How to Deal

so there's this new NBC show 'quarterlife' about these young adults ... post-college, trying to find their way. kinda like where i am now ... as in "quarter life crisis" themed, where these characters are trying to establish themselves in the world while still really figuring out who they are. sound familiar?? i guess the interesting aspect of the show is that the main character has this video blog. and i thought to myself: my blog is pretty emo itself, and she reveals EVERYTHING down to the point where she outs her friends on stuff and what she really thinks. she got in trouble with her friends of course, but she speaks the truth i guess. i guess im just not sure how i'd handle video of myself, especially being all vulnerable and such (b/c i truly hate being vulnerable, let alone the world to see).

anyways, i do depend on this blog to logically voice my fears, doubts, spurts of optimism and hope that i thought i lost, songs that match my mood, accomplishments, etc. ... all in all, im heard in some fashion, it's out of me and into the world. so you can say, it's how i make sense of my world ... it's how i deal.

this week has been another rollercoaster-esque one in which the culmination of school/work/extra-curriculars are soon to be all reaching their pinacle. i have finals coming up in which im probably highly unprepared for and struggling to keep up. i still havent even come up with a solid topic for my term research paper and it's due next week. my molecular bio prof is still hounding the class to the point of near harassment of how difficult this section's exam will be. the solvang century is a week and half away and i still havent compartenmentalized my feelings for jer.

did i miss anything? yes, my friends ... im so busy these days, i can hardly keep up with their lives as well. it's sort of a mutual thing, but gchat and cell phones help. and yes, i was hardcore enough to fly to vegas after a 75 mile bike ride to see them for ~10 hrs ... i needed to see them. and as ali had pointed out: it's so hard to get ALL of us in one single place. we are a special group and i know we're all with each other in our hearts :)

so my weekend was filled with some flattery - i think it was just the confidence booster i needed. it spurred a positive reaction that's probably keeping me from imploding. but all in all, i didnt ask for my current situation with jer. in fact, i wanted the complete opposite. i am disappointed in him as a friend ... like i dont know him anymore. i also hate the fact that i feel like he cares about everyone and everything else EXCEPT me.
but a thought hit me the other night on my way home from class: do i really have the time for such an intense relationship? just as he supposedly cannot emotionally expend for me, i couldnt spatially afford to do the same. so maybe it was doomed from the beginning. in any rate, i think at this point, i wont be happy anywhere until i achieve my career goals. dont get me wrong, i am still a love-bug. but today is a day where everyone, including myself, needs to remind me to be strong through this ... strong enough to care about all the other aspects of my life so that i dont fall appart on the outside.

i had an interesting conversation with a friend who's highly religious - and i am as well, to a certain point, but no where near him or even my brother. he was venting to me, and i shared that i prayed for my own happiness. he quickly responded with a warning, as if to say, "becareful what you wish for." yes, God works in mysterious ways, but he was worried it would raise havoc in my life. i thought to myself: well, my life is pretty crazy now ... but at least i know no matter what is thrown at me, i will be able to handle it.

during my weekly sob-fest, my best friend told me now is the time to dig in deep ... really pull through for myself. it's true, because no one else will do it for me. i immediately pictured myself on my bike from saturday's ride where i swear i wasnt going to make it up that damn mountain. i did stop 2x to regroup for a second, but i made it.

i can, and i will.