it ... with ALL of your heart.

on moving on

Life: daring to imagine your life not as you planned it to be.

Love: "we both lit the match that burned the bridge" - lifehouse

Laughter: helps us face our fears

on dream chasing

if you dont get it, you might end up with something better.

How to Deal

so there's this new NBC show 'quarterlife' about these young adults ... post-college, trying to find their way. kinda like where i am now ... as in "quarter life crisis" themed, where these characters are trying to establish themselves in the world while still really figuring out who they are. sound familiar?? i guess the interesting aspect of the show is that the main character has this video blog. and i thought to myself: my blog is pretty emo itself, and she reveals EVERYTHING down to the point where she outs her friends on stuff and what she really thinks. she got in trouble with her friends of course, but she speaks the truth i guess. i guess im just not sure how i'd handle video of myself, especially being all vulnerable and such (b/c i truly hate being vulnerable, let alone the world to see).

anyways, i do depend on this blog to logically voice my fears, doubts, spurts of optimism and hope that i thought i lost, songs that match my mood, accomplishments, etc. ... all in all, im heard in some fashion, it's out of me and into the world. so you can say, it's how i make sense of my world ... it's how i deal.

this week has been another rollercoaster-esque one in which the culmination of school/work/extra-curriculars are soon to be all reaching their pinacle. i have finals coming up in which im probably highly unprepared for and struggling to keep up. i still havent even come up with a solid topic for my term research paper and it's due next week. my molecular bio prof is still hounding the class to the point of near harassment of how difficult this section's exam will be. the solvang century is a week and half away and i still havent compartenmentalized my feelings for jer.

did i miss anything? yes, my friends ... im so busy these days, i can hardly keep up with their lives as well. it's sort of a mutual thing, but gchat and cell phones help. and yes, i was hardcore enough to fly to vegas after a 75 mile bike ride to see them for ~10 hrs ... i needed to see them. and as ali had pointed out: it's so hard to get ALL of us in one single place. we are a special group and i know we're all with each other in our hearts :)

so my weekend was filled with some flattery - i think it was just the confidence booster i needed. it spurred a positive reaction that's probably keeping me from imploding. but all in all, i didnt ask for my current situation with jer. in fact, i wanted the complete opposite. i am disappointed in him as a friend ... like i dont know him anymore. i also hate the fact that i feel like he cares about everyone and everything else EXCEPT me.
but a thought hit me the other night on my way home from class: do i really have the time for such an intense relationship? just as he supposedly cannot emotionally expend for me, i couldnt spatially afford to do the same. so maybe it was doomed from the beginning. in any rate, i think at this point, i wont be happy anywhere until i achieve my career goals. dont get me wrong, i am still a love-bug. but today is a day where everyone, including myself, needs to remind me to be strong through this ... strong enough to care about all the other aspects of my life so that i dont fall appart on the outside.

i had an interesting conversation with a friend who's highly religious - and i am as well, to a certain point, but no where near him or even my brother. he was venting to me, and i shared that i prayed for my own happiness. he quickly responded with a warning, as if to say, "becareful what you wish for." yes, God works in mysterious ways, but he was worried it would raise havoc in my life. i thought to myself: well, my life is pretty crazy now ... but at least i know no matter what is thrown at me, i will be able to handle it.

during my weekly sob-fest, my best friend told me now is the time to dig in deep ... really pull through for myself. it's true, because no one else will do it for me. i immediately pictured myself on my bike from saturday's ride where i swear i wasnt going to make it up that damn mountain. i did stop 2x to regroup for a second, but i made it.

i can, and i will.

10 things i hate about you

not in any particular order:

1. your stubbornness
2. your pride
3. you always have to stand out
4. over-endulgent
5. you impose on others and expect everyone to be okay with it
6. you always react first
7. ego-centric
8. you dont understand me
9. you could never tell me how you really feel about me
10. that i've loved you.

Rats

happy lunar new year to you! the year of the rats is upon us ... according to the chinese zodiac, this begins the 12 animal cycle. the rat signifies the beginning because it was the first animal to reach the foot of the buddha. neet huh.

for some reason, i am always reminded of the sacramento warlords tournament that always happened at the end of march, but their t-shirts always had chinese new year animal on it. 12 years ago, i earned my first all-star for that tournament =) i had to play point guard because our best player couldnt make that tournament. i was nervous as hell the whole wknd because i struggled with ball handling throughout the season. to the point where i didnt even want the ball. but my coach was so encouraging ... and i was recognized for my hard work, hehe. i think i have that ratty ugly blue all-star shirt somewhere .... that or it went to goodwill.

chinese new year is always a special and exciting time for my family. time for good food ... and maybe even a true feeling of starting a fresh year over again. a time where tradition is essential! those traditions often remind me how superstitious chinese people are. a time to see family and wish them well. this year i got to at least have a meal with both sides of my family in which for years past, it's been difficult for me to get the chance to go back home. it's always so great to go back home and see what's changed and what hasnt. it's familiar and new all at the same time. i love fantasizing about one day living in the city. it's so great seeing how big my little cousins are getting. today was a bit of a rarity: i got to spend a few blocks walking and talking with my brothers - just us 3. it's been awhile and it's so funny that we just fall into our usual dynamic. gaw (chris), geet (ollie) and me =)

as my parents dropped me off at sfo, my mom hands me a tangerine (something eaten for good luck ... ppl give oranges/tangerines during chinese new year for good luck .... im chalking it up to that being because the citrus family being in season during this time of the year. and this year is especially sweet!). anyways, as she hands me the tangerine, she says to me on of those chinese proverbs which are ultimately metaphors that you are suppose to apply to your life but their literal translations to english sound completely random. so the literal translation of what my mom said: eat the tangerine so that your belly grows big. translation: eat the translation for good luck so you have a belly like buddha; and ppl rub the buddha's belly for good luck, hence having a buddha's belly = good luck. hah! my parents always ramble odd chinese sayings and expect me to understand them .... it's really funny actually because they can translate to something like, "dont let the cow run into a tree." meaning something like dont ruin your career.

so ive rambled enough about my wacky chinese side ... i truly miss my family, friends, and the city. but, back in LA, it's time for bed.

on that note, here's a playlist to describe my mood:
"shadow of the day" - linkin park
"wonderful world" - james morrison
"silver lining" - riko kiley

maybe im not suppose to know ... but at least i have a general direction. i gotta remember to have faith in things working out the way they are suppose to.

just give me the light ...

me: i know me ....i will get thru it/just sucks today
Oscar: God makes people like you shine bright so that you may illuminate those around you. And i would be lying if i said that you have never lit up my life. So in these time where you feel down, know that those that you have shared ur illuminating lifght will be there to to brighten your life as you have done for so many. You do have a special brightness to you, an incomperable optimism. That those you affect will always be there returning your blessing. God blesses us so they we may be a blessing to others
me: thank u.:]

thanks for the reminder oscar ... our convos are always so meaningful.

my best friend also reminded me this morning (as i was so embarassingly sobbing my eyes out) about the concept of the light inside. i remember having a fire deep within. it drove me to overcome so much. throughout my years in LA, i've wondered where it went. did it burn out? or nothing is feeding it?

so in the past 6 weeks ive learned about myself:

1. i fear being left behind - physically, emotionally ... with job/career, friends moving, etc.
2. i have trust issues.
3. im messy when busy.
4. being honest with yourself is so liberating and scary at the same time.
5. on that note, i hate feeling vulnerable ... but the reward feels soooooo good.
6. my stubbornness causes difficulties for me to let go of things.

wow. that's a lot.

i do miss him and i really do love him. i think he may be/have been the love of my life.

moving in circles is interesting ... you cant predict where u'll meet again. but for now, my direction is different from your's. that makes me sad.

Best Friends

We have to learn to be our own best friends because we fall too easily into the trap of being our own worst enemies. -- Roderick Thorp

remember back in the 3rd grade where giving out the title of best friend was on the basis of how nice the other was to you by sharing their lunch, always playing with you during recess and lunch, sharing cool crayon colors or getting yourselves into trouble afterschool? and in the 6th grade, you shared your secrets with them - telling of your newest crush and plotting how to get their attention. in high school, your best friend was the person who didnt stab you in the back and always stuck up for you (even in front of your parents). in college, your best friend held your hair as you threw up from drinking too much, studied with you until dawn for the test you should've been studying for way before that point, and they helped you move that old/heavy couch into 4 different apartments.

yes, best friends, as all people, enter and exit our lives. but we choose those we hold closely for a reason: we trust them beyond all doubt. we stand by their side and would move heaven and earth if they asked. why? because you know they would do the same.

in my journey through self-exploration, i strive to grow and understand life through my own perspective. i've tested my wings time and time again. not all trials are successful, but i always learn a lesson from it. today's mantra: be my own best friend. i think it goes hand in hand with my resolution to be honest with myself. i know i am freely give my honest opinion to those i love. so, it's time to be my own best friend.

"Complicated"

"... I wish I could change / I wish I could change / I wish I could stop / Sayin the same old things / I wish I could be / Who u want me 2 be / I wish I could stop / Being the same old me / I wish I could lose / All of my blues ..." - Robin Thicke

ok, you have to trust me when i say, this song is really catchy when you hear it.
anyways .....

i wish i could get this idea out of my head. i wish i could let go of it. but at the same time, i kinda dont want to. i thought i saw something that could defy the odds .. something true - looking back on that moment, it was sort of cloudy. *shrug* c'est la vie.

i think ive made progress in my ability to let go of "potentials." however, being the optimist as heart ... i WANT to see things workout the way i had envisioned them. but, as i have learned over the years .... it really doesnt turn out that way. those who can actually make their vision a reality are the inspirational ones. it's like magic - defying reality.

i may not know the road very well, but i know where i will end up will be better than i could have ever imagined.
"... que sera sera, whatever we'll be - we'll be, the future's not our's to see...."

Driving Force

"...i want to be the car crash..." - snow patrol

okay, well living in LA ... that could very well happen.... but then it would get expensive with insurance crap and not that i want to potentially hurt someone either! well i want to be, just not LITERALLY ... it's a metaphor, damn it!
anyways, i am tired of having things happen to me ... tired of being the victim. i want to cause something (positive of course). i am a force to be reckoned with!

sorry, way too much caffeine consumption over the past 72-hours with 9.5 hours until my first midterm of the quarter. i feel a bit over my head right now as the past 2 weeks have been just NUTS. i forget the level of arrogance in ucla professors differs from smc. this one used the classic techniques of basically telling the class we were screwed. no! i refuse! (even though im not as prepared as i like ... still, that mental block can hinder so much...)

yesterday reinforced my need to do what is right for me and not for someone/thing else .... no settling here - i want more ... i deserve more because it's my life and no one else will demand it for me as much as i can.

my life priorities for the past 3 weeks: work/school/eat/read/online class/find a way to workout/team in training.

yipes ... what did i get myself into?

ps - http://www.active.com/donate/tntgla/tntglaMWong1

Sunday Morning

i remember sunday mornings at the house i grew up in ... i would awake to the sound of football blarring from downstairs, while my dad worked on the car in the garage. they used to be filled with lunches or dim sum with my family, grocery shopping with my mom, fighting my brothers for the washing machine or computer...

sunny sunday mornings are the best. the gentle sunlight peeking in, nudging you to ease you out of bed. sunday's are filled with freedom to relax, get things you've probably ignored throughout the week done, but simply to enjoy yourself.

this past week has been really difficult for me in terms of really feeling what it is to be truly by myself. i've always tried to escape it through continuous relationships, finding new circles, etc. i guess i haven't given myself time with ... myself. it's a bit scary sometimes. all i have is me ... it's so much easier to focus on someone else. somehow, the other person isn't quite as complicated as yourself.

i often fantasize about waking up on a sunny sunday morning with the future love of my life ... we'd get to sleep in a bit, eventually roll out of bed and make brunch while listening to cool-jazzy-urban-relaxing music. we'd eat, read the paper and drink our coffee. we'd laugh at the funnies section, plan our day ... whether it'd be picking up food for the week at the market or taking a stroll at the park or catching something at a museum ... i know they would be a lot of warmth and love ... holding hands ... being silly .... and occasional soft kisses. that would be perfection.

i have faith it's out there ... that sense of warmth, love and completeness. one day, sunday mornings won't be just for one.

footprints

my best friend brought that concept to my attention today. he said, "we dont really know how big of a footprint we've left behind us."

sometimes i wonder how big... how deep... or if it was in the right direction. do i really make a difference in the world? in someone else's life? i guess i always look back for validation. it's been such a struggle for me to confidently give a part of myself away and trust in another to return something equally significant back.

time to make my own footprints ... hope you can follow them

just embrace it

Happy new year!
as one of my favorite people said to me as we made our early morning walk in the city to the bart-station new year's morning, ' '07 was heaven but i'm gonna be great in '08.'

"just embrace it..." catch phrase of my weekend :P
it's a great mantra for sh** that just happens or temporarily justifying the unexplainable. just accept it and move forward. lately ive been thinking more emotionally efficient than normal. it feels great because im less inclined to get stuck in a moment and keeps me moving.

in any rate, another helpful and appliciable realsimple.com thought of the day:
We must be willing to get rid of the life we've planned, so as to have the life that is waiting for us. -- Joseph Campbell
like in one of my favorite movies in '07 "knocked up": "life doesnt care about your plans. it happens anyway." so theoretically, the plans that i could make for myself are always technically thrown out the window. but mind you, that doesnt mean stop making goals. the things you want in your life wont magically, i think, it's more along the lines of: your life wont happen the way you envision it. the easier it is for you to let go of your previous vision, i think the easier you can actually live your life =)