pants on fire!

liar liar ... pants on fire.
a lie is a lie is a lie is a lie.

if i had a nickle for everytime i've been caught in a lie, i could buy myself a nice bottle of wine. yipes. i remember hiding bowls under my bed for the ice cream i "secretly" ate ... only to see the disgusted look on my parents face and taunting laughs some childhood friends gave when they exposed the ugly truth.

most lies are generated as an excuse ... to justify doing something you know is wrong, but feel compelled to do so inspite of everything. something you are supposedly suppose to grow out of. right?

well, apparently not me. at this day in age, all the so-called self improvements that i've made feel nullified because i lied. lies hurt. and i truly didnt mean to hurt a close friend. i wanted satisfaction at any cost. but that price tag is just too high ...

all in all, ive been lying to myself. justifying way too many things for the way that i operate. for the most part, things are fine. but when u get to down to the core, this way isnt at all right and inappropriate for me.

i found my new year's resolution: to be honest - with myself. that way i can be truly earnest to others. whole-hearted in all my actions. i want this resolution to stick ... forever.

... i pray for forgiveness and peace.

naps are wonderful

yet another perfectly put thought of the day by realsimple.com (which i should start subscribing to too!!):
No day is so bad it can't be fixed with a nap. -- Carrie Snow

thank goodness for the treatment tables and private rooms at work =) 15 minutes to reset, feel refreshed ... add a little caffeine and you're good to go for the long-haul!

this is why i <3 naps *^_^*

it's simple really

Put your heart, mind, intellect and soul even to your smallest acts. This is the secret of success. -- Swami Sivananda
yay for the realsimple.com thought of the day on my igoogle page.

i liked that one, especially because i know a very successful person who does that in every aspect of their life. i'd love to emulate that ... yup, uploaded onto my 'ways to improve' list.

christmas was a blur, but im glad to be apart of bringing joy to family =)

onto new year's .... resolutions? hmm, none of them i never really keep .. in any rate, i always strive for self-improvement/balance ... making it better than the last.

hopes for '08: a great future and happiness. that's all i can ask for really.

so i will keep chugging along.

focus .... breathe ... focus.

ouch, man. ouch.

i hate it when a person whom you think you can trust completely .... somehow finds their way to utterly disappoint you - to the point where you never thought it was possible they could hurt you that way.

this is why i have trust issues: it makes me think i expect too much from people.

a very good year

like a fine red wine. i like to think that 2007 was one full of emotional growth and self-actualization. i tried my best in everything i did. loved and cherished all those closest to me. took a step forward. hopefully santa will see how hard i've been working all year long & grant me a really great christmas wish! :P (hey santa, dont forget i'll be staying at grandma's this year!)

only good things to come .... i can feel it *^_^*

ps - if you arent in the christmas spirit yet ... watch "this christmas" =)

so close! and yet, so far...

like mile 10.0 of 13.2 by foot or mile 34.2 of 45.0 and having your bike chain break ...

i learn a new life lesson every week or so. i'm not perfect, but i am me. i had a conversation yesterday with my bff. her and i are like 1 mind at times, and a characteristic we share in common is that we're both bubbly about 89.5% of the time. she was telling me how it annoyed her that those around her are at a lost when she isnt bubbly. i said, "i know!!"

so ive decided that i have to figure out a new procedure for when shit hits the fan ... instead of freaking out and getting stressed out and thinking omg-the-world-is-coming-to-an-end ... and probably more importantly, taking it out on ppl - esp those closest to me. in other words, i need a more constructive outlet. i exercise a lot and do yoga (from time to time) .... perphaps a new mental approach.

i think i'll know the right person when i can tell him:
You see everything, you see every part
You see all my light and you love my dark
You dig everything of which I'm ashamed
There's not anything to which you can't relate
And you're still here.

WORD!

Just Perfect

these words struck me when i was at the laundromat the other day with my ipod on blast:

Oh God grant me the serenity to accept the things that I cannot change
The courage to change the things that I can
The wisdom to know the difference
... and God give me the courage to love with an open heart,
An open heart, an open heart I wanna love with an open heart
... with an open heart

"Intro: Loving" - India Arie

mental mush

no vivid prose today, just random thoughts:

• im so over my physiology class .... and i still cant find that final push to actually study.
• i am sad. but i will be ok.
• i thought i had made progress, but now i dont feel so strong anymore - like there is some void all of a sudden.
• you were my rock where i placed my hand.
• i wonder if i had given enough for you to return back to me.
• no one has ever been able to reach me like you.
• have u ever felt like the advice your friends give you feels wrong?
• i wonder if you will find yourself back with me. i think that is what makes me the most uncertain, and indirectly the saddest ... i just dont know. i know that we always come back together - whether one person ends it and when we least expect it.
• but today i am sad ... i wanna help ... i wish i could help ... be there for you like you did for me, but you and i both know that's not what you need right now.
• maybe i was the one who deals with things in the most efficient way possible that it wore you down.
• deep down, ive always wanted you near.

"and that's the way this wheel keeps working out ... " - john mayer

It's beginning to look alot like Christmas

...everywhere you go....

i love that song. i was on my bike today where i started to sing to myself "this christmas" & later on proceeded to put in my 98-degrees christmas cd in (hey, they do a really great job w/the accapellas!) i think one of the reasons why people attenuate christmas on being special is because of the joy, wonderment and magic that occurs during the holiday season.

christmas is always filled with tradition and wanting to be close to those you love. i think i've had pretty lonely christmas pasts over the past few years. that sucks. i'd love nothing more than to have someone special to trudge to the mall or look online for ... to see the joy i brought for them for christmas.

one of these days, someone will do that for me. dear santa, please bring me someone like that.

on a different note, i like to joke around with my friends when things in my romantic life go awry that it's similar to carrie from 'sex and the city' or meredith from 'grey's anatomy.' today, i feel like carrie, an episode where she's yelling at mr. big: everytime we become something, i get burned. everytime .... i get hurt.

songs to fit my mood:

1. "the trouble with love is" - kelly clarkson
2. "breathe in breathe out" - mat kearney
3. "wonderful world" - james morrison
   
4. "i'll be home for christmas" - [insert your favorite artist here]

Level Up

remember a rousing game of 'super mario brothers'? as for me, my parents never let me and my brothers have one. i guess thinking back, we weren't home THAT often and we had a computer. anyways, well with any video game, our protagonist is in search of something (e.g. a prize, princess, secret magical land, etc) and he/she has to fight many battles, use their problem solving skills, and test themselves physically (as 2-d can possibly present).

this reminds me of life. a person has a dream and struggles like crazy in all aspects to attain it.

this week has been so emotionally difficult for me. i had faced a part of my past i have gladly moved on from, but at the same time grounded b/c i feel like i haven't traveled as far as i thought. these two individuals were both at one time in my life extremely close to me. for some worldly reason, relationships with each of these individuals did not work out. however, in my most reason conversations with them, both have attacked my character. i felt insulted, and i feel misrepresented.

in the past 2 years, i know i have matured emotionally. after overcoming everything from grad-school rejections, lost lovers, to family quarrels .... i am so much more self-assured in my own abilities. and i try my best for understanding from all sides of the story. in short, i have a descent account for my emotions.

i do have a sensitive side .... others have called it 'vulnerability.' however, it's never stopped me from eventually succeeding. i have fought my own battles, never asking anyone to fight them for me. i reach out to people when there is doubt, when i lose some of that self-assurance. no person is an island and cannot forge into battles on their own. a true friend in my eyes is one who will stand side-by-side next to me ready to fight with me and not for me.

to truly know and love a person, you love the good with the bad; you enjoy the good and understand the bad. to know me, is to know all sides of me. i may smile a lot and seem happy all the time ... and 90% of the time, that's true. but hey, im human - that's why i have great friends to listen & this blogger account.

i fight for a better version of me. advancing to the next level soon!

Once upon a time ...

... i fell in love at first sight. it was that breath-taking/surprise at every corner/head over heel/i thought he was the one for me kind of love.

... once upon a time i could trust my heart completely.

but the fairy tale didnt come true. he gave into his fears and as did i. he hurt me, i hurt him. no matter what, the warmth of those times will keep my heart warm.

... and when the dust cleared and settled this is what i saw: he is exactly the same person as he used to be. i know i wronged him. he said he's forgiven me, but it sure doesn't feel like it.

i am a better person now. he cannot take that away from me. i brought myself back from darkness. i have come so far from where i was, and i have so much more to go! i am strong now - no fair trying to drag me back to where you are.

...once upon a time was then .... and this is now damn it.