It's beginning to look alot like Christmas

...everywhere you go....

i love that song. i was on my bike today where i started to sing to myself "this christmas" & later on proceeded to put in my 98-degrees christmas cd in (hey, they do a really great job w/the accapellas!) i think one of the reasons why people attenuate christmas on being special is because of the joy, wonderment and magic that occurs during the holiday season.

christmas is always filled with tradition and wanting to be close to those you love. i think i've had pretty lonely christmas pasts over the past few years. that sucks. i'd love nothing more than to have someone special to trudge to the mall or look online for ... to see the joy i brought for them for christmas.

one of these days, someone will do that for me. dear santa, please bring me someone like that.

on a different note, i like to joke around with my friends when things in my romantic life go awry that it's similar to carrie from 'sex and the city' or meredith from 'grey's anatomy.' today, i feel like carrie, an episode where she's yelling at mr. big: everytime we become something, i get burned. everytime .... i get hurt.

songs to fit my mood:

1. "the trouble with love is" - kelly clarkson
2. "breathe in breathe out" - mat kearney
3. "wonderful world" - james morrison
   
4. "i'll be home for christmas" - [insert your favorite artist here]

Level Up

remember a rousing game of 'super mario brothers'? as for me, my parents never let me and my brothers have one. i guess thinking back, we weren't home THAT often and we had a computer. anyways, well with any video game, our protagonist is in search of something (e.g. a prize, princess, secret magical land, etc) and he/she has to fight many battles, use their problem solving skills, and test themselves physically (as 2-d can possibly present).

this reminds me of life. a person has a dream and struggles like crazy in all aspects to attain it.

this week has been so emotionally difficult for me. i had faced a part of my past i have gladly moved on from, but at the same time grounded b/c i feel like i haven't traveled as far as i thought. these two individuals were both at one time in my life extremely close to me. for some worldly reason, relationships with each of these individuals did not work out. however, in my most reason conversations with them, both have attacked my character. i felt insulted, and i feel misrepresented.

in the past 2 years, i know i have matured emotionally. after overcoming everything from grad-school rejections, lost lovers, to family quarrels .... i am so much more self-assured in my own abilities. and i try my best for understanding from all sides of the story. in short, i have a descent account for my emotions.

i do have a sensitive side .... others have called it 'vulnerability.' however, it's never stopped me from eventually succeeding. i have fought my own battles, never asking anyone to fight them for me. i reach out to people when there is doubt, when i lose some of that self-assurance. no person is an island and cannot forge into battles on their own. a true friend in my eyes is one who will stand side-by-side next to me ready to fight with me and not for me.

to truly know and love a person, you love the good with the bad; you enjoy the good and understand the bad. to know me, is to know all sides of me. i may smile a lot and seem happy all the time ... and 90% of the time, that's true. but hey, im human - that's why i have great friends to listen & this blogger account.

i fight for a better version of me. advancing to the next level soon!

Once upon a time ...

... i fell in love at first sight. it was that breath-taking/surprise at every corner/head over heel/i thought he was the one for me kind of love.

... once upon a time i could trust my heart completely.

but the fairy tale didnt come true. he gave into his fears and as did i. he hurt me, i hurt him. no matter what, the warmth of those times will keep my heart warm.

... and when the dust cleared and settled this is what i saw: he is exactly the same person as he used to be. i know i wronged him. he said he's forgiven me, but it sure doesn't feel like it.

i am a better person now. he cannot take that away from me. i brought myself back from darkness. i have come so far from where i was, and i have so much more to go! i am strong now - no fair trying to drag me back to where you are.

...once upon a time was then .... and this is now damn it.

Thanks Ali :)

she sent this to me via AIM one nite:

"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbled or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena; whose face is marred by dust and sweat and blood; who strives valiantly; who errs, and comes short again and again, because there is no effort without error and shortcoming; who does actually try to do the deed; who knows the great enthusiasm, the great devotion and spends himself in a worthy cause; who, at worst, if he fails, at least fails while daring greatly.

Far better is it to dare mighty things, to win glorious triumphs even though checkered by failure, than to rank with those poor spirits who neither enjoy nor suffer much because they live in the gray twilight that knows neither victory nor defeat." ~Theodore Roosevelt

the resilency-gene

there she lay, her body not her own. she wore a light brown mandarin collared dress with dark brown buttons. she had no hair (a side effect from the intense chemotherapy treatments). her eyes closed, hands crossed below her abdomen. a blanket of red roses lay over her casket (a gift from my auntie). we all said our goodbyes to a mother, mother-in-law, and grandma.

her name was so-ping "sophie" wong. i know she was a resilent woman, a trait so promenently expressed through my father ... a trait i proudly possess. she wanted to be a nurse, but met my grandfather and then had my dad. my grandfather died in 1964. she was a strong woman: she immigrated to america, raised 2 other children, and became a beautician all on her own. she was a modest woman who lived for her family and faith.

2 of my cousins spoke at her funeral. for a short period i was jealous. they knew her. she did their hair growing up and getting ready for dances and formals ... she talked to them about their lives and cared for them afterschool like any other grandparent would ... she made them her chicken specialty to take with them to school. my brothers and i, werent so lucky.

despite my complicated family geneology, i am proud to say that even though i didnt know her, i am a product of her values. perphaps there is some wong-family gene for resilency, for it's fueled my life and helped me succeed thus far. speaking of genes, my dad looks a lot like her.

Mirror Mirror in the wall ...

who do i see? do i look different from when i was a child? i sure do feel different.

i came to the horrible conclusion last night ... i surely dont hate the way i look nor do i hate who i am or who i've become ... i hate WHERE i am.

where i am, is miles from where i want to be. eons far from PT school, establishing myself in this world. as in one of my recent posts, i dont even have time to keep my room/apt clean, catch up with my friends, cook for myself, be the uber nerd i am at heart. i want to be able to handle it all, but it's all barreling out of control. i want to say that i aced my classes while working AND getting into PT school! yes, i am out to prove a point. but i guess i just want to ensure that my life has purpose. i feel that my purpose is to help heal. and i have chosen it through PT. sometimes im not sure if PT wants me though.

discourgagement, frustration, self-doubt hits. laughter helps. i think i get that from my grandpas ... they laughed a lot when they were alive. im dorky b/c of my mom.

i know i can do this. but sometimes, these other unplanned obstacles are the ones that trip me up.

suck it up! i can do this. cardiac physiology, you're so gonna get owned on tuesday! i AM hardcore. i will succeed because failure is not an option.

*cheers*

Insomnimaniac

i havent slept for 2 days ... going on 3. interesting feeling. im tired, but i know that all-nighter feeling where i cant wait to slip into a deep sleep. yet, i peacefully rest for about an hour and then i wake up. such a frustrating feeling ... it's not quite grouchy but friends and loved ones beware! hah! :P

i didnt think that my grandmother's passing would affect me this way. after all, i had not seen her since i was like 8 ... or 10 even. i think the tragic part of it all was that i never knew her nor did i get to say goodbye. sometimes i think my dad's story would make such a great book. his stories about how family members immigrated over and how difficult it was during WWII or the veitnam war. i think that's why i love history ... i get that from my dad.

on a different note, shortly after my grandmother's passing, my family and i had a long overdue pow-wow about issues that have been looming for over a year now. probably one of the most difficult moments ive had to emotionally endure in a long time. it's funny how a death in the family can bring a family closer and ironic to see first hand how history could actually repeat itself if action isnt taken.

i think the effects of this wong-family-pow-wow has not worn off yet and attributing to my insomnia. yuck! i remember when i lied to or hurt my parents for some selfish reason or another .... my dad acted like his heart was broken. i didnt think that a family member could break your heart. but that rainy saturday afternoon in san francisco, i felt it crack. my heart yearned for him ... give him understanding, perspective, peace of mind, and acceptance. i am blessed to have endured all that i have gone through to be able to think this way (it was extremely hard at the time of course!). but insight is so crucial.
in the words of bens folds five, "she a brick and [he's] drowning slowly ... off the coast and [he's] going nowhere."

family. it's like your brain cells - you only get one set for life, cherish them. you love family no matter what. they are truly there when all the dust has settled. family is love in it's purest and yet communal form. happy families exist. but happy families also go through rough times. never disown your family for something so illusive! it does not - in no shape, way or form - take away from the love we have for each other.

i wonder if i'll be able to sleep through the night tonite....