Dear personal psychologist (aka bloggie)

why it's so difficult for me to emotionally trust others?

let's explore that shall we?

when i was 8, i wished i had the power to read minds - so that i knew how to act. i think it was so that i could combat all those bullies who picked on me throughout my elementary school years. but sometimes i see that it continues to plague me still to this day. mostly apparent in how i approach basketball - i hate starting the game (when it does happen), because i like to see the tempo of the game and adjust accordingly. for example, if i see that the girls need more defense, when i get in there, i play the best defense possible. i am truly a reactionary person - id rather wait to react rather than anticipate. in turn, i put everyone above me - i let them choose the direction of the game.

it's an odd contradiction at this point in my life. as a full-fledged "adult," i feel when it comes to personal decisions that only pertain to myself, i can do that. however, when one or more persons are involved, they are put ahead of me. what's more interesting, i can probably say that i can trust anyone with my life, but not with my emotions. in other words- i value my heart more than my physical life. strange how one part of me is so hard to give when i willingly give everything else at any given moment if asked. perhaps it's because i can see the immediate cost-benefits; whereas with matters of the heart, the heaven only knows what will return or happen.

well, all i can say is that identifying it is a great step and that i'll work on it ... progress WAS made today- thank you :)
keep you posted, chao for now.

The end of an era

An Ode to my apt at Stoner ave-

4 yrs in one place is a long time ... it's like going through college/high school again. how quickly time flies and oh how much I've learned here. if these walls could talk ... i think they'd fondly laugh at how silly i was. all the good and bad, fights and friendships, old habits and new directions. as much as i hate this apt for its quirks (e.g. the wintertime icebox, a cricket's haven in summer, and the uber sensitive smoke-detector), i love it because it has been a HOME for me- a safe haven from the harsh realities of adulthood, and a place where I've matured and nurtured.

as bittersweet my farewell to this place i am giving it, i wonder if my roommate feels even half as much as i do for the apt? i can help but channel feelings of abandonment for her leaving. i wonder if it was anything i had done ... or not done? all in all, life does go on- and yet as i move forward into a new chapter in my life, i question what impact i've made ... did i leave my footprint? did this time mean something to anyone else besides me? only time will tell~ sa la vie!

so goodbye to my post-college era and hello full fledged adulthood. goodbye apt, you've been a really sweet home to me and i will never forget you :*)

send love out and receive it back in return.
love free from fear, doubt, ego.
send it beyond this moment, further than the future, and back from the past.
I've said this before (and I should really listen this time): let it go; for to live is to love.

I don't want to be afraid to live anymore.
one day soon I will be able to enjoy my life how I would like to by exploring new hobbies or one day drive a more dependable car ... have a career with meaning in my life.

peace + love --> (yield) happiness

so just like Carla did on 'Top Chef'- I'm sending the love out there~

mind bottling

what does the future hold? how will my life pan out? will i grow to be old? will i have children of my own? how will i make my mark in the world?

in life we learn to love, but in love there is life.

"que cira cira - whatever we'll be, we'll be ... the future's not our's to see ..."

don't think just do.
live.
love.

it's hard to see the light in all this darkness.

faith lies in hope.

today i cannot see, but there is the possibility of tomorrow.

today i want more for myself.
today i miss my heart.

tomorrow or tomorrow's tomorrow greatness will reveal itself.

crave, want, desire

i want adventure in the great white somewhere.
something more than this provincial life.
there must be something more ...

so much to do, so much to see.

i want my days to be worthwhile instead of loathing them. i crave experiences in foreign lands and mental pictures that my own eyes have processed.

i truly desire more ... that's all i can say for now.

S.O.S.

Save our souls... lost! amongst the sea of life.

writers often use ocean or water motifs in their work to describe life, most likely to show how unstable and unpredictable it is. the ebb and flow of the ocean tide resembles the cyclic pattern of life. writers to portray their protagonist as capitan of a boat in which they must endure the challenges the sea presents. but does our hero ever find the land that he is looking for? or does he continue on ... doomed to sail the earth forever in search of the unattainable ...? lucky for our character, his life depends on his creator. it is the creator who develops and shapes through series of tests. moreover, the creator determines the fate of our beloved protagonist.

yesterday i found myself catching up with a friend who is literally in the same boat: the SS-frustrating job with little pay.

as i stuggle for financial independence, the pressure from my parents to suceed in this way is extremely high. let us also include the failing economy that ultimately determines the direction of my livelihood - if i can afford to eat out, drive to basketball, have a few drinks at the end of the week, buy myself something nice. it has been such a stressful task to reallocate wants and desires for only the necessities. with a mixture of anxiety and apprehension i ask myself: am i suppose to have everything figured out? how? when? and where did my passion for life go? after 8 years in L.A., have i earned the right to call myself a full-fledged adult?

very early this morning, i discovered that i had lost some sort of faith in the world around me ... more disturbingly, i lost faith in myself ... my abilities ... my worth. i felt lost amongst a sea of dreamers.

when i was little, i would love to get lost ... because i always found something new from it. it was I who discovered something - and it was exhilirating and special. but why am i so scared to get lost now? for the past month, i had been toying with so many theories to explain this period in my life ... to somehow throw me into the mist of something new - but nothing wanted to come out. perphaps ive become disillusioned that dreams can come true and as much as i say i have to move on from past dreams of becoming a Physical Therapist - i am still heartbroken from that fact.

so where does my ship take me now? i shall call this the period of discovery. time to set sail to conquer the 7 seas. it's time to get lost again ... in hopes of finding my passion once more.

where there is passion, there is happiness ... and in the end, love.