How to Deal

so there's this new NBC show 'quarterlife' about these young adults ... post-college, trying to find their way. kinda like where i am now ... as in "quarter life crisis" themed, where these characters are trying to establish themselves in the world while still really figuring out who they are. sound familiar?? i guess the interesting aspect of the show is that the main character has this video blog. and i thought to myself: my blog is pretty emo itself, and she reveals EVERYTHING down to the point where she outs her friends on stuff and what she really thinks. she got in trouble with her friends of course, but she speaks the truth i guess. i guess im just not sure how i'd handle video of myself, especially being all vulnerable and such (b/c i truly hate being vulnerable, let alone the world to see).

anyways, i do depend on this blog to logically voice my fears, doubts, spurts of optimism and hope that i thought i lost, songs that match my mood, accomplishments, etc. ... all in all, im heard in some fashion, it's out of me and into the world. so you can say, it's how i make sense of my world ... it's how i deal.

this week has been another rollercoaster-esque one in which the culmination of school/work/extra-curriculars are soon to be all reaching their pinacle. i have finals coming up in which im probably highly unprepared for and struggling to keep up. i still havent even come up with a solid topic for my term research paper and it's due next week. my molecular bio prof is still hounding the class to the point of near harassment of how difficult this section's exam will be. the solvang century is a week and half away and i still havent compartenmentalized my feelings for jer.

did i miss anything? yes, my friends ... im so busy these days, i can hardly keep up with their lives as well. it's sort of a mutual thing, but gchat and cell phones help. and yes, i was hardcore enough to fly to vegas after a 75 mile bike ride to see them for ~10 hrs ... i needed to see them. and as ali had pointed out: it's so hard to get ALL of us in one single place. we are a special group and i know we're all with each other in our hearts :)

so my weekend was filled with some flattery - i think it was just the confidence booster i needed. it spurred a positive reaction that's probably keeping me from imploding. but all in all, i didnt ask for my current situation with jer. in fact, i wanted the complete opposite. i am disappointed in him as a friend ... like i dont know him anymore. i also hate the fact that i feel like he cares about everyone and everything else EXCEPT me.
but a thought hit me the other night on my way home from class: do i really have the time for such an intense relationship? just as he supposedly cannot emotionally expend for me, i couldnt spatially afford to do the same. so maybe it was doomed from the beginning. in any rate, i think at this point, i wont be happy anywhere until i achieve my career goals. dont get me wrong, i am still a love-bug. but today is a day where everyone, including myself, needs to remind me to be strong through this ... strong enough to care about all the other aspects of my life so that i dont fall appart on the outside.

i had an interesting conversation with a friend who's highly religious - and i am as well, to a certain point, but no where near him or even my brother. he was venting to me, and i shared that i prayed for my own happiness. he quickly responded with a warning, as if to say, "becareful what you wish for." yes, God works in mysterious ways, but he was worried it would raise havoc in my life. i thought to myself: well, my life is pretty crazy now ... but at least i know no matter what is thrown at me, i will be able to handle it.

during my weekly sob-fest, my best friend told me now is the time to dig in deep ... really pull through for myself. it's true, because no one else will do it for me. i immediately pictured myself on my bike from saturday's ride where i swear i wasnt going to make it up that damn mountain. i did stop 2x to regroup for a second, but i made it.

i can, and i will.

10 things i hate about you

not in any particular order:

1. your stubbornness
2. your pride
3. you always have to stand out
4. over-endulgent
5. you impose on others and expect everyone to be okay with it
6. you always react first
7. ego-centric
8. you dont understand me
9. you could never tell me how you really feel about me
10. that i've loved you.

Rats

happy lunar new year to you! the year of the rats is upon us ... according to the chinese zodiac, this begins the 12 animal cycle. the rat signifies the beginning because it was the first animal to reach the foot of the buddha. neet huh.

for some reason, i am always reminded of the sacramento warlords tournament that always happened at the end of march, but their t-shirts always had chinese new year animal on it. 12 years ago, i earned my first all-star for that tournament =) i had to play point guard because our best player couldnt make that tournament. i was nervous as hell the whole wknd because i struggled with ball handling throughout the season. to the point where i didnt even want the ball. but my coach was so encouraging ... and i was recognized for my hard work, hehe. i think i have that ratty ugly blue all-star shirt somewhere .... that or it went to goodwill.

chinese new year is always a special and exciting time for my family. time for good food ... and maybe even a true feeling of starting a fresh year over again. a time where tradition is essential! those traditions often remind me how superstitious chinese people are. a time to see family and wish them well. this year i got to at least have a meal with both sides of my family in which for years past, it's been difficult for me to get the chance to go back home. it's always so great to go back home and see what's changed and what hasnt. it's familiar and new all at the same time. i love fantasizing about one day living in the city. it's so great seeing how big my little cousins are getting. today was a bit of a rarity: i got to spend a few blocks walking and talking with my brothers - just us 3. it's been awhile and it's so funny that we just fall into our usual dynamic. gaw (chris), geet (ollie) and me =)

as my parents dropped me off at sfo, my mom hands me a tangerine (something eaten for good luck ... ppl give oranges/tangerines during chinese new year for good luck .... im chalking it up to that being because the citrus family being in season during this time of the year. and this year is especially sweet!). anyways, as she hands me the tangerine, she says to me on of those chinese proverbs which are ultimately metaphors that you are suppose to apply to your life but their literal translations to english sound completely random. so the literal translation of what my mom said: eat the tangerine so that your belly grows big. translation: eat the translation for good luck so you have a belly like buddha; and ppl rub the buddha's belly for good luck, hence having a buddha's belly = good luck. hah! my parents always ramble odd chinese sayings and expect me to understand them .... it's really funny actually because they can translate to something like, "dont let the cow run into a tree." meaning something like dont ruin your career.

so ive rambled enough about my wacky chinese side ... i truly miss my family, friends, and the city. but, back in LA, it's time for bed.

on that note, here's a playlist to describe my mood:
"shadow of the day" - linkin park
"wonderful world" - james morrison
"silver lining" - riko kiley

maybe im not suppose to know ... but at least i have a general direction. i gotta remember to have faith in things working out the way they are suppose to.

just give me the light ...

me: i know me ....i will get thru it/just sucks today
Oscar: God makes people like you shine bright so that you may illuminate those around you. And i would be lying if i said that you have never lit up my life. So in these time where you feel down, know that those that you have shared ur illuminating lifght will be there to to brighten your life as you have done for so many. You do have a special brightness to you, an incomperable optimism. That those you affect will always be there returning your blessing. God blesses us so they we may be a blessing to others
me: thank u.:]

thanks for the reminder oscar ... our convos are always so meaningful.

my best friend also reminded me this morning (as i was so embarassingly sobbing my eyes out) about the concept of the light inside. i remember having a fire deep within. it drove me to overcome so much. throughout my years in LA, i've wondered where it went. did it burn out? or nothing is feeding it?

so in the past 6 weeks ive learned about myself:

1. i fear being left behind - physically, emotionally ... with job/career, friends moving, etc.
2. i have trust issues.
3. im messy when busy.
4. being honest with yourself is so liberating and scary at the same time.
5. on that note, i hate feeling vulnerable ... but the reward feels soooooo good.
6. my stubbornness causes difficulties for me to let go of things.

wow. that's a lot.

i do miss him and i really do love him. i think he may be/have been the love of my life.

moving in circles is interesting ... you cant predict where u'll meet again. but for now, my direction is different from your's. that makes me sad.