Limbo... right?

usually i have some creative pity thematic blog, but it wont be one of those today. i apologize. i blame the self-induced emotional rollercoaster i put myself on and my lack of sleep.

i had all these thoughts running through my head at a million miles an hour that i couldnt find the source of it. it bugged me. i let it fester for another 14hrs or so .... but by 1:01am tuesday morning, i couldnt take it anymore. to my journal i went (because i was still lacking a computer). my journal is simple. my uncle gave it to me when i was a sophomore in high schoool as a christmas gift with a cute pen. it has a picture of a schnouzer (b/c i am the year of the dog) and is spiral bound. i write in it if i cant sleep ... like that night.

i like to puruse the last entry i wrote or randomly pick from something a million and a half years ago. but that nite, i just picked the last one. it was from june 20, 2007. coincidentally enough, i was still venting about the same things. it struck me because that seemed so long ago, and yet, a similar situation that kept me up feeling flustered and vulnerable. i realized that i needed to get real with myself. i decided i truly wanted to be happy and that i was gonna really put my all into the steps to get me there. i was chasing ideas and things that didnt seem 100% me, but it was almost flirting with having to feed my ego .... (but oh, those things woulda been so great!)

more importantly, i learned that i needed to be more genuine with people. i would love to get back to the mentality that i could talk to another without having to guess how they would react if i did/said something. having not to do something to get a reaction out of them and hoping it'd be enough to create sparks...... it's like stimulating a nerve cell to generate an action potential, but the cell hasnt become depolarized enough for the action potential actually be made - so nothing happens. (yes, that was my nerd moment that hit me studying on sunday).

so goodbye to the thought of potentials. i'll know the real deal when it gets here!

no more over thinking. more action. /-\+ (that's my cowbell ... more cowbell!)