simplification

those who think they are straight forward are actually pretty complex. or conversely, we find their way of thinking hugely complicated. insert my catch-phrase here: it's all about perspective.

dating is so frustratingly complicated. we all hope one day we'll meet that very person ... "the one." at yet, we have no idea what in the world to expect. for the time being, we meet others who come so close and yet fail in some minute way. so here comes my rant of the day and then i can drift off to sleep in hopes of getting another step closer to happiness: i want to be loved, simply for me. no version of me... no situation where i have to sacrifice everything... love everything that i am now, that i was, and what i will be. simple, true, pure. and i will promise the same.

"tomorrow... maybe tomorrow..."
(richey lam - ghost)

by Mark Twain

"On with the dance, let joy be unconfined..."

Self-Worth

I begun to realize how fickle my faith is in myself. Growing up, I, like everyone else, developed insecurities. But as I've matured, I've learned that I can handle most situations. But really, handling them to what extent?

I believe I've found the virus that has been plaguing my post-graduate life: a devalued self-worth. I didn't graduate with the best of grades, did not get into graduate schools, nor is my personal life clearly marked. I've noticed that in my work and personal relationships that I almost had to shake them and say, "DO YOU KNOW HOW GOOD I AM?," but never did ... I was too arrogant or unassertive enough to be able to stand up for myself. I always thought my work speaked for itself. As it did, but the other side did not realize it until much later.

So what is self-worth? It's an undeniable confidence in yourself and abilities. )For some, it comes off as arrogance, but with arrogance there is an underlying layer of ignorance or a sophmoric attitude. Again, I stress the key word in that last statement is confidence.) It's essentially having your own back, unafraid of not reaching your goal ... it's not settling or compromising yourself.

A close friend and I have the same struggle. We tell each other the same advice all the time. But now, I really want better for myself. I deserve better for myself and for everything that I stand for. (Knowing and realizing are 2, entirely seperate entities). This won't be an easy thing to change, because it also involves self-confidence which has come few and far inbetween lately. But at least I know I will be working on it...

'Til next time ...

Bah hum bug... rant

I miss gentlemanly behavior.

I miss receiving flowers for the sole reason of being thought of.

The holidays always makes me wishful, but always for something more than I can attain. I think that's why it makes some depressed ... because they want something that's almost impossible in this time.

Dear Christmas, it's been a pretty emotional year but I hope that you'll bring me peace of mind, serenity, and please bring back my full-loving heart. Bring my destiny to a reality.

Don't know which one I've had

Good is good and bad is bad. But you don't know which one you've had. -Sheryl Crow

When I think about it, this has been a very stressful year. I went from being happy to having had a lot of things fall apart. It makes me wonder if being happy at the time was just a bandaid ... something to hide the root of the problem.

Sheryl Crow's song previously reminded me to keep the good things and the bad things separate, so that I can remember the good and move forward from the bad. But that second line dawned on me this morning ... what if I cannot tell which was what? What if the good was really bad and vice versa. I don't know ... I always feel like I am learning this big lession, but I always feel like I am struggling. I want to ENJOY my life ... I think I've learned to love someone else so much that I forgot to love my own life.

Living the "single life" again has been quite the experience ... much more idiotic things have happened since the last time. It's pointed out to me what I had, what I didn't have, and what I want. Too bad they're all in different people.

I am hoping for a change in the tide. Somehow reinvent myself for true success and happiness. Until then, my search continues ...

just checking in

it's been very crazy since I returned from my China trip...
i wonder if i will ever have a normal routine again. the instability worries me. i feel like since everything around me is so uncontrolled because I am not controlling anything.

i honestly miss him. but there are so many things that are so unreasonable to me. he broke my heart and made me so disillusioned about life that i dont even know what to do. how does one say that it's ok that he doesnt want me to move in, doesnt believe in marriage, and wants me to wait for him? that makes no sense.

i just want things to go my way ... i miss the warmth in my life. i still feel so lost. i just want to be whole again.

thank you for listening. i didnt know who else to turn to.

The "Before 30 Bucket List"- Part 1

In 2.55 years, I would like to accomplish:

1. Complete a full Ironman
2. Clear credit card debit
3. Zip-linging in Costa Rica
4. See Auroa Borealis with my own eyes
5. Greece/Spain/Italy
6. Petra/Egypt
7. Ride from San Francisco to LA

... to be continued