usually i have some creative pity thematic blog, but it wont be one of those today. i apologize. i blame the self-induced emotional rollercoaster i put myself on and my lack of sleep.
i had all these thoughts running through my head at a million miles an hour that i couldnt find the source of it. it bugged me. i let it fester for another 14hrs or so .... but by 1:01am tuesday morning, i couldnt take it anymore. to my journal i went (because i was still lacking a computer). my journal is simple. my uncle gave it to me when i was a sophomore in high schoool as a christmas gift with a cute pen. it has a picture of a schnouzer (b/c i am the year of the dog) and is spiral bound. i write in it if i cant sleep ... like that night.
i like to puruse the last entry i wrote or randomly pick from something a million and a half years ago. but that nite, i just picked the last one. it was from june 20, 2007. coincidentally enough, i was still venting about the same things. it struck me because that seemed so long ago, and yet, a similar situation that kept me up feeling flustered and vulnerable. i realized that i needed to get real with myself. i decided i truly wanted to be happy and that i was gonna really put my all into the steps to get me there. i was chasing ideas and things that didnt seem 100% me, but it was almost flirting with having to feed my ego .... (but oh, those things woulda been so great!)
more importantly, i learned that i needed to be more genuine with people. i would love to get back to the mentality that i could talk to another without having to guess how they would react if i did/said something. having not to do something to get a reaction out of them and hoping it'd be enough to create sparks...... it's like stimulating a nerve cell to generate an action potential, but the cell hasnt become depolarized enough for the action potential actually be made - so nothing happens. (yes, that was my nerd moment that hit me studying on sunday).
so goodbye to the thought of potentials. i'll know the real deal when it gets here!
no more over thinking. more action. /-\+ (that's my cowbell ... more cowbell!)
25 October 2007
15 October 2007
Endurance
1/2 marathon: 13.1 miles = DONE =) official finish time: 2hrs, 17 min, 45 sec. (-4 min for resting)
after about 6 weeks of "official" training, all mileage and sweat and nites of worrying i'd be able to squeeze a run into my day paid off. miles 1-3 were a slight blur: filled with looking for my bff luan whom i missed becuase of timing coordination mishaps (due to masses of people looking to park in downtown long beach), snaking through the walkers, and finding a good pace to stay at. miles 3-6 felt good, i was warmed up, picked up my pace a bit, and was enjoying the dock-side scenery. miles 6-9 were fairly grueling probably because thousands of people were squished into the bike path along the beach. it was beautiful, but like i said squishy. hehe. by mile 9, i was extatic, only 4 miles left .... mile 10, Gu-refueling station, mile 11-12: my legs were feeling tired and a bit numb. i must say, mile 12-13.1 ............ longest ever!
but i did it. i felt so accomplished. physically, my legs havent been this sore in a long while. mentally, i feel really proud of myself and my friends who finished it as well. growing up, i hated endurance sports .... when i was on the swim team in middle school, i was a sprinter. prior to starting my annual mud runs, i had never run more than 3 miles in my life. maybe biking doesnt quite apply to me, but for all intense purposes, i always hated the first 8-10 miles of the ride my parents/family would drag me on.
in any rate, this weekend was actually really inspirational for me. on friday, i learned something new: how to hit a taiko drum. yay ucla yukai taiko! it was really refreshing to meet new people, even though i was literally the oldest one there. they were all filled with such passion for taiko and for each other that their energy radiated to everyone around - including me.
on saturday, i officially have given up every saturday for the next 6 months to Team in Training. biking 100 miles in march! as i listened to an honored member speak of everything that he went through. he endured. after beating hodgkin's disease and leukemia, then a shoulder replacement, a hip replacement, and then a heart replacement (all secondary to chemotherapy), he did a triathalon with team in training in 2006. he said that he never ever wanted to forget that feeling of crossing the finish-line ever again (which is why he's doing it again).
his story made me think, when you are at your lowest of lows ... like facing death ... it's accomplishing the impossible that makes life entirely worth enduring every single hardship. training ... life experiences .... they are all lessions/hardships/etc you learn from and take with you for the real test - whether it be something as big as cancer or a race event or test ... there is nothing like that feeling of accomplishment. the moment you stop feeling, you are dead.
flashing back to mile 12 yesterday morning, it made me realize the interplay of life/endurance/accomplishment. i felt so much anticipation to finish ... it was a nearly indescribeable feeling. It really makes me feel like i can accomplish anything again. Yes, it will be hard, but i must endure. and endure i will .... and success to me now is like my mile 12 of 13.1.
feeling ... i never want to stop feeling.
after about 6 weeks of "official" training, all mileage and sweat and nites of worrying i'd be able to squeeze a run into my day paid off. miles 1-3 were a slight blur: filled with looking for my bff luan whom i missed becuase of timing coordination mishaps (due to masses of people looking to park in downtown long beach), snaking through the walkers, and finding a good pace to stay at. miles 3-6 felt good, i was warmed up, picked up my pace a bit, and was enjoying the dock-side scenery. miles 6-9 were fairly grueling probably because thousands of people were squished into the bike path along the beach. it was beautiful, but like i said squishy. hehe. by mile 9, i was extatic, only 4 miles left .... mile 10, Gu-refueling station, mile 11-12: my legs were feeling tired and a bit numb. i must say, mile 12-13.1 ............ longest ever!
but i did it. i felt so accomplished. physically, my legs havent been this sore in a long while. mentally, i feel really proud of myself and my friends who finished it as well. growing up, i hated endurance sports .... when i was on the swim team in middle school, i was a sprinter. prior to starting my annual mud runs, i had never run more than 3 miles in my life. maybe biking doesnt quite apply to me, but for all intense purposes, i always hated the first 8-10 miles of the ride my parents/family would drag me on.
in any rate, this weekend was actually really inspirational for me. on friday, i learned something new: how to hit a taiko drum. yay ucla yukai taiko! it was really refreshing to meet new people, even though i was literally the oldest one there. they were all filled with such passion for taiko and for each other that their energy radiated to everyone around - including me.
on saturday, i officially have given up every saturday for the next 6 months to Team in Training. biking 100 miles in march! as i listened to an honored member speak of everything that he went through. he endured. after beating hodgkin's disease and leukemia, then a shoulder replacement, a hip replacement, and then a heart replacement (all secondary to chemotherapy), he did a triathalon with team in training in 2006. he said that he never ever wanted to forget that feeling of crossing the finish-line ever again (which is why he's doing it again).
his story made me think, when you are at your lowest of lows ... like facing death ... it's accomplishing the impossible that makes life entirely worth enduring every single hardship. training ... life experiences .... they are all lessions/hardships/etc you learn from and take with you for the real test - whether it be something as big as cancer or a race event or test ... there is nothing like that feeling of accomplishment. the moment you stop feeling, you are dead.
flashing back to mile 12 yesterday morning, it made me realize the interplay of life/endurance/accomplishment. i felt so much anticipation to finish ... it was a nearly indescribeable feeling. It really makes me feel like i can accomplish anything again. Yes, it will be hard, but i must endure. and endure i will .... and success to me now is like my mile 12 of 13.1.
feeling ... i never want to stop feeling.
11 October 2007
Swim or Die Trying
I can only describe this week as treading water ... as hard as i possibily can, to keep from drowning. I like to call it: school-blues. I quickly flash back into my undergraduate and high school days where everything seemed to be poking at me in all directions, demanding my full attention. the past month, i have been taking it from all sides: work, school, home, physically, emotionally.
but today, i feel defeated. i have relied on things that are completely and utterly failing me at this point, and the only way to is to fix it but i can't afford it (e.g. my dear old brenda and computer). but i think the phone call from my dad today was the last straw.
i admit it, i am a twenty five year old woman that is still not financially independent. not because i choose to be, but because i am off chasing my dream. i was glad that my parents had decided to support me, but that was 2 years ago. and now, 2 years later, i feel as though their expectations aren't emotionally worth the my efforts. i can imagine my parents belaying the fact that i am not yet successful - or not even on track to be successful - at their dinner parties/social events/meeting new friends. i feel cursed the day that wretched email went out from you-know-who.
it was scary actually thinking about giving up my dream to make my parents happy (= finanically independent). all of this made me think: what is this all really worth? what have i accomplished in the past 3 years except falling flat on my face time and time again.
i hoping this is the kick in the butt that i need to get me into gear ... if only i had the time. so i have to make time ... (and hopefully not get sick) =(
Here's something i found post-writing this blog: by Kristina Grish (one of my new fav bloggers @ women's health mag)
Take the Wrong Path
I break such a sweat shaping my future according to expectations that when I'm thrown a curve, I see it as a personal affront and major energy-suck. Gena simply adapts. She isn't afraid to make mistakes or quit with no strings attached. I recently struggled for months over whether to break a contract because I no longer believed in the project. Gena advised: "Walk away. It's not you anymore." Of course, she was right. In her world, mistakes lead to more fuck-ups. (PS: That's not a bad thing.)
http://www.womenshealthmag.com/article/0,6176,s1-21-80-1881-1,00.html
but today, i feel defeated. i have relied on things that are completely and utterly failing me at this point, and the only way to is to fix it but i can't afford it (e.g. my dear old brenda and computer). but i think the phone call from my dad today was the last straw.
i admit it, i am a twenty five year old woman that is still not financially independent. not because i choose to be, but because i am off chasing my dream. i was glad that my parents had decided to support me, but that was 2 years ago. and now, 2 years later, i feel as though their expectations aren't emotionally worth the my efforts. i can imagine my parents belaying the fact that i am not yet successful - or not even on track to be successful - at their dinner parties/social events/meeting new friends. i feel cursed the day that wretched email went out from you-know-who.
it was scary actually thinking about giving up my dream to make my parents happy (= finanically independent). all of this made me think: what is this all really worth? what have i accomplished in the past 3 years except falling flat on my face time and time again.
i hoping this is the kick in the butt that i need to get me into gear ... if only i had the time. so i have to make time ... (and hopefully not get sick) =(
Here's something i found post-writing this blog: by Kristina Grish (one of my new fav bloggers @ women's health mag)
Take the Wrong Path
I break such a sweat shaping my future according to expectations that when I'm thrown a curve, I see it as a personal affront and major energy-suck. Gena simply adapts. She isn't afraid to make mistakes or quit with no strings attached. I recently struggled for months over whether to break a contract because I no longer believed in the project. Gena advised: "Walk away. It's not you anymore." Of course, she was right. In her world, mistakes lead to more fuck-ups. (PS: That's not a bad thing.)
http://www.womenshealthmag.com/article/0,6176,s1-21-80-1881-1,00.html
01 October 2007
Make Me Earn It
I like to keep some inspirational tidbids here b/c my memory fades, and i know when i look back i can look at this again and fill myself with a large cup of hope.
"Brick walls are there for a reason. They let us prove how badly we want things." -Randy Pausch (Carnegie Mellon University computer-science professor)
http://online.wsj.com/article/SB119024238402033039.html?mod=Moving+On
thanks do, it's awesome to get thru the mornings via gchat!
"Brick walls are there for a reason. They let us prove how badly we want things." -Randy Pausch (Carnegie Mellon University computer-science professor)
http://online.wsj.com/article/SB119024238402033039.html?mod=Moving+On
thanks do, it's awesome to get thru the mornings via gchat!
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