It Won't Be Soon Before Long

Finally! caught Maroon 5 last nite @ the Staples center =)
great seats! RIGHT in the center, 1 section up from the floor. i think my favorite things about concerts these days are the light displays ... i'll post pics in a bit ... and the encores, there's always something really cool about the artist. like adam lavinge rifting like an og rockstar or him blaring away on the snare drums with his drummer. or even back when i saw john mayer, his acoustic version of "slow dancing in a burning room."

... it wont be soon before long ....

• until another test, another application
• errands to do, bills to pay
• i get to share the holidays with my family
• seeing my most cherished friends

does anyone have a friend or family member that you dont really know, but feel obligated toward? {in respect to my family i have to keep the circumstances private}

i consider myself a compassionate person, easily putting others above her own needs. but this time, i only feel an obligation since part of my blood is from them. through no fault of my own. but i question if i am suppose to feel ... something ... besides empathy. realistically, there is no connection due to their choice that has rippled itself to me and my siblings. however, if i were in their position, family or not, i would hope they extend the same care for me. and so, i will do what i can - pray and hope for the best - leaving the rest up to God.

...it wont' be soon before long ....

that our time on earth is done too. the question is, did you live passionately ... full of love for family, life, others? did you make it worthwhile to validate your existence? someone asked me last year, "what is the meaning of life?" i answered, "to live and learn to every extend possible." my lovely med school pal, nikki, once told me when i was down, "it's not over until you're dead." until then, keep kicking, swimming or fighting!

ps - officially and gladly jumping off the wagon this weekend :) [happy birthday timbo, shorty and jtsuno]

crave

i gave into my chocolate craving .... oh it was a good piece though: dove dark chocolate ~ YUM! but inside the wrapper was a thought of the day type deal. it said, "sing along with the elevator music," just as the song "bittersweet symphony" by the verve was playing. that inspired me to blog.

thanksgiving is just around the corner. it's coming. it doesnt seem like it, but 2 weeks away! i cant wait to see my family. it's weird how lately both my mom's side and dad's side have been more tightly knit lately than ever. call it, the asian lack of communication gene. but especially since my immediate family is so scattered it's imperative that we do so. come to think of it, even with my 2nd family (my girls!) we've been doing so for awhile now, but lately i've come to cherish our plans made because we rarely see each other now.
ahhh, growing up......

my life since september has been pure chaos. i would love a routine ... even just for a month. im trying to get my life in order since it's a daily juggling act and not fall behind. i feel like i have to get it all done it one day: work, homework, study, clean, cook, workout, prepare a portion of an application..... and it starts all over again each day. i think realistically, ive sacrificed the cooking or cleaning or working out or applications - but getting 3-4 things of the daily list done is still exhausting. i hope i dont get sick, esp since there's a bug in the air & the weather's changing finally.

last nite i had a dream and there was this symbol that appeared. im a believer that dreams mean something. this symbol is a person i knew, but not really too extensively. in any rate, i've come to the conclusion that everytime i start to get serious with someone and that person appears in a dream - it's gonna be a big relationship. the odd thing is, my symbol appeared 2x in the past month. that's rare. i wonder what that means.

cant wait to let loose this weekend in norcal *^_^*

Limbo... right?

usually i have some creative pity thematic blog, but it wont be one of those today. i apologize. i blame the self-induced emotional rollercoaster i put myself on and my lack of sleep.

i had all these thoughts running through my head at a million miles an hour that i couldnt find the source of it. it bugged me. i let it fester for another 14hrs or so .... but by 1:01am tuesday morning, i couldnt take it anymore. to my journal i went (because i was still lacking a computer). my journal is simple. my uncle gave it to me when i was a sophomore in high schoool as a christmas gift with a cute pen. it has a picture of a schnouzer (b/c i am the year of the dog) and is spiral bound. i write in it if i cant sleep ... like that night.

i like to puruse the last entry i wrote or randomly pick from something a million and a half years ago. but that nite, i just picked the last one. it was from june 20, 2007. coincidentally enough, i was still venting about the same things. it struck me because that seemed so long ago, and yet, a similar situation that kept me up feeling flustered and vulnerable. i realized that i needed to get real with myself. i decided i truly wanted to be happy and that i was gonna really put my all into the steps to get me there. i was chasing ideas and things that didnt seem 100% me, but it was almost flirting with having to feed my ego .... (but oh, those things woulda been so great!)

more importantly, i learned that i needed to be more genuine with people. i would love to get back to the mentality that i could talk to another without having to guess how they would react if i did/said something. having not to do something to get a reaction out of them and hoping it'd be enough to create sparks...... it's like stimulating a nerve cell to generate an action potential, but the cell hasnt become depolarized enough for the action potential actually be made - so nothing happens. (yes, that was my nerd moment that hit me studying on sunday).

so goodbye to the thought of potentials. i'll know the real deal when it gets here!

no more over thinking. more action. /-\+ (that's my cowbell ... more cowbell!)

Endurance

1/2 marathon: 13.1 miles = DONE =) official finish time: 2hrs, 17 min, 45 sec. (-4 min for resting)

after about 6 weeks of "official" training, all mileage and sweat and nites of worrying i'd be able to squeeze a run into my day paid off. miles 1-3 were a slight blur: filled with looking for my bff luan whom i missed becuase of timing coordination mishaps (due to masses of people looking to park in downtown long beach), snaking through the walkers, and finding a good pace to stay at. miles 3-6 felt good, i was warmed up, picked up my pace a bit, and was enjoying the dock-side scenery. miles 6-9 were fairly grueling probably because thousands of people were squished into the bike path along the beach. it was beautiful, but like i said squishy. hehe. by mile 9, i was extatic, only 4 miles left .... mile 10, Gu-refueling station, mile 11-12: my legs were feeling tired and a bit numb. i must say, mile 12-13.1 ............ longest ever!

but i did it. i felt so accomplished. physically, my legs havent been this sore in a long while. mentally, i feel really proud of myself and my friends who finished it as well. growing up, i hated endurance sports .... when i was on the swim team in middle school, i was a sprinter. prior to starting my annual mud runs, i had never run more than 3 miles in my life. maybe biking doesnt quite apply to me, but for all intense purposes, i always hated the first 8-10 miles of the ride my parents/family would drag me on.

in any rate, this weekend was actually really inspirational for me. on friday, i learned something new: how to hit a taiko drum. yay ucla yukai taiko! it was really refreshing to meet new people, even though i was literally the oldest one there. they were all filled with such passion for taiko and for each other that their energy radiated to everyone around - including me.

on saturday, i officially have given up every saturday for the next 6 months to Team in Training. biking 100 miles in march! as i listened to an honored member speak of everything that he went through. he endured. after beating hodgkin's disease and leukemia, then a shoulder replacement, a hip replacement, and then a heart replacement (all secondary to chemotherapy), he did a triathalon with team in training in 2006. he said that he never ever wanted to forget that feeling of crossing the finish-line ever again (which is why he's doing it again).

his story made me think, when you are at your lowest of lows ... like facing death ... it's accomplishing the impossible that makes life entirely worth enduring every single hardship. training ... life experiences .... they are all lessions/hardships/etc you learn from and take with you for the real test - whether it be something as big as cancer or a race event or test ... there is nothing like that feeling of accomplishment. the moment you stop feeling, you are dead.

flashing back to mile 12 yesterday morning, it made me realize the interplay of life/endurance/accomplishment. i felt so much anticipation to finish ... it was a nearly indescribeable feeling. It really makes me feel like i can accomplish anything again. Yes, it will be hard, but i must endure. and endure i will .... and success to me now is like my mile 12 of 13.1.

feeling ... i never want to stop feeling.

Swim or Die Trying

I can only describe this week as treading water ... as hard as i possibily can, to keep from drowning. I like to call it: school-blues. I quickly flash back into my undergraduate and high school days where everything seemed to be poking at me in all directions, demanding my full attention. the past month, i have been taking it from all sides: work, school, home, physically, emotionally.

but today, i feel defeated. i have relied on things that are completely and utterly failing me at this point, and the only way to is to fix it but i can't afford it (e.g. my dear old brenda and computer). but i think the phone call from my dad today was the last straw.

i admit it, i am a twenty five year old woman that is still not financially independent. not because i choose to be, but because i am off chasing my dream. i was glad that my parents had decided to support me, but that was 2 years ago. and now, 2 years later, i feel as though their expectations aren't emotionally worth the my efforts. i can imagine my parents belaying the fact that i am not yet successful - or not even on track to be successful - at their dinner parties/social events/meeting new friends. i feel cursed the day that wretched email went out from you-know-who.

it was scary actually thinking about giving up my dream to make my parents happy (= finanically independent). all of this made me think: what is this all really worth? what have i accomplished in the past 3 years except falling flat on my face time and time again.

i hoping this is the kick in the butt that i need to get me into gear ... if only i had the time. so i have to make time ... (and hopefully not get sick) =(



Here's something i found post-writing this blog: by Kristina Grish (one of my new fav bloggers @ women's health mag)
Take the Wrong Path
I break such a sweat shaping my future according to expectations that when I'm thrown a curve, I see it as a personal affront and major energy-suck. Gena simply adapts. She isn't afraid to make mistakes or quit with no strings attached. I recently struggled for months over whether to break a contract because I no longer believed in the project. Gena advised: "Walk away. It's not you anymore." Of course, she was right. In her world, mistakes lead to more fuck-ups. (PS: That's not a bad thing.)
http://www.womenshealthmag.com/article/0,6176,s1-21-80-1881-1,00.html

Make Me Earn It

I like to keep some inspirational tidbids here b/c my memory fades, and i know when i look back i can look at this again and fill myself with a large cup of hope.



"Brick walls are there for a reason. They let us prove how badly we want things." -Randy Pausch (Carnegie Mellon University computer-science professor)
http://online.wsj.com/article/SB119024238402033039.html?mod=Moving+On


thanks do, it's awesome to get thru the mornings via gchat!

Fall Back & Spring Foward

call me a sentimentalist .... and i say this every year, but i love fall. it brings back the excitement of the 1st day of school / monday night football / the weather turning a bit cooler / sweater sales / backpacks filled with pens and notebooks / and most fondly: volleyball. :)

it rained last friday/saturday here in LA. saturday poured like cats and dogs out. seeing falling rain is romance in physical form. it's cold and comforting, drenching and bittersweet, sad and calming all at the same time. it makes you want to be cozy with hot chocolate, soft sweats and someone. on such rare southern californian occassions, i love to play "4 seasons of loneliness" not b/c im lonely (for the most part) but it just fits - like hot tomato soup and a grilled cheese sandwich. hahaha.

i would say my last post was quite sentimental, just because this time of year was quite different from where i am now. i like it now. i dont think i would be myself if i had stayed back there. in anyrate, time to spring foward admist fall (when you're suppose to fall back).

my most recent woes have been feeling very disconnected with the world, rather, my world. last week, myspace was officially filtered out of work-internet usage ... and sadly, gchat AND facebook fell victim to it today. in my craziness that i call school and work = life, i rarely have time to just chat anymore with close friends or continue my networking with old/newer friends on myspace. i was content as using it as my passive aggressive medium for keeping in touch since i never had time outside of work to do keep up with ALL of them. but now with running around for school and a computer virus at home ... i feel so .... cut off.

in my speech class, one student couldnt decided on her topic to make our first speech about, so she made a survey to help her choose between 2 topics. 1 of them was about internet communication. it sparked a small debate in class where my professor stated that she preferred to see the person b/c u miss out on so much. prior to that comment, i was completely for all for the gchat/aim/myspace/facebook/texting/emailing/cell phone calls .... why? because my family - this includes my biological family as well as 'the ohana' (the girls + a several priveleged few) - are so far away. and as of this year, it seems as though everyone just keeps going further away one-by-one. :( it really does make me sad and thankful at the same time. sad, for those who arent here or get to spend time doing random things like laundry or miso salmon/spaghetti nights with. but thankful for those who are still here. :)

as i begin my official 7th year in Los Angeles, California, i have yet to figure it out completely. "you know, that's the funny thing about life ... how it just jumps up and surprises you." - steve martin in 'father of the bride.' yes, the air quality/parking/traffic/hollywood-type snobby egocentric people really get on my nerves. however, i think ive made a fairly descent home for myself with a great network. i must remind myself though, that life is in a constant state of change where it's almost damn near impossible for things to ever stay the same. as i see myself for the next few months, that it's time to branch out. for example, going back to smc - i come into contact with new classmates or starting team-in-training for that century bike ride = new people. amist my crazy schedule, i somehow have to keep my eye on the prize.

(however, i think my norcal friends would love to hear that in the event i dont make it into PT school again, i'd seriously consider a move up north to get my bearings again.)
BUT that's not gonna happen!!! (sorry kids, i miss and love u much :P)