"if your tired of fighting battles with yourself, change your mind."
some days it's hard to dig down deep and believe in the faith that i possess in my heart. sometimes i forget that we are the product of our own lives. as the youngest born, at times i feel i am spoiled with the mindset that things in my life will automatically be provided just because i want them.
but at this juncture, i feel it's more that i am unsure which direction to take. how to be most efficient in my decisions ... thinking if i do A, then B should (in theory) occur. in the past few years, i thinking this way has both helped me from making irrational decisions (b/c i can be impatient) & hindered me from seizing opportunities.
there is always this grand compounded mixture of effort and luck that is needed to achieve the life that we ideally hold near and dear to us. belief would be the mental aspect - the motivator. achieving would take care of the physical part in which doing work is required.
mantras are good reminders as positive reinforcers. that makes me feel more settled. and sometimes, you just have to go for it and do it with all of your heart.
land-ho! good things ahead! :)
18 July 2007
13 July 2007
Ship of Fools
I appologize for this delayed posting, I've been wanting to write about this for so long now. Funnily enough I had a hard time finding the proper title for this post. I wanted to name my boat. I finally found this "ship of fools" amist a song that I really hate hearing at work (thank you Yahoo! radio - coffeehouse station). I named it the "ship of fools" because it holds all of those thoughts and memories that keep you in this place where you yearn for something more ... as if it was in your grasp but reality fools you otherwise, casting you away toward another direction.
In my fictious boat, I experience life ... through high seas, weathering storms, witnessing rainbows, countless sunrises and sunsets that continually take my breath away.
In any rate, I have recently found that friends near and far seem to experience the same trials and tribulations or emotional distrought at the same time I am. Same emotions and expressed frustrations make me think/say, "we're in the same boat." However, I want to tell my comrades, "get off the damn boat! swim away! you want something better than to be here." Then it hits me, would I rather have the company - such as the saying "misery loves company" ? Or would I really want my friends to find their proverbial island paradise?
Of course we would all dream of the island paradise where happiness seemingly lies. But when, nay, what will happen that will get us to that island? Will we be rescued or will we muster the courage to swim into the sea of the unknown. Some earth-shattering event has to happen at some point right?
Alas: faith, hope & love friends ....
In my fictious boat, I experience life ... through high seas, weathering storms, witnessing rainbows, countless sunrises and sunsets that continually take my breath away.
In any rate, I have recently found that friends near and far seem to experience the same trials and tribulations or emotional distrought at the same time I am. Same emotions and expressed frustrations make me think/say, "we're in the same boat." However, I want to tell my comrades, "get off the damn boat! swim away! you want something better than to be here." Then it hits me, would I rather have the company - such as the saying "misery loves company" ? Or would I really want my friends to find their proverbial island paradise?
Of course we would all dream of the island paradise where happiness seemingly lies. But when, nay, what will happen that will get us to that island? Will we be rescued or will we muster the courage to swim into the sea of the unknown. Some earth-shattering event has to happen at some point right?
Alas: faith, hope & love friends ....
silent-g
the fifth note.
no, a consonant quietly existing.
who would have thought, this oddly placed letter would make such an impact. is it suppose to be there? how would it exist otherwise? how do you pronounce it?
it both forces you to open your eyes and see the world in a brand new fashion, and yet, refuses to come out on its own. partelle, what is this little silent-g afraid of?
funny how one little moment in time could have such an impact. how one little letter can affect someone so. how the mind struggles to find peace and solidarity to understand. its silence speaks volumes but does not lay to rest any trace of hope.
someone sees you silent-g: for who all that you are, what you represent, what you want to be.
no, a consonant quietly existing.
who would have thought, this oddly placed letter would make such an impact. is it suppose to be there? how would it exist otherwise? how do you pronounce it?
it both forces you to open your eyes and see the world in a brand new fashion, and yet, refuses to come out on its own. partelle, what is this little silent-g afraid of?
funny how one little moment in time could have such an impact. how one little letter can affect someone so. how the mind struggles to find peace and solidarity to understand. its silence speaks volumes but does not lay to rest any trace of hope.
someone sees you silent-g: for who all that you are, what you represent, what you want to be.
05 July 2007
my wish list
Life:
(in no particular order)
- have a family of my own --> husband & 2 children, maybe 3 ... to raise and support them with a lifestyle where they wouldn't have to worry about food, money, and other convinences that i take for granted
- own a house
- job satisfaction
- travel --> fill my passport / stepped foot on every continent
- PT school
- financial independence
- a new(er) car
- toned body
- romantic relationship
- bball - handles / being able to take it to the rack / blocking ppl
- do a pull-up
- 1 armed push-ups
- running - complete 1/2 marathon
- start swimming/cycling again
(in no particular order)
- at the very least my height or TALLER
- athletic w/some affinity to basketball
- spontaneously fun / loves to try new things
- thoughtful / showing that he thinks of you via his actions
- romantic
- takes initiative
- good listener
- makes me laugh / likes to laugh with me (not at!)
- inquizative / thinks critically
- understanding
- self-aware
- passionate about life
- easy-going
- sense of style / knows how to dress for the occassion
- pretty eyes
- gives great hugs
- strives to understand me
- steadfast / won't neglect me in a time of true need
- patient
- emotionally available
- loves to spend time with me / willing to make time for me
- opens me up / expands my world
- loves my quirks / dorkiness / vulnerabilities
- compromises
- keeps his word
- likes music in some way, shape or form
- makes me feel safe & secure
- makes me feel special
- someone i can be silly and dorky with
- someone who makes a good teammate
03 July 2007
"Sober" - Kelly Clarkson
And I don't know
This could break my heart or save me
Nothing's real
Until you let go completely
So here I go with all my thoughts I've been saving
So here I go with all my fears weighing on me
Three months and I'm still sober
Picked all my weeds but kept the flowers
But I know it's never really over
And I don't know
I could crash and burn but maybe
At the end of this road I might catch a glimpse of me
So I won't worry about my timing, I want to get it right
No comparing, second guessing, no not this time
Three months and I'm still breathing
Been a long road since those hands I left my tears in but I know
It's never really over, no
Wake up
Three months and I'm still standing here
Three months and I'm getting better yeah
Three months and I still am
Three months and it's still harder now
Three months I've been living here without you now
Three months yeah, three months
Three months and I'm still breathing
Three months and I still remember it
Three months and I wake up
Three months and I'm still sober
Picked all my weeds but kept the flowers
This could break my heart or save me
Nothing's real
Until you let go completely
So here I go with all my thoughts I've been saving
So here I go with all my fears weighing on me
Three months and I'm still sober
Picked all my weeds but kept the flowers
But I know it's never really over
And I don't know
I could crash and burn but maybe
At the end of this road I might catch a glimpse of me
So I won't worry about my timing, I want to get it right
No comparing, second guessing, no not this time
Three months and I'm still breathing
Been a long road since those hands I left my tears in but I know
It's never really over, no
Wake up
Three months and I'm still standing here
Three months and I'm getting better yeah
Three months and I still am
Three months and it's still harder now
Three months I've been living here without you now
Three months yeah, three months
Three months and I'm still breathing
Three months and I still remember it
Three months and I wake up
Three months and I'm still sober
Picked all my weeds but kept the flowers
02 July 2007
Dear House,
Taken from 'Spirit' Magazine, by Melinda Mahaffey --> as i was on my flight back to the bay ... i thought this was quite fitting b/c it describes my frustrations and attachments and ideals of 'HOME'
I am afraid for you. Mom and Dad have decided to sell. The kids are moving out, and it's time for retirement. A lot of the houses in our neighborhood have been torn down in the last few years to make way for McMansions that dominate .... and I'm afraid that this will be your fate as well. I don't understand people who so carelessly destroy a house, b/c a house is more than bricks and mortar. You have been the receptacle of our memories and our dreams.
I don't know if everyone has such an affinity for the house where they grew up. Do they dream of it still, or have they just passed on to their next abode, without thought for what they have left behind? Yes, I know I'm too old to be attached .... but we always made our way back to you. In the midst of change, you were the one constant in my life - the string that kept me from floating off. You were the place that kept me rooted to the ground, the acre that gave me a hometown when all my meager possessions were packed into a 9-year-old's cardboard boxes.
Can it really have been so long? When i look back, I can see ... the small walled garden that was overgrown with bamboo, a mini-jungle that i was afraid to walk into just in case there was snakes waiting to get me ... All of these things have disappeared over the years in the name of remodeling. But even though you have changed, the essence of you, which is buried deep in me, has stayed the same.
The funny thing is, you have changed me too, changed me in a thousand tiny ways. Through the years of blind habit, I hand my clothes backward in foreign closets b/c your close rails are reversed. I automatically lower the showerheads to shoulder height in hotel bathrooms b/c I'm now taller than the fixture that towered above my head when I was little.
As I grew up, you protected me through storms. Not only the dramatic ones that passed through ... but also the storms in life: the school exams, breakups, and painfully earnest teenage years. You have have listed to my phone conversations and never gossiped about what you've heard. But more than that, you have give me the courage to go out into the world b/c I've know that you would take me back, w/o question and w/o judgement. A girl could not ask for more.
Now I see that I'm more afraid for myself than for you - selfishly afraid that when you're gone, I will have no home. I've skipped around the world and returned again; you string became the rubber band that snapped me back.
I imagine that for some years in the future, I will drive by just to see you, to make sure your new owners love you as we loved you. But know that whatever happens, I will carry you with me. You are the bricks and mortar of who I am, the still point in a world of chaos.
Thank you 2125 Sea Cliff Way. one day i hope to buy you back :)
I am afraid for you. Mom and Dad have decided to sell. The kids are moving out, and it's time for retirement. A lot of the houses in our neighborhood have been torn down in the last few years to make way for McMansions that dominate .... and I'm afraid that this will be your fate as well. I don't understand people who so carelessly destroy a house, b/c a house is more than bricks and mortar. You have been the receptacle of our memories and our dreams.
I don't know if everyone has such an affinity for the house where they grew up. Do they dream of it still, or have they just passed on to their next abode, without thought for what they have left behind? Yes, I know I'm too old to be attached .... but we always made our way back to you. In the midst of change, you were the one constant in my life - the string that kept me from floating off. You were the place that kept me rooted to the ground, the acre that gave me a hometown when all my meager possessions were packed into a 9-year-old's cardboard boxes.
Can it really have been so long? When i look back, I can see ... the small walled garden that was overgrown with bamboo, a mini-jungle that i was afraid to walk into just in case there was snakes waiting to get me ... All of these things have disappeared over the years in the name of remodeling. But even though you have changed, the essence of you, which is buried deep in me, has stayed the same.
The funny thing is, you have changed me too, changed me in a thousand tiny ways. Through the years of blind habit, I hand my clothes backward in foreign closets b/c your close rails are reversed. I automatically lower the showerheads to shoulder height in hotel bathrooms b/c I'm now taller than the fixture that towered above my head when I was little.
As I grew up, you protected me through storms. Not only the dramatic ones that passed through ... but also the storms in life: the school exams, breakups, and painfully earnest teenage years. You have have listed to my phone conversations and never gossiped about what you've heard. But more than that, you have give me the courage to go out into the world b/c I've know that you would take me back, w/o question and w/o judgement. A girl could not ask for more.
Now I see that I'm more afraid for myself than for you - selfishly afraid that when you're gone, I will have no home. I've skipped around the world and returned again; you string became the rubber band that snapped me back.
I imagine that for some years in the future, I will drive by just to see you, to make sure your new owners love you as we loved you. But know that whatever happens, I will carry you with me. You are the bricks and mortar of who I am, the still point in a world of chaos.
Thank you 2125 Sea Cliff Way. one day i hope to buy you back :)
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