by Mark Twain

"On with the dance, let joy be unconfined..."

Self-Worth

I begun to realize how fickle my faith is in myself. Growing up, I, like everyone else, developed insecurities. But as I've matured, I've learned that I can handle most situations. But really, handling them to what extent?

I believe I've found the virus that has been plaguing my post-graduate life: a devalued self-worth. I didn't graduate with the best of grades, did not get into graduate schools, nor is my personal life clearly marked. I've noticed that in my work and personal relationships that I almost had to shake them and say, "DO YOU KNOW HOW GOOD I AM?," but never did ... I was too arrogant or unassertive enough to be able to stand up for myself. I always thought my work speaked for itself. As it did, but the other side did not realize it until much later.

So what is self-worth? It's an undeniable confidence in yourself and abilities. )For some, it comes off as arrogance, but with arrogance there is an underlying layer of ignorance or a sophmoric attitude. Again, I stress the key word in that last statement is confidence.) It's essentially having your own back, unafraid of not reaching your goal ... it's not settling or compromising yourself.

A close friend and I have the same struggle. We tell each other the same advice all the time. But now, I really want better for myself. I deserve better for myself and for everything that I stand for. (Knowing and realizing are 2, entirely seperate entities). This won't be an easy thing to change, because it also involves self-confidence which has come few and far inbetween lately. But at least I know I will be working on it...

'Til next time ...

Bah hum bug... rant

I miss gentlemanly behavior.

I miss receiving flowers for the sole reason of being thought of.

The holidays always makes me wishful, but always for something more than I can attain. I think that's why it makes some depressed ... because they want something that's almost impossible in this time.

Dear Christmas, it's been a pretty emotional year but I hope that you'll bring me peace of mind, serenity, and please bring back my full-loving heart. Bring my destiny to a reality.

Don't know which one I've had

Good is good and bad is bad. But you don't know which one you've had. -Sheryl Crow

When I think about it, this has been a very stressful year. I went from being happy to having had a lot of things fall apart. It makes me wonder if being happy at the time was just a bandaid ... something to hide the root of the problem.

Sheryl Crow's song previously reminded me to keep the good things and the bad things separate, so that I can remember the good and move forward from the bad. But that second line dawned on me this morning ... what if I cannot tell which was what? What if the good was really bad and vice versa. I don't know ... I always feel like I am learning this big lession, but I always feel like I am struggling. I want to ENJOY my life ... I think I've learned to love someone else so much that I forgot to love my own life.

Living the "single life" again has been quite the experience ... much more idiotic things have happened since the last time. It's pointed out to me what I had, what I didn't have, and what I want. Too bad they're all in different people.

I am hoping for a change in the tide. Somehow reinvent myself for true success and happiness. Until then, my search continues ...

just checking in

it's been very crazy since I returned from my China trip...
i wonder if i will ever have a normal routine again. the instability worries me. i feel like since everything around me is so uncontrolled because I am not controlling anything.

i honestly miss him. but there are so many things that are so unreasonable to me. he broke my heart and made me so disillusioned about life that i dont even know what to do. how does one say that it's ok that he doesnt want me to move in, doesnt believe in marriage, and wants me to wait for him? that makes no sense.

i just want things to go my way ... i miss the warmth in my life. i still feel so lost. i just want to be whole again.

thank you for listening. i didnt know who else to turn to.

The "Before 30 Bucket List"- Part 1

In 2.55 years, I would like to accomplish:

1. Complete a full Ironman
2. Clear credit card debit
3. Zip-linging in Costa Rica
4. See Auroa Borealis with my own eyes
5. Greece/Spain/Italy
6. Petra/Egypt
7. Ride from San Francisco to LA

... to be continued

Reality bites

reality rushing over me like a brisk cold wave of emotion ... i can feel the hurt setting in as it decides to postulate at the bottom of my stomach. it was only a matter of time before the hurt came to overtake me. it's amazing what people will do to numb the pain- to distract, avoid, prolong the inevitable ... hoping to somehow skip to the part where it all feels better.

it just doesn't make sense anymore.

Something to meditate on

Love is just love.

all over the map with a destination

i know i say this often, especially when times feel like their darkest ... or at least some variant of this but here goes:
hope. in hope there is faith. in faith there is the true essence of love.

today i realized i've gone from feeling fantastic! to ... just fine.

it's actually shocking how easily you can live for someone instead of with someone. i lived the past 9 months for someone in order to follow a dream. but as i am slowly dissecting now, i see that we were chasing different dreams. him, taking a leap in career; me, taking a leap of love. somehow, this fantasy of ours became muddled in time changes and call times and new changes each to their own. distance = doomed? i guess we both had to find out for ourselves.

some of my closest friends comment of how much i've grown emotionally and how much of "a champ" i am for taking things the way that i am. i am sad ... of course i will miss him, but most of all, i will miss how we love each other. our love was the kind that was unique ... it was everything i had inside. i view this most recent break up as: ohhh ... so close // like losing a close game- good effort, but just wasn't enough today kiddo (story of my freaking life!)

in any rate, let the influx of post-breakup cliques flow through (none of which will help me feel better at this hour) ... but in all seriousness, i really wonder what these next few months will bring. i hope especially for internal peace and for me to rediscover what makes ME happy again. further down the road- i think it's safe to say that i need someone both emotionally AND physically available.

here's a quick little fantasy about the life that i want: laughter outside on a warm evening, stars, a firepit to light the night out on a beautiful deck, wine flowing, wonderful company, smiling. my life's goal now is to have both love & happiness to share ... to cherish ... to grow & flourish. oh, and let's not forget my completing-a-full-Ironman-triathlon-before-I-am-thirty thing ... :P

bursting at the seems

what's inspirational is seeing just absolute love pour out of someone. once it breaks open- it's joyous, beautiful, and amazing.

so i will not take offense when someone sees my heart on my shoulder, for at least i am filled with heart and emotion.

one can never hide the love in their heart.

down with love!

i don't know why i keep subjecting myself to it. it's almost masocistic. now begins the painful morning process of all the love i possed for him. why him? it's either there or it isn't. i don't question it. i'm heartbroken that it cannot continue on in the same way. the truth of our relationship saddens me.

i'm scared. i feel like i've landed and i don't know where i am. what will happen 3 months from now? will the end result be closer together or further away? i don't understand selfishness. saying goodbye just seems so paradoxal in this situation. i feel that i've gained maturity, but now lost so much emotionally.

i feel a great loss.

what will fulfill me next?

univision

find a vision that keeps your heart warm.

the facade

hate this place- physically, mentally, emotionally. change is typically reflected in a positive light. and yet, no one - including myself - really ever fully realizes the reality of it all. in my case, i think i found the other side of change's coin: the bottom side. i think it's mainly the fact that this is not MY place and I do not feel comfortable at all. all my recent change was the result of others' decisions.

i hate the noise the factory across the street makes. i hate the random car booming it's bass or rev-ing its engine. i hate seeing the cars behind me glare as i slow down to turn into my own parking garage. i hate having to wear ear plugs to sleep. i hate feeling that i always have to clean up after myself. i hate thinking a roommate is pissed at me because they are moody. i hate my crazy boss who can't get her head out of the 90's. i hate that she stirs the pot and claims she is not one. i hate that i work so hard and cannot earn enough to enjoy my life outside of work. i hate feeling left behind. i hate not being able to travel to see my loved ones. i hate that my car is unreliable. i hate waiting for the unknown. i hate knowing that i am not a true priority right now.

this is the past 2 months of me. how did this happen? i found balance. i found me and strived to live through love ... and now i hate. i know all those things above is what i don't want, and therefore, hate. such the thinnest line between the two ... for too long have i been struggling! 4 months of emotional, physical, mental turmoil churning from my heart to my head- resulting in pure, utter disappointment and self-pity.

goodness gracious, i don't want to be here anymore!

impasse

in my previous relationship, i learned that hesitation & fear led to missing my turn. i also learned that loving someone else meant loving them for who they are in their entirety and expecting nothing more that for them to be themselves.

in this relationship i am learning the vastness of love. i've learned that the clique, "you can only love another if/when you love yourself," is true. in this relationship i've learned to let the other act on their own and to communicate how their actions effect me.

but what happens when you get weary and it causes you to not love so much. (there goes a monkey-wrench in the love machine.) how does the problem get solved when the party that is able to compromise has nothing left to compromise? seems as though we have a stale-mate on our hands.

how does love fix a stale-mate? something's gotta give ... right? if the solution arises more questions, then it's really not the true solution. usually it's: answer, then deal with it. if only life changing decisions were that simple ...

gotta keep the faith that i'll get out of the tunnel. i wonder what awaits on the other side.

Dear personal psychologist (aka bloggie)

why it's so difficult for me to emotionally trust others?

let's explore that shall we?

when i was 8, i wished i had the power to read minds - so that i knew how to act. i think it was so that i could combat all those bullies who picked on me throughout my elementary school years. but sometimes i see that it continues to plague me still to this day. mostly apparent in how i approach basketball - i hate starting the game (when it does happen), because i like to see the tempo of the game and adjust accordingly. for example, if i see that the girls need more defense, when i get in there, i play the best defense possible. i am truly a reactionary person - id rather wait to react rather than anticipate. in turn, i put everyone above me - i let them choose the direction of the game.

it's an odd contradiction at this point in my life. as a full-fledged "adult," i feel when it comes to personal decisions that only pertain to myself, i can do that. however, when one or more persons are involved, they are put ahead of me. what's more interesting, i can probably say that i can trust anyone with my life, but not with my emotions. in other words- i value my heart more than my physical life. strange how one part of me is so hard to give when i willingly give everything else at any given moment if asked. perhaps it's because i can see the immediate cost-benefits; whereas with matters of the heart, the heaven only knows what will return or happen.

well, all i can say is that identifying it is a great step and that i'll work on it ... progress WAS made today- thank you :)
keep you posted, chao for now.

The end of an era

An Ode to my apt at Stoner ave-

4 yrs in one place is a long time ... it's like going through college/high school again. how quickly time flies and oh how much I've learned here. if these walls could talk ... i think they'd fondly laugh at how silly i was. all the good and bad, fights and friendships, old habits and new directions. as much as i hate this apt for its quirks (e.g. the wintertime icebox, a cricket's haven in summer, and the uber sensitive smoke-detector), i love it because it has been a HOME for me- a safe haven from the harsh realities of adulthood, and a place where I've matured and nurtured.

as bittersweet my farewell to this place i am giving it, i wonder if my roommate feels even half as much as i do for the apt? i can help but channel feelings of abandonment for her leaving. i wonder if it was anything i had done ... or not done? all in all, life does go on- and yet as i move forward into a new chapter in my life, i question what impact i've made ... did i leave my footprint? did this time mean something to anyone else besides me? only time will tell~ sa la vie!

so goodbye to my post-college era and hello full fledged adulthood. goodbye apt, you've been a really sweet home to me and i will never forget you :*)

send love out and receive it back in return.
love free from fear, doubt, ego.
send it beyond this moment, further than the future, and back from the past.
I've said this before (and I should really listen this time): let it go; for to live is to love.

I don't want to be afraid to live anymore.
one day soon I will be able to enjoy my life how I would like to by exploring new hobbies or one day drive a more dependable car ... have a career with meaning in my life.

peace + love --> (yield) happiness

so just like Carla did on 'Top Chef'- I'm sending the love out there~

mind bottling

what does the future hold? how will my life pan out? will i grow to be old? will i have children of my own? how will i make my mark in the world?

in life we learn to love, but in love there is life.

"que cira cira - whatever we'll be, we'll be ... the future's not our's to see ..."

don't think just do.
live.
love.

it's hard to see the light in all this darkness.

faith lies in hope.

today i cannot see, but there is the possibility of tomorrow.

today i want more for myself.
today i miss my heart.

tomorrow or tomorrow's tomorrow greatness will reveal itself.

crave, want, desire

i want adventure in the great white somewhere.
something more than this provincial life.
there must be something more ...

so much to do, so much to see.

i want my days to be worthwhile instead of loathing them. i crave experiences in foreign lands and mental pictures that my own eyes have processed.

i truly desire more ... that's all i can say for now.