univision

find a vision that keeps your heart warm.

the facade

hate this place- physically, mentally, emotionally. change is typically reflected in a positive light. and yet, no one - including myself - really ever fully realizes the reality of it all. in my case, i think i found the other side of change's coin: the bottom side. i think it's mainly the fact that this is not MY place and I do not feel comfortable at all. all my recent change was the result of others' decisions.

i hate the noise the factory across the street makes. i hate the random car booming it's bass or rev-ing its engine. i hate seeing the cars behind me glare as i slow down to turn into my own parking garage. i hate having to wear ear plugs to sleep. i hate feeling that i always have to clean up after myself. i hate thinking a roommate is pissed at me because they are moody. i hate my crazy boss who can't get her head out of the 90's. i hate that she stirs the pot and claims she is not one. i hate that i work so hard and cannot earn enough to enjoy my life outside of work. i hate feeling left behind. i hate not being able to travel to see my loved ones. i hate that my car is unreliable. i hate waiting for the unknown. i hate knowing that i am not a true priority right now.

this is the past 2 months of me. how did this happen? i found balance. i found me and strived to live through love ... and now i hate. i know all those things above is what i don't want, and therefore, hate. such the thinnest line between the two ... for too long have i been struggling! 4 months of emotional, physical, mental turmoil churning from my heart to my head- resulting in pure, utter disappointment and self-pity.

goodness gracious, i don't want to be here anymore!

impasse

in my previous relationship, i learned that hesitation & fear led to missing my turn. i also learned that loving someone else meant loving them for who they are in their entirety and expecting nothing more that for them to be themselves.

in this relationship i am learning the vastness of love. i've learned that the clique, "you can only love another if/when you love yourself," is true. in this relationship i've learned to let the other act on their own and to communicate how their actions effect me.

but what happens when you get weary and it causes you to not love so much. (there goes a monkey-wrench in the love machine.) how does the problem get solved when the party that is able to compromise has nothing left to compromise? seems as though we have a stale-mate on our hands.

how does love fix a stale-mate? something's gotta give ... right? if the solution arises more questions, then it's really not the true solution. usually it's: answer, then deal with it. if only life changing decisions were that simple ...

gotta keep the faith that i'll get out of the tunnel. i wonder what awaits on the other side.