hate this place- physically, mentally, emotionally. change is typically reflected in a positive light. and yet, no one - including myself - really ever fully realizes the reality of it all. in my case, i think i found the other side of change's coin: the bottom side. i think it's mainly the fact that this is not MY place and I do not feel comfortable at all. all my recent change was the result of others' decisions.
i hate the noise the factory across the street makes. i hate the random car booming it's bass or rev-ing its engine. i hate seeing the cars behind me glare as i slow down to turn into my own parking garage. i hate having to wear ear plugs to sleep. i hate feeling that i always have to clean up after myself. i hate thinking a roommate is pissed at me because they are moody. i hate my crazy boss who can't get her head out of the 90's. i hate that she stirs the pot and claims she is not one. i hate that i work so hard and cannot earn enough to enjoy my life outside of work. i hate feeling left behind. i hate not being able to travel to see my loved ones. i hate that my car is unreliable. i hate waiting for the unknown. i hate knowing that i am not a true priority right now.
this is the past 2 months of me. how did this happen? i found balance. i found me and strived to live through love ... and now i hate. i know all those things above is what i don't want, and therefore, hate. such the thinnest line between the two ... for too long have i been struggling! 4 months of emotional, physical, mental turmoil churning from my heart to my head- resulting in pure, utter disappointment and self-pity.
goodness gracious, i don't want to be here anymore!
20 August 2009
02 August 2009
impasse
in my previous relationship, i learned that hesitation & fear led to missing my turn. i also learned that loving someone else meant loving them for who they are in their entirety and expecting nothing more that for them to be themselves.
in this relationship i am learning the vastness of love. i've learned that the clique, "you can only love another if/when you love yourself," is true. in this relationship i've learned to let the other act on their own and to communicate how their actions effect me.
but what happens when you get weary and it causes you to not love so much. (there goes a monkey-wrench in the love machine.) how does the problem get solved when the party that is able to compromise has nothing left to compromise? seems as though we have a stale-mate on our hands.
how does love fix a stale-mate? something's gotta give ... right? if the solution arises more questions, then it's really not the true solution. usually it's: answer, then deal with it. if only life changing decisions were that simple ...
gotta keep the faith that i'll get out of the tunnel. i wonder what awaits on the other side.
in this relationship i am learning the vastness of love. i've learned that the clique, "you can only love another if/when you love yourself," is true. in this relationship i've learned to let the other act on their own and to communicate how their actions effect me.
but what happens when you get weary and it causes you to not love so much. (there goes a monkey-wrench in the love machine.) how does the problem get solved when the party that is able to compromise has nothing left to compromise? seems as though we have a stale-mate on our hands.
how does love fix a stale-mate? something's gotta give ... right? if the solution arises more questions, then it's really not the true solution. usually it's: answer, then deal with it. if only life changing decisions were that simple ...
gotta keep the faith that i'll get out of the tunnel. i wonder what awaits on the other side.
19 June 2009
Dear personal psychologist (aka bloggie)
why it's so difficult for me to emotionally trust others?
let's explore that shall we?
when i was 8, i wished i had the power to read minds - so that i knew how to act. i think it was so that i could combat all those bullies who picked on me throughout my elementary school years. but sometimes i see that it continues to plague me still to this day. mostly apparent in how i approach basketball - i hate starting the game (when it does happen), because i like to see the tempo of the game and adjust accordingly. for example, if i see that the girls need more defense, when i get in there, i play the best defense possible. i am truly a reactionary person - id rather wait to react rather than anticipate. in turn, i put everyone above me - i let them choose the direction of the game.
it's an odd contradiction at this point in my life. as a full-fledged "adult," i feel when it comes to personal decisions that only pertain to myself, i can do that. however, when one or more persons are involved, they are put ahead of me. what's more interesting, i can probably say that i can trust anyone with my life, but not with my emotions. in other words- i value my heart more than my physical life. strange how one part of me is so hard to give when i willingly give everything else at any given moment if asked. perhaps it's because i can see the immediate cost-benefits; whereas with matters of the heart, the heaven only knows what will return or happen.
well, all i can say is that identifying it is a great step and that i'll work on it ... progress WAS made today- thank you :)
keep you posted, chao for now.
let's explore that shall we?
when i was 8, i wished i had the power to read minds - so that i knew how to act. i think it was so that i could combat all those bullies who picked on me throughout my elementary school years. but sometimes i see that it continues to plague me still to this day. mostly apparent in how i approach basketball - i hate starting the game (when it does happen), because i like to see the tempo of the game and adjust accordingly. for example, if i see that the girls need more defense, when i get in there, i play the best defense possible. i am truly a reactionary person - id rather wait to react rather than anticipate. in turn, i put everyone above me - i let them choose the direction of the game.
it's an odd contradiction at this point in my life. as a full-fledged "adult," i feel when it comes to personal decisions that only pertain to myself, i can do that. however, when one or more persons are involved, they are put ahead of me. what's more interesting, i can probably say that i can trust anyone with my life, but not with my emotions. in other words- i value my heart more than my physical life. strange how one part of me is so hard to give when i willingly give everything else at any given moment if asked. perhaps it's because i can see the immediate cost-benefits; whereas with matters of the heart, the heaven only knows what will return or happen.
well, all i can say is that identifying it is a great step and that i'll work on it ... progress WAS made today- thank you :)
keep you posted, chao for now.
04 June 2009
The end of an era
An Ode to my apt at Stoner ave-
4 yrs in one place is a long time ... it's like going through college/high school again. how quickly time flies and oh how much I've learned here. if these walls could talk ... i think they'd fondly laugh at how silly i was. all the good and bad, fights and friendships, old habits and new directions. as much as i hate this apt for its quirks (e.g. the wintertime icebox, a cricket's haven in summer, and the uber sensitive smoke-detector), i love it because it has been a HOME for me- a safe haven from the harsh realities of adulthood, and a place where I've matured and nurtured.
as bittersweet my farewell to this place i am giving it, i wonder if my roommate feels even half as much as i do for the apt? i can help but channel feelings of abandonment for her leaving. i wonder if it was anything i had done ... or not done? all in all, life does go on- and yet as i move forward into a new chapter in my life, i question what impact i've made ... did i leave my footprint? did this time mean something to anyone else besides me? only time will tell~ sa la vie!
so goodbye to my post-college era and hello full fledged adulthood. goodbye apt, you've been a really sweet home to me and i will never forget you :*)
4 yrs in one place is a long time ... it's like going through college/high school again. how quickly time flies and oh how much I've learned here. if these walls could talk ... i think they'd fondly laugh at how silly i was. all the good and bad, fights and friendships, old habits and new directions. as much as i hate this apt for its quirks (e.g. the wintertime icebox, a cricket's haven in summer, and the uber sensitive smoke-detector), i love it because it has been a HOME for me- a safe haven from the harsh realities of adulthood, and a place where I've matured and nurtured.
as bittersweet my farewell to this place i am giving it, i wonder if my roommate feels even half as much as i do for the apt? i can help but channel feelings of abandonment for her leaving. i wonder if it was anything i had done ... or not done? all in all, life does go on- and yet as i move forward into a new chapter in my life, i question what impact i've made ... did i leave my footprint? did this time mean something to anyone else besides me? only time will tell~ sa la vie!
so goodbye to my post-college era and hello full fledged adulthood. goodbye apt, you've been a really sweet home to me and i will never forget you :*)
30 March 2009
send love out and receive it back in return.
love free from fear, doubt, ego.
send it beyond this moment, further than the future, and back from the past.
I've said this before (and I should really listen this time): let it go; for to live is to love.
I don't want to be afraid to live anymore.
one day soon I will be able to enjoy my life how I would like to by exploring new hobbies or one day drive a more dependable car ... have a career with meaning in my life.
peace + love --> (yield) happiness
so just like Carla did on 'Top Chef'- I'm sending the love out there~
love free from fear, doubt, ego.
send it beyond this moment, further than the future, and back from the past.
I've said this before (and I should really listen this time): let it go; for to live is to love.
I don't want to be afraid to live anymore.
one day soon I will be able to enjoy my life how I would like to by exploring new hobbies or one day drive a more dependable car ... have a career with meaning in my life.
peace + love --> (yield) happiness
so just like Carla did on 'Top Chef'- I'm sending the love out there~
25 February 2009
mind bottling
what does the future hold? how will my life pan out? will i grow to be old? will i have children of my own? how will i make my mark in the world?
in life we learn to love, but in love there is life.
"que cira cira - whatever we'll be, we'll be ... the future's not our's to see ..."
don't think just do.
live.
love.
in life we learn to love, but in love there is life.
"que cira cira - whatever we'll be, we'll be ... the future's not our's to see ..."
don't think just do.
live.
love.
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