Don't know which one I've had

Good is good and bad is bad. But you don't know which one you've had. -Sheryl Crow

When I think about it, this has been a very stressful year. I went from being happy to having had a lot of things fall apart. It makes me wonder if being happy at the time was just a bandaid ... something to hide the root of the problem.

Sheryl Crow's song previously reminded me to keep the good things and the bad things separate, so that I can remember the good and move forward from the bad. But that second line dawned on me this morning ... what if I cannot tell which was what? What if the good was really bad and vice versa. I don't know ... I always feel like I am learning this big lession, but I always feel like I am struggling. I want to ENJOY my life ... I think I've learned to love someone else so much that I forgot to love my own life.

Living the "single life" again has been quite the experience ... much more idiotic things have happened since the last time. It's pointed out to me what I had, what I didn't have, and what I want. Too bad they're all in different people.

I am hoping for a change in the tide. Somehow reinvent myself for true success and happiness. Until then, my search continues ...

just checking in

it's been very crazy since I returned from my China trip...
i wonder if i will ever have a normal routine again. the instability worries me. i feel like since everything around me is so uncontrolled because I am not controlling anything.

i honestly miss him. but there are so many things that are so unreasonable to me. he broke my heart and made me so disillusioned about life that i dont even know what to do. how does one say that it's ok that he doesnt want me to move in, doesnt believe in marriage, and wants me to wait for him? that makes no sense.

i just want things to go my way ... i miss the warmth in my life. i still feel so lost. i just want to be whole again.

thank you for listening. i didnt know who else to turn to.