there she lay, her body not her own. she wore a light brown mandarin collared dress with dark brown buttons. she had no hair (a side effect from the intense chemotherapy treatments). her eyes closed, hands crossed below her abdomen. a blanket of red roses lay over her casket (a gift from my auntie). we all said our goodbyes to a mother, mother-in-law, and grandma.
her name was so-ping "sophie" wong. i know she was a resilent woman, a trait so promenently expressed through my father ... a trait i proudly possess. she wanted to be a nurse, but met my grandfather and then had my dad. my grandfather died in 1964. she was a strong woman: she immigrated to america, raised 2 other children, and became a beautician all on her own. she was a modest woman who lived for her family and faith.
2 of my cousins spoke at her funeral. for a short period i was jealous. they knew her. she did their hair growing up and getting ready for dances and formals ... she talked to them about their lives and cared for them afterschool like any other grandparent would ... she made them her chicken specialty to take with them to school. my brothers and i, werent so lucky.
despite my complicated family geneology, i am proud to say that even though i didnt know her, i am a product of her values. perphaps there is some wong-family gene for resilency, for it's fueled my life and helped me succeed thus far. speaking of genes, my dad looks a lot like her.
20 November 2007
16 November 2007
Mirror Mirror in the wall ...
who do i see? do i look different from when i was a child? i sure do feel different.
i came to the horrible conclusion last night ... i surely dont hate the way i look nor do i hate who i am or who i've become ... i hate WHERE i am.
where i am, is miles from where i want to be. eons far from PT school, establishing myself in this world. as in one of my recent posts, i dont even have time to keep my room/apt clean, catch up with my friends, cook for myself, be the uber nerd i am at heart. i want to be able to handle it all, but it's all barreling out of control. i want to say that i aced my classes while working AND getting into PT school! yes, i am out to prove a point. but i guess i just want to ensure that my life has purpose. i feel that my purpose is to help heal. and i have chosen it through PT. sometimes im not sure if PT wants me though.
discourgagement, frustration, self-doubt hits. laughter helps. i think i get that from my grandpas ... they laughed a lot when they were alive. im dorky b/c of my mom.
i know i can do this. but sometimes, these other unplanned obstacles are the ones that trip me up.
suck it up! i can do this. cardiac physiology, you're so gonna get owned on tuesday! i AM hardcore. i will succeed because failure is not an option.
*cheers*
i came to the horrible conclusion last night ... i surely dont hate the way i look nor do i hate who i am or who i've become ... i hate WHERE i am.
where i am, is miles from where i want to be. eons far from PT school, establishing myself in this world. as in one of my recent posts, i dont even have time to keep my room/apt clean, catch up with my friends, cook for myself, be the uber nerd i am at heart. i want to be able to handle it all, but it's all barreling out of control. i want to say that i aced my classes while working AND getting into PT school! yes, i am out to prove a point. but i guess i just want to ensure that my life has purpose. i feel that my purpose is to help heal. and i have chosen it through PT. sometimes im not sure if PT wants me though.
discourgagement, frustration, self-doubt hits. laughter helps. i think i get that from my grandpas ... they laughed a lot when they were alive. im dorky b/c of my mom.
i know i can do this. but sometimes, these other unplanned obstacles are the ones that trip me up.
suck it up! i can do this. cardiac physiology, you're so gonna get owned on tuesday! i AM hardcore. i will succeed because failure is not an option.
*cheers*
13 November 2007
Insomnimaniac
i havent slept for 2 days ... going on 3. interesting feeling. im tired, but i know that all-nighter feeling where i cant wait to slip into a deep sleep. yet, i peacefully rest for about an hour and then i wake up. such a frustrating feeling ... it's not quite grouchy but friends and loved ones beware! hah! :P
i didnt think that my grandmother's passing would affect me this way. after all, i had not seen her since i was like 8 ... or 10 even. i think the tragic part of it all was that i never knew her nor did i get to say goodbye. sometimes i think my dad's story would make such a great book. his stories about how family members immigrated over and how difficult it was during WWII or the veitnam war. i think that's why i love history ... i get that from my dad.
on a different note, shortly after my grandmother's passing, my family and i had a long overdue pow-wow about issues that have been looming for over a year now. probably one of the most difficult moments ive had to emotionally endure in a long time. it's funny how a death in the family can bring a family closer and ironic to see first hand how history could actually repeat itself if action isnt taken.
i think the effects of this wong-family-pow-wow has not worn off yet and attributing to my insomnia. yuck! i remember when i lied to or hurt my parents for some selfish reason or another .... my dad acted like his heart was broken. i didnt think that a family member could break your heart. but that rainy saturday afternoon in san francisco, i felt it crack. my heart yearned for him ... give him understanding, perspective, peace of mind, and acceptance. i am blessed to have endured all that i have gone through to be able to think this way (it was extremely hard at the time of course!). but insight is so crucial.
in the words of bens folds five, "she a brick and [he's] drowning slowly ... off the coast and [he's] going nowhere."
family. it's like your brain cells - you only get one set for life, cherish them. you love family no matter what. they are truly there when all the dust has settled. family is love in it's purest and yet communal form. happy families exist. but happy families also go through rough times. never disown your family for something so illusive! it does not - in no shape, way or form - take away from the love we have for each other.
i wonder if i'll be able to sleep through the night tonite....
i didnt think that my grandmother's passing would affect me this way. after all, i had not seen her since i was like 8 ... or 10 even. i think the tragic part of it all was that i never knew her nor did i get to say goodbye. sometimes i think my dad's story would make such a great book. his stories about how family members immigrated over and how difficult it was during WWII or the veitnam war. i think that's why i love history ... i get that from my dad.
on a different note, shortly after my grandmother's passing, my family and i had a long overdue pow-wow about issues that have been looming for over a year now. probably one of the most difficult moments ive had to emotionally endure in a long time. it's funny how a death in the family can bring a family closer and ironic to see first hand how history could actually repeat itself if action isnt taken.
i think the effects of this wong-family-pow-wow has not worn off yet and attributing to my insomnia. yuck! i remember when i lied to or hurt my parents for some selfish reason or another .... my dad acted like his heart was broken. i didnt think that a family member could break your heart. but that rainy saturday afternoon in san francisco, i felt it crack. my heart yearned for him ... give him understanding, perspective, peace of mind, and acceptance. i am blessed to have endured all that i have gone through to be able to think this way (it was extremely hard at the time of course!). but insight is so crucial.
in the words of bens folds five, "she a brick and [he's] drowning slowly ... off the coast and [he's] going nowhere."
family. it's like your brain cells - you only get one set for life, cherish them. you love family no matter what. they are truly there when all the dust has settled. family is love in it's purest and yet communal form. happy families exist. but happy families also go through rough times. never disown your family for something so illusive! it does not - in no shape, way or form - take away from the love we have for each other.
i wonder if i'll be able to sleep through the night tonite....
09 November 2007
It Won't Be Soon Before Long
Finally! caught Maroon 5 last nite @ the Staples center =)
great seats! RIGHT in the center, 1 section up from the floor. i think my favorite things about concerts these days are the light displays ... i'll post pics in a bit ... and the encores, there's always something really cool about the artist. like adam lavinge rifting like an og rockstar or him blaring away on the snare drums with his drummer. or even back when i saw john mayer, his acoustic version of "slow dancing in a burning room."
... it wont be soon before long ....
great seats! RIGHT in the center, 1 section up from the floor. i think my favorite things about concerts these days are the light displays ... i'll post pics in a bit ... and the encores, there's always something really cool about the artist. like adam lavinge rifting like an og rockstar or him blaring away on the snare drums with his drummer. or even back when i saw john mayer, his acoustic version of "slow dancing in a burning room."
... it wont be soon before long ....
- until another test, another application
- errands to do, bills to pay
- i get to share the holidays with my family
- seeing my most cherished friends
does anyone have a friend or family member that you dont really know, but feel obligated toward? {in respect to my family i have to keep the circumstances private}
i consider myself a compassionate person, easily putting others above her own needs. but this time, i only feel an obligation since part of my blood is from them. through no fault of my own. but i question if i am suppose to feel ... something ... besides empathy. realistically, there is no connection due to their choice that has rippled itself to me and my siblings. however, if i were in their position, family or not, i would hope they extend the same care for me. and so, i will do what i can - pray and hope for the best - leaving the rest up to God.
...it wont' be soon before long ....
that our time on earth is done too. the question is, did you live passionately ... full of love for family, life, others? did you make it worthwhile to validate your existence? someone asked me last year, "what is the meaning of life?" i answered, "to live and learn to every extend possible." my lovely med school pal, nikki, once told me when i was down, "it's not over until you're dead." until then, keep kicking, swimming or fighting!
ps - officially and gladly jumping off the wagon this weekend :) [happy birthday timbo, shorty and jtsuno]
06 November 2007
crave
i gave into my chocolate craving .... oh it was a good piece though: dove dark chocolate ~ YUM! but inside the wrapper was a thought of the day type deal. it said, "sing along with the elevator music," just as the song "bittersweet symphony" by the verve was playing. that inspired me to blog.
thanksgiving is just around the corner. it's coming. it doesnt seem like it, but 2 weeks away! i cant wait to see my family. it's weird how lately both my mom's side and dad's side have been more tightly knit lately than ever. call it, the asian lack of communication gene. but especially since my immediate family is so scattered it's imperative that we do so. come to think of it, even with my 2nd family (my girls!) we've been doing so for awhile now, but lately i've come to cherish our plans made because we rarely see each other now.
ahhh, growing up......
my life since september has been pure chaos. i would love a routine ... even just for a month. im trying to get my life in order since it's a daily juggling act and not fall behind. i feel like i have to get it all done it one day: work, homework, study, clean, cook, workout, prepare a portion of an application..... and it starts all over again each day. i think realistically, ive sacrificed the cooking or cleaning or working out or applications - but getting 3-4 things of the daily list done is still exhausting. i hope i dont get sick, esp since there's a bug in the air & the weather's changing finally.
last nite i had a dream and there was this symbol that appeared. im a believer that dreams mean something. this symbol is a person i knew, but not really too extensively. in any rate, i've come to the conclusion that everytime i start to get serious with someone and that person appears in a dream - it's gonna be a big relationship. the odd thing is, my symbol appeared 2x in the past month. that's rare. i wonder what that means.
cant wait to let loose this weekend in norcal *^_^*
thanksgiving is just around the corner. it's coming. it doesnt seem like it, but 2 weeks away! i cant wait to see my family. it's weird how lately both my mom's side and dad's side have been more tightly knit lately than ever. call it, the asian lack of communication gene. but especially since my immediate family is so scattered it's imperative that we do so. come to think of it, even with my 2nd family (my girls!) we've been doing so for awhile now, but lately i've come to cherish our plans made because we rarely see each other now.
ahhh, growing up......
my life since september has been pure chaos. i would love a routine ... even just for a month. im trying to get my life in order since it's a daily juggling act and not fall behind. i feel like i have to get it all done it one day: work, homework, study, clean, cook, workout, prepare a portion of an application..... and it starts all over again each day. i think realistically, ive sacrificed the cooking or cleaning or working out or applications - but getting 3-4 things of the daily list done is still exhausting. i hope i dont get sick, esp since there's a bug in the air & the weather's changing finally.
last nite i had a dream and there was this symbol that appeared. im a believer that dreams mean something. this symbol is a person i knew, but not really too extensively. in any rate, i've come to the conclusion that everytime i start to get serious with someone and that person appears in a dream - it's gonna be a big relationship. the odd thing is, my symbol appeared 2x in the past month. that's rare. i wonder what that means.
cant wait to let loose this weekend in norcal *^_^*
25 October 2007
Limbo... right?
usually i have some creative pity thematic blog, but it wont be one of those today. i apologize. i blame the self-induced emotional rollercoaster i put myself on and my lack of sleep.
i had all these thoughts running through my head at a million miles an hour that i couldnt find the source of it. it bugged me. i let it fester for another 14hrs or so .... but by 1:01am tuesday morning, i couldnt take it anymore. to my journal i went (because i was still lacking a computer). my journal is simple. my uncle gave it to me when i was a sophomore in high schoool as a christmas gift with a cute pen. it has a picture of a schnouzer (b/c i am the year of the dog) and is spiral bound. i write in it if i cant sleep ... like that night.
i like to puruse the last entry i wrote or randomly pick from something a million and a half years ago. but that nite, i just picked the last one. it was from june 20, 2007. coincidentally enough, i was still venting about the same things. it struck me because that seemed so long ago, and yet, a similar situation that kept me up feeling flustered and vulnerable. i realized that i needed to get real with myself. i decided i truly wanted to be happy and that i was gonna really put my all into the steps to get me there. i was chasing ideas and things that didnt seem 100% me, but it was almost flirting with having to feed my ego .... (but oh, those things woulda been so great!)
more importantly, i learned that i needed to be more genuine with people. i would love to get back to the mentality that i could talk to another without having to guess how they would react if i did/said something. having not to do something to get a reaction out of them and hoping it'd be enough to create sparks...... it's like stimulating a nerve cell to generate an action potential, but the cell hasnt become depolarized enough for the action potential actually be made - so nothing happens. (yes, that was my nerd moment that hit me studying on sunday).
so goodbye to the thought of potentials. i'll know the real deal when it gets here!
no more over thinking. more action. /-\+ (that's my cowbell ... more cowbell!)
i had all these thoughts running through my head at a million miles an hour that i couldnt find the source of it. it bugged me. i let it fester for another 14hrs or so .... but by 1:01am tuesday morning, i couldnt take it anymore. to my journal i went (because i was still lacking a computer). my journal is simple. my uncle gave it to me when i was a sophomore in high schoool as a christmas gift with a cute pen. it has a picture of a schnouzer (b/c i am the year of the dog) and is spiral bound. i write in it if i cant sleep ... like that night.
i like to puruse the last entry i wrote or randomly pick from something a million and a half years ago. but that nite, i just picked the last one. it was from june 20, 2007. coincidentally enough, i was still venting about the same things. it struck me because that seemed so long ago, and yet, a similar situation that kept me up feeling flustered and vulnerable. i realized that i needed to get real with myself. i decided i truly wanted to be happy and that i was gonna really put my all into the steps to get me there. i was chasing ideas and things that didnt seem 100% me, but it was almost flirting with having to feed my ego .... (but oh, those things woulda been so great!)
more importantly, i learned that i needed to be more genuine with people. i would love to get back to the mentality that i could talk to another without having to guess how they would react if i did/said something. having not to do something to get a reaction out of them and hoping it'd be enough to create sparks...... it's like stimulating a nerve cell to generate an action potential, but the cell hasnt become depolarized enough for the action potential actually be made - so nothing happens. (yes, that was my nerd moment that hit me studying on sunday).
so goodbye to the thought of potentials. i'll know the real deal when it gets here!
no more over thinking. more action. /-\+ (that's my cowbell ... more cowbell!)
15 October 2007
Endurance
1/2 marathon: 13.1 miles = DONE =) official finish time: 2hrs, 17 min, 45 sec. (-4 min for resting)
after about 6 weeks of "official" training, all mileage and sweat and nites of worrying i'd be able to squeeze a run into my day paid off. miles 1-3 were a slight blur: filled with looking for my bff luan whom i missed becuase of timing coordination mishaps (due to masses of people looking to park in downtown long beach), snaking through the walkers, and finding a good pace to stay at. miles 3-6 felt good, i was warmed up, picked up my pace a bit, and was enjoying the dock-side scenery. miles 6-9 were fairly grueling probably because thousands of people were squished into the bike path along the beach. it was beautiful, but like i said squishy. hehe. by mile 9, i was extatic, only 4 miles left .... mile 10, Gu-refueling station, mile 11-12: my legs were feeling tired and a bit numb. i must say, mile 12-13.1 ............ longest ever!
but i did it. i felt so accomplished. physically, my legs havent been this sore in a long while. mentally, i feel really proud of myself and my friends who finished it as well. growing up, i hated endurance sports .... when i was on the swim team in middle school, i was a sprinter. prior to starting my annual mud runs, i had never run more than 3 miles in my life. maybe biking doesnt quite apply to me, but for all intense purposes, i always hated the first 8-10 miles of the ride my parents/family would drag me on.
in any rate, this weekend was actually really inspirational for me. on friday, i learned something new: how to hit a taiko drum. yay ucla yukai taiko! it was really refreshing to meet new people, even though i was literally the oldest one there. they were all filled with such passion for taiko and for each other that their energy radiated to everyone around - including me.
on saturday, i officially have given up every saturday for the next 6 months to Team in Training. biking 100 miles in march! as i listened to an honored member speak of everything that he went through. he endured. after beating hodgkin's disease and leukemia, then a shoulder replacement, a hip replacement, and then a heart replacement (all secondary to chemotherapy), he did a triathalon with team in training in 2006. he said that he never ever wanted to forget that feeling of crossing the finish-line ever again (which is why he's doing it again).
his story made me think, when you are at your lowest of lows ... like facing death ... it's accomplishing the impossible that makes life entirely worth enduring every single hardship. training ... life experiences .... they are all lessions/hardships/etc you learn from and take with you for the real test - whether it be something as big as cancer or a race event or test ... there is nothing like that feeling of accomplishment. the moment you stop feeling, you are dead.
flashing back to mile 12 yesterday morning, it made me realize the interplay of life/endurance/accomplishment. i felt so much anticipation to finish ... it was a nearly indescribeable feeling. It really makes me feel like i can accomplish anything again. Yes, it will be hard, but i must endure. and endure i will .... and success to me now is like my mile 12 of 13.1.
feeling ... i never want to stop feeling.
after about 6 weeks of "official" training, all mileage and sweat and nites of worrying i'd be able to squeeze a run into my day paid off. miles 1-3 were a slight blur: filled with looking for my bff luan whom i missed becuase of timing coordination mishaps (due to masses of people looking to park in downtown long beach), snaking through the walkers, and finding a good pace to stay at. miles 3-6 felt good, i was warmed up, picked up my pace a bit, and was enjoying the dock-side scenery. miles 6-9 were fairly grueling probably because thousands of people were squished into the bike path along the beach. it was beautiful, but like i said squishy. hehe. by mile 9, i was extatic, only 4 miles left .... mile 10, Gu-refueling station, mile 11-12: my legs were feeling tired and a bit numb. i must say, mile 12-13.1 ............ longest ever!
but i did it. i felt so accomplished. physically, my legs havent been this sore in a long while. mentally, i feel really proud of myself and my friends who finished it as well. growing up, i hated endurance sports .... when i was on the swim team in middle school, i was a sprinter. prior to starting my annual mud runs, i had never run more than 3 miles in my life. maybe biking doesnt quite apply to me, but for all intense purposes, i always hated the first 8-10 miles of the ride my parents/family would drag me on.
in any rate, this weekend was actually really inspirational for me. on friday, i learned something new: how to hit a taiko drum. yay ucla yukai taiko! it was really refreshing to meet new people, even though i was literally the oldest one there. they were all filled with such passion for taiko and for each other that their energy radiated to everyone around - including me.
on saturday, i officially have given up every saturday for the next 6 months to Team in Training. biking 100 miles in march! as i listened to an honored member speak of everything that he went through. he endured. after beating hodgkin's disease and leukemia, then a shoulder replacement, a hip replacement, and then a heart replacement (all secondary to chemotherapy), he did a triathalon with team in training in 2006. he said that he never ever wanted to forget that feeling of crossing the finish-line ever again (which is why he's doing it again).
his story made me think, when you are at your lowest of lows ... like facing death ... it's accomplishing the impossible that makes life entirely worth enduring every single hardship. training ... life experiences .... they are all lessions/hardships/etc you learn from and take with you for the real test - whether it be something as big as cancer or a race event or test ... there is nothing like that feeling of accomplishment. the moment you stop feeling, you are dead.
flashing back to mile 12 yesterday morning, it made me realize the interplay of life/endurance/accomplishment. i felt so much anticipation to finish ... it was a nearly indescribeable feeling. It really makes me feel like i can accomplish anything again. Yes, it will be hard, but i must endure. and endure i will .... and success to me now is like my mile 12 of 13.1.
feeling ... i never want to stop feeling.
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