just checking in

it's been very crazy since I returned from my China trip...
i wonder if i will ever have a normal routine again. the instability worries me. i feel like since everything around me is so uncontrolled because I am not controlling anything.

i honestly miss him. but there are so many things that are so unreasonable to me. he broke my heart and made me so disillusioned about life that i dont even know what to do. how does one say that it's ok that he doesnt want me to move in, doesnt believe in marriage, and wants me to wait for him? that makes no sense.

i just want things to go my way ... i miss the warmth in my life. i still feel so lost. i just want to be whole again.

thank you for listening. i didnt know who else to turn to.