I can only describe this week as treading water ... as hard as i possibily can, to keep from drowning. I like to call it: school-blues. I quickly flash back into my undergraduate and high school days where everything seemed to be poking at me in all directions, demanding my full attention. the past month, i have been taking it from all sides: work, school, home, physically, emotionally.
but today, i feel defeated. i have relied on things that are completely and utterly failing me at this point, and the only way to is to fix it but i can't afford it (e.g. my dear old brenda and computer). but i think the phone call from my dad today was the last straw.
i admit it, i am a twenty five year old woman that is still not financially independent. not because i choose to be, but because i am off chasing my dream. i was glad that my parents had decided to support me, but that was 2 years ago. and now, 2 years later, i feel as though their expectations aren't emotionally worth the my efforts. i can imagine my parents belaying the fact that i am not yet successful - or not even on track to be successful - at their dinner parties/social events/meeting new friends. i feel cursed the day that wretched email went out from you-know-who.
it was scary actually thinking about giving up my dream to make my parents happy (= finanically independent). all of this made me think: what is this all really worth? what have i accomplished in the past 3 years except falling flat on my face time and time again.
i hoping this is the kick in the butt that i need to get me into gear ... if only i had the time. so i have to make time ... (and hopefully not get sick) =(
Here's something i found post-writing this blog: by Kristina Grish (one of my new fav bloggers @ women's health mag)
Take the Wrong Path
I break such a sweat shaping my future according to expectations that when I'm thrown a curve, I see it as a personal affront and major energy-suck. Gena simply adapts. She isn't afraid to make mistakes or quit with no strings attached. I recently struggled for months over whether to break a contract because I no longer believed in the project. Gena advised: "Walk away. It's not you anymore." Of course, she was right. In her world, mistakes lead to more fuck-ups. (PS: That's not a bad thing.)
http://www.womenshealthmag.com/article/0,6176,s1-21-80-1881-1,00.html
11 October 2007
01 October 2007
Make Me Earn It
I like to keep some inspirational tidbids here b/c my memory fades, and i know when i look back i can look at this again and fill myself with a large cup of hope.
"Brick walls are there for a reason. They let us prove how badly we want things." -Randy Pausch (Carnegie Mellon University computer-science professor)
http://online.wsj.com/article/SB119024238402033039.html?mod=Moving+On
thanks do, it's awesome to get thru the mornings via gchat!
"Brick walls are there for a reason. They let us prove how badly we want things." -Randy Pausch (Carnegie Mellon University computer-science professor)
http://online.wsj.com/article/SB119024238402033039.html?mod=Moving+On
thanks do, it's awesome to get thru the mornings via gchat!
27 September 2007
Fall Back & Spring Foward
call me a sentimentalist .... and i say this every year, but i love fall. it brings back the excitement of the 1st day of school / monday night football / the weather turning a bit cooler / sweater sales / backpacks filled with pens and notebooks / and most fondly: volleyball. :)
it rained last friday/saturday here in LA. saturday poured like cats and dogs out. seeing falling rain is romance in physical form. it's cold and comforting, drenching and bittersweet, sad and calming all at the same time. it makes you want to be cozy with hot chocolate, soft sweats and someone. on such rare southern californian occassions, i love to play "4 seasons of loneliness" not b/c im lonely (for the most part) but it just fits - like hot tomato soup and a grilled cheese sandwich. hahaha.
i would say my last post was quite sentimental, just because this time of year was quite different from where i am now. i like it now. i dont think i would be myself if i had stayed back there. in anyrate, time to spring foward admist fall (when you're suppose to fall back).
my most recent woes have been feeling very disconnected with the world, rather, my world. last week, myspace was officially filtered out of work-internet usage ... and sadly, gchat AND facebook fell victim to it today. in my craziness that i call school and work = life, i rarely have time to just chat anymore with close friends or continue my networking with old/newer friends on myspace. i was content as using it as my passive aggressive medium for keeping in touch since i never had time outside of work to do keep up with ALL of them. but now with running around for school and a computer virus at home ... i feel so .... cut off.
in my speech class, one student couldnt decided on her topic to make our first speech about, so she made a survey to help her choose between 2 topics. 1 of them was about internet communication. it sparked a small debate in class where my professor stated that she preferred to see the person b/c u miss out on so much. prior to that comment, i was completely for all for the gchat/aim/myspace/facebook/texting/emailing/cell phone calls .... why? because my family - this includes my biological family as well as 'the ohana' (the girls + a several priveleged few) - are so far away. and as of this year, it seems as though everyone just keeps going further away one-by-one. :( it really does make me sad and thankful at the same time. sad, for those who arent here or get to spend time doing random things like laundry or miso salmon/spaghetti nights with. but thankful for those who are still here. :)
as i begin my official 7th year in Los Angeles, California, i have yet to figure it out completely. "you know, that's the funny thing about life ... how it just jumps up and surprises you." - steve martin in 'father of the bride.' yes, the air quality/parking/traffic/hollywood-type snobby egocentric people really get on my nerves. however, i think ive made a fairly descent home for myself with a great network. i must remind myself though, that life is in a constant state of change where it's almost damn near impossible for things to ever stay the same. as i see myself for the next few months, that it's time to branch out. for example, going back to smc - i come into contact with new classmates or starting team-in-training for that century bike ride = new people. amist my crazy schedule, i somehow have to keep my eye on the prize.
(however, i think my norcal friends would love to hear that in the event i dont make it into PT school again, i'd seriously consider a move up north to get my bearings again.)
BUT that's not gonna happen!!! (sorry kids, i miss and love u much :P)
it rained last friday/saturday here in LA. saturday poured like cats and dogs out. seeing falling rain is romance in physical form. it's cold and comforting, drenching and bittersweet, sad and calming all at the same time. it makes you want to be cozy with hot chocolate, soft sweats and someone. on such rare southern californian occassions, i love to play "4 seasons of loneliness" not b/c im lonely (for the most part) but it just fits - like hot tomato soup and a grilled cheese sandwich. hahaha.
i would say my last post was quite sentimental, just because this time of year was quite different from where i am now. i like it now. i dont think i would be myself if i had stayed back there. in anyrate, time to spring foward admist fall (when you're suppose to fall back).
my most recent woes have been feeling very disconnected with the world, rather, my world. last week, myspace was officially filtered out of work-internet usage ... and sadly, gchat AND facebook fell victim to it today. in my craziness that i call school and work = life, i rarely have time to just chat anymore with close friends or continue my networking with old/newer friends on myspace. i was content as using it as my passive aggressive medium for keeping in touch since i never had time outside of work to do keep up with ALL of them. but now with running around for school and a computer virus at home ... i feel so .... cut off.
in my speech class, one student couldnt decided on her topic to make our first speech about, so she made a survey to help her choose between 2 topics. 1 of them was about internet communication. it sparked a small debate in class where my professor stated that she preferred to see the person b/c u miss out on so much. prior to that comment, i was completely for all for the gchat/aim/myspace/facebook/texting/emailing/cell phone calls .... why? because my family - this includes my biological family as well as 'the ohana' (the girls + a several priveleged few) - are so far away. and as of this year, it seems as though everyone just keeps going further away one-by-one. :( it really does make me sad and thankful at the same time. sad, for those who arent here or get to spend time doing random things like laundry or miso salmon/spaghetti nights with. but thankful for those who are still here. :)
as i begin my official 7th year in Los Angeles, California, i have yet to figure it out completely. "you know, that's the funny thing about life ... how it just jumps up and surprises you." - steve martin in 'father of the bride.' yes, the air quality/parking/traffic/hollywood-type snobby egocentric people really get on my nerves. however, i think ive made a fairly descent home for myself with a great network. i must remind myself though, that life is in a constant state of change where it's almost damn near impossible for things to ever stay the same. as i see myself for the next few months, that it's time to branch out. for example, going back to smc - i come into contact with new classmates or starting team-in-training for that century bike ride = new people. amist my crazy schedule, i somehow have to keep my eye on the prize.
(however, i think my norcal friends would love to hear that in the event i dont make it into PT school again, i'd seriously consider a move up north to get my bearings again.)
BUT that's not gonna happen!!! (sorry kids, i miss and love u much :P)
14 September 2007
All Good Things
this just so happens to be the same title for 2 different artists' songs for the same topic: a lost love.
the first, Nelly Furtado - her song is meloncholy and very reflective with an extremely catchy beat (i think i chalk that up to the acoustic guitar strumming in the background). the song is deep, with lyrics such as, "flames to dust, dust to wind / why do all good things come to an end?" so many layers ... this probably why i love lyrics so much. they're so exquistely worded.
the second is Mandy Moore. as an artist/actress, she's extremely loveable with such an inviting personality. her song provides me this sort of comfort about a certain heart break that continues to fester. her song describes her frustration about being too forgiving toward her ex-love and continues to always thing of him in a good light ... she's stuck on thinking only good things about him. i just came across this song this week, so my final conclusions are yet to come. but it feels great to have a song describe what you've been feeling about it.
my awesome roomie told me the other day, "you know, you don't have to forgive him." i know i dont, but i'd rather forgive ... then i can forget. hah. in any rate, another in sampling mandy moore's album, another song helped me realize that i've been so stuck on this whole situation because i felt so much in such a short period of time that all amounted to .... nothing. i've wanted to be angry, bitter, hateful - but i knew better. i thought it would all pass after a certain amount of time. so i tucked it all away. gosh, it's been such a journey to understand that situation. i've never been content with the idea that there wasn't an explanation as to why things didnt work out. so i am giving it the attention it deserves ... the nothing that it is and the nothing that he is.
as for now, that's such a validating idea! why didnt i think of that before?
and as for these songs ... it's really easy to look back and focus on the good things b/c no one really wants to thing badly of another (at least for me). in any rate, i like where i am now. i recently heard that the most successful people never look back ... especially on mistakes made - they shift forward, only to achieve. so here i go, looking toward the future only :)
the first, Nelly Furtado - her song is meloncholy and very reflective with an extremely catchy beat (i think i chalk that up to the acoustic guitar strumming in the background). the song is deep, with lyrics such as, "flames to dust, dust to wind / why do all good things come to an end?" so many layers ... this probably why i love lyrics so much. they're so exquistely worded.
the second is Mandy Moore. as an artist/actress, she's extremely loveable with such an inviting personality. her song provides me this sort of comfort about a certain heart break that continues to fester. her song describes her frustration about being too forgiving toward her ex-love and continues to always thing of him in a good light ... she's stuck on thinking only good things about him. i just came across this song this week, so my final conclusions are yet to come. but it feels great to have a song describe what you've been feeling about it.
my awesome roomie told me the other day, "you know, you don't have to forgive him." i know i dont, but i'd rather forgive ... then i can forget. hah. in any rate, another in sampling mandy moore's album, another song helped me realize that i've been so stuck on this whole situation because i felt so much in such a short period of time that all amounted to .... nothing. i've wanted to be angry, bitter, hateful - but i knew better. i thought it would all pass after a certain amount of time. so i tucked it all away. gosh, it's been such a journey to understand that situation. i've never been content with the idea that there wasn't an explanation as to why things didnt work out. so i am giving it the attention it deserves ... the nothing that it is and the nothing that he is.
as for now, that's such a validating idea! why didnt i think of that before?
and as for these songs ... it's really easy to look back and focus on the good things b/c no one really wants to thing badly of another (at least for me). in any rate, i like where i am now. i recently heard that the most successful people never look back ... especially on mistakes made - they shift forward, only to achieve. so here i go, looking toward the future only :)
Back to Basics
Top of the mornin' to ya!
Yes, I've been rather busy this past month. It's sad to realize that waking up past 630am is now a luxury on the weekdays. I've started taking classes again and still working a majority of my hours at work - so it doesn't leave me much time for a lot of things. I'm taking public speaking and a human physiology class. If you know me personally, you must be questioning as to why I'm taking public speaking ... yes, im friendly and approachable ... but when it comes to speaking in front of a group of people all focusing their attention on you, it's SCARY! hopefully i can over come that.
In any rate, human physiology ... sounds dry right? well, that's what i studied at ucla for 4 years. it's good to dust off that rust and to think scientifically again. the only thing is ... i can't decide if i like my professor or not. i believe it's mainly her demenor ... i'm not sure if it's arrogance or if im tired of hearing her b.s. stories of what she's accomplished. but i'll give her this: she KNOWS her $%^&! i like the way that she's been approaching all-to-much-covered-topics that remain the basis of our biological knowledge.
i guess the best way to describe this intrigue is to say that i have always loved complex things ... the more difficult something was, the more i wanted to learn and understand. however, characteristically, i would only graze over the basic concepts. to my detriment, this "habit" of mine plagued my college career. it hit me the other day: no, i dont truly know what i thought i did. (then again, i feel like i've run into that thought at least 3 times this past year alone. hah.) i think i finally understand how important a good foundation is ... like in basketball, when all hell breaks loose and ur having a really crappy game, i go back to what i know: defense/rebounding (or even volleyball: passing passing passing!) ... and then work from there. going back to the basics is key. i hope this new revelation inspires me to kick ass and really get my $%^& down so i'll one day be great in P.T. school.
Yes, I've been rather busy this past month. It's sad to realize that waking up past 630am is now a luxury on the weekdays. I've started taking classes again and still working a majority of my hours at work - so it doesn't leave me much time for a lot of things. I'm taking public speaking and a human physiology class. If you know me personally, you must be questioning as to why I'm taking public speaking ... yes, im friendly and approachable ... but when it comes to speaking in front of a group of people all focusing their attention on you, it's SCARY! hopefully i can over come that.
In any rate, human physiology ... sounds dry right? well, that's what i studied at ucla for 4 years. it's good to dust off that rust and to think scientifically again. the only thing is ... i can't decide if i like my professor or not. i believe it's mainly her demenor ... i'm not sure if it's arrogance or if im tired of hearing her b.s. stories of what she's accomplished. but i'll give her this: she KNOWS her $%^&! i like the way that she's been approaching all-to-much-covered-topics that remain the basis of our biological knowledge.
i guess the best way to describe this intrigue is to say that i have always loved complex things ... the more difficult something was, the more i wanted to learn and understand. however, characteristically, i would only graze over the basic concepts. to my detriment, this "habit" of mine plagued my college career. it hit me the other day: no, i dont truly know what i thought i did. (then again, i feel like i've run into that thought at least 3 times this past year alone. hah.) i think i finally understand how important a good foundation is ... like in basketball, when all hell breaks loose and ur having a really crappy game, i go back to what i know: defense/rebounding (or even volleyball: passing passing passing!) ... and then work from there. going back to the basics is key. i hope this new revelation inspires me to kick ass and really get my $%^& down so i'll one day be great in P.T. school.
17 August 2007
"the way i see it #222"
fearlessness is not the absence of fear. it's the mastery of fear. it's about getting up one more time than we fall down.
-Arianna Huffington
author of On Becoming Fearless ... in Love, Work, and Life
-Arianna Huffington
author of On Becoming Fearless ... in Love, Work, and Life
13 August 2007
I hate Goodbyes ...
i witnessed one of the saddest things in my entire lifetime a few nights ago: a dear friend of mine's father passed away of multiple myeloma. i watched as close family members surrounded their beloved father had to slowly let go as his life tappered off. the hardest part was facing the reality of it all ... even as he was clearly faded, i still held on, hoping for some miracle to happen. but in the back of my mind, i knew the inevitable must occur ... it was his time.
one of life's greatest lessons is to appreciate and love everyone and thing in your life NOW. it's true, "you don't know what you've got until it's gone." why did it take this news to call my parents just out-of-the-blue? why does my friend's mom realize that more impromptu family gatherings happened while my friend's dad was fighting cancer than before when it was just holidays? maybe b/c we get so caught up in life that we forget to stop and realize the world around us. there's no hard and fast rule about when or how, but i believe the universe or God send you signs .... and i quote ferris buller, "life happens fast, if you don't stop and take a look around once in awhile, you could miss it."
i took the next past few days to offer support to the family. watching them plan a funeral is something i didn't plan on thinking about for at least 20-30 years from now. alas, i'm seeing preparations are much like a wedding: venue, minister, music, flowers, keeping family members occupied/satisfied, reception (sans the wake, black attire, casket, mourtuary, and recently deceased). it's so hard to think of a family loosing it's prime members. if it were me, i'd be a mess.
in any rate, i started wondering ... what would people remember about me? well not just specifically me ... but i ask you: how would you like to leave your mark in this world? i pretty much guarantee someone will say something about my cheezy smile. i hope my friends and family know how much they mean to me ... but also i hope i leave this world with as much grace, gentleness, and love as my friend's dad did.
soundtrack of this post was brought to you by:
one of life's greatest lessons is to appreciate and love everyone and thing in your life NOW. it's true, "you don't know what you've got until it's gone." why did it take this news to call my parents just out-of-the-blue? why does my friend's mom realize that more impromptu family gatherings happened while my friend's dad was fighting cancer than before when it was just holidays? maybe b/c we get so caught up in life that we forget to stop and realize the world around us. there's no hard and fast rule about when or how, but i believe the universe or God send you signs .... and i quote ferris buller, "life happens fast, if you don't stop and take a look around once in awhile, you could miss it."
i took the next past few days to offer support to the family. watching them plan a funeral is something i didn't plan on thinking about for at least 20-30 years from now. alas, i'm seeing preparations are much like a wedding: venue, minister, music, flowers, keeping family members occupied/satisfied, reception (sans the wake, black attire, casket, mourtuary, and recently deceased). it's so hard to think of a family loosing it's prime members. if it were me, i'd be a mess.
in any rate, i started wondering ... what would people remember about me? well not just specifically me ... but i ask you: how would you like to leave your mark in this world? i pretty much guarantee someone will say something about my cheezy smile. i hope my friends and family know how much they mean to me ... but also i hope i leave this world with as much grace, gentleness, and love as my friend's dad did.
soundtrack of this post was brought to you by:
- "dreaming with a broken heart" - john mayer
- "the power of goodbye" - madonna
- "i'll be missing you" - p diddy feat. faith evans
- "what a wonderful world" - isreal kamakawiwo'e
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