Reality bites

reality rushing over me like a brisk cold wave of emotion ... i can feel the hurt setting in as it decides to postulate at the bottom of my stomach. it was only a matter of time before the hurt came to overtake me. it's amazing what people will do to numb the pain- to distract, avoid, prolong the inevitable ... hoping to somehow skip to the part where it all feels better.

it just doesn't make sense anymore.

Something to meditate on

Love is just love.

all over the map with a destination

i know i say this often, especially when times feel like their darkest ... or at least some variant of this but here goes:
hope. in hope there is faith. in faith there is the true essence of love.

today i realized i've gone from feeling fantastic! to ... just fine.

it's actually shocking how easily you can live for someone instead of with someone. i lived the past 9 months for someone in order to follow a dream. but as i am slowly dissecting now, i see that we were chasing different dreams. him, taking a leap in career; me, taking a leap of love. somehow, this fantasy of ours became muddled in time changes and call times and new changes each to their own. distance = doomed? i guess we both had to find out for ourselves.

some of my closest friends comment of how much i've grown emotionally and how much of "a champ" i am for taking things the way that i am. i am sad ... of course i will miss him, but most of all, i will miss how we love each other. our love was the kind that was unique ... it was everything i had inside. i view this most recent break up as: ohhh ... so close // like losing a close game- good effort, but just wasn't enough today kiddo (story of my freaking life!)

in any rate, let the influx of post-breakup cliques flow through (none of which will help me feel better at this hour) ... but in all seriousness, i really wonder what these next few months will bring. i hope especially for internal peace and for me to rediscover what makes ME happy again. further down the road- i think it's safe to say that i need someone both emotionally AND physically available.

here's a quick little fantasy about the life that i want: laughter outside on a warm evening, stars, a firepit to light the night out on a beautiful deck, wine flowing, wonderful company, smiling. my life's goal now is to have both love & happiness to share ... to cherish ... to grow & flourish. oh, and let's not forget my completing-a-full-Ironman-triathlon-before-I-am-thirty thing ... :P

bursting at the seems

what's inspirational is seeing just absolute love pour out of someone. once it breaks open- it's joyous, beautiful, and amazing.

so i will not take offense when someone sees my heart on my shoulder, for at least i am filled with heart and emotion.

one can never hide the love in their heart.

down with love!

i don't know why i keep subjecting myself to it. it's almost masocistic. now begins the painful morning process of all the love i possed for him. why him? it's either there or it isn't. i don't question it. i'm heartbroken that it cannot continue on in the same way. the truth of our relationship saddens me.

i'm scared. i feel like i've landed and i don't know where i am. what will happen 3 months from now? will the end result be closer together or further away? i don't understand selfishness. saying goodbye just seems so paradoxal in this situation. i feel that i've gained maturity, but now lost so much emotionally.

i feel a great loss.

what will fulfill me next?

univision

find a vision that keeps your heart warm.

the facade

hate this place- physically, mentally, emotionally. change is typically reflected in a positive light. and yet, no one - including myself - really ever fully realizes the reality of it all. in my case, i think i found the other side of change's coin: the bottom side. i think it's mainly the fact that this is not MY place and I do not feel comfortable at all. all my recent change was the result of others' decisions.

i hate the noise the factory across the street makes. i hate the random car booming it's bass or rev-ing its engine. i hate seeing the cars behind me glare as i slow down to turn into my own parking garage. i hate having to wear ear plugs to sleep. i hate feeling that i always have to clean up after myself. i hate thinking a roommate is pissed at me because they are moody. i hate my crazy boss who can't get her head out of the 90's. i hate that she stirs the pot and claims she is not one. i hate that i work so hard and cannot earn enough to enjoy my life outside of work. i hate feeling left behind. i hate not being able to travel to see my loved ones. i hate that my car is unreliable. i hate waiting for the unknown. i hate knowing that i am not a true priority right now.

this is the past 2 months of me. how did this happen? i found balance. i found me and strived to live through love ... and now i hate. i know all those things above is what i don't want, and therefore, hate. such the thinnest line between the two ... for too long have i been struggling! 4 months of emotional, physical, mental turmoil churning from my heart to my head- resulting in pure, utter disappointment and self-pity.

goodness gracious, i don't want to be here anymore!