crave, want, desire

i want adventure in the great white somewhere.
something more than this provincial life.
there must be something more ...

so much to do, so much to see.

i want my days to be worthwhile instead of loathing them. i crave experiences in foreign lands and mental pictures that my own eyes have processed.

i truly desire more ... that's all i can say for now.

S.O.S.

Save our souls... lost! amongst the sea of life.

writers often use ocean or water motifs in their work to describe life, most likely to show how unstable and unpredictable it is. the ebb and flow of the ocean tide resembles the cyclic pattern of life. writers to portray their protagonist as capitan of a boat in which they must endure the challenges the sea presents. but does our hero ever find the land that he is looking for? or does he continue on ... doomed to sail the earth forever in search of the unattainable ...? lucky for our character, his life depends on his creator. it is the creator who develops and shapes through series of tests. moreover, the creator determines the fate of our beloved protagonist.

yesterday i found myself catching up with a friend who is literally in the same boat: the SS-frustrating job with little pay.

as i stuggle for financial independence, the pressure from my parents to suceed in this way is extremely high. let us also include the failing economy that ultimately determines the direction of my livelihood - if i can afford to eat out, drive to basketball, have a few drinks at the end of the week, buy myself something nice. it has been such a stressful task to reallocate wants and desires for only the necessities. with a mixture of anxiety and apprehension i ask myself: am i suppose to have everything figured out? how? when? and where did my passion for life go? after 8 years in L.A., have i earned the right to call myself a full-fledged adult?

very early this morning, i discovered that i had lost some sort of faith in the world around me ... more disturbingly, i lost faith in myself ... my abilities ... my worth. i felt lost amongst a sea of dreamers.

when i was little, i would love to get lost ... because i always found something new from it. it was I who discovered something - and it was exhilirating and special. but why am i so scared to get lost now? for the past month, i had been toying with so many theories to explain this period in my life ... to somehow throw me into the mist of something new - but nothing wanted to come out. perphaps ive become disillusioned that dreams can come true and as much as i say i have to move on from past dreams of becoming a Physical Therapist - i am still heartbroken from that fact.

so where does my ship take me now? i shall call this the period of discovery. time to set sail to conquer the 7 seas. it's time to get lost again ... in hopes of finding my passion once more.

where there is passion, there is happiness ... and in the end, love.

Fears

Our Greatest Fear —Marianne Williamson

it is our light not our darkness that most frightens us

Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate.

Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure.

It is our light not our darkness that most frightens us.

We ask ourselves, who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous,
talented and fabulous?

Actually, who are you not to be?

You are a child of God.

Your playing small does not serve the world.

There's nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other

people won't feel insecure around you.

We were born to make manifest the glory of
God that is within us.

It's not just in some of us; it's in everyone.

And as we let our own light shine,
we unconsciously give other people
permission to do the same.

As we are liberated from our own fear,
Our presence automatically liberates others.

—Marianne Williamson
[Often said to have been quoted in a speech by Nelson Mandela. The source is Return to Love by Marianne Williamson, Harper Collins, 1992. —Peter McLaughlin]

"The Reason" lyrics

I'm not a perfect person/There's many things I wish I didn't do/But I continue learning/I never meant to do those things to you/And so I have to say before I go/That I just want you to know/I've found a reason for me/To change who I used to be/A reason to start over new/and the reason is you

I'm sorry that I hurt you/It's something I must live with everyday/And all the pain I put you through/I wish that I could take it all away/And be the one who catches all your tears/Thats why i need you to hear/I've found a reason for me/To change who I used to be/A reason to start over newand the reason is You

I'm not a perfect person/I never meant to do those things to you/And so I have to say before I go/That I just want you to knowI've found a reason for me/To change who I used to be/A reason to start over new/and the reason is you/I've found a reason to show/A side of me you didn't know/A reason for all that I do/And the reason is you.

it's bittersweet really. hardship and sadness in love and forward change. i thank you for making me better. i hope that one day we both will understand why.

just love

live in love.

to live in fear is to not to live at all.
fear is the denial of oneself.

to live in love is to accept happiness we did not see coming.
love is divine excellence.

it's been said that 'love conquers all.'
love is all consuming.

are you ready?
do you believe?

love and happiness - it does exist if you let it just happen.
it has ... it will continue to find me.

the pursuit of MY happiness

since the 6th grade i had this idea in my head that i wanted to become a P.T. i think it was because i was so heavily into sports that it simply seemed right even though i hadnt the faintest idea of what it was exactly. in college, i discovered the true, all-encompassing rehabilitative extent that physical therapy could provide for people. i wanted more than life to be apart of it. it felt like my calling. the down side to all of this: my grades. unforturnately, throughout the entire medical field, a competitive GPA is required for admission into graduate study. i do not fit that critium - hell, i am lucky to even call myself an UCLA graduate.

lately i've been struggling with a new career direction. i've recently decided that i will not be persuing physical therapy school any longer. after 3 years of applying, i no longer possess the passion fueling my aspirations to become a physical therapist. this pursuit toward financial happiness is reminiscent and almost analogus to a relationship ... like ideals toward love.

for example: love is simple. therefore, a relationship should not be so difficult. granted a fair amount of work has to be done upon a daily basis. but fundamentally, it shouldn't be hard. now applied toward P.T. school - it shouldn't be this hard ... and i perphaps should have had the grades in the first place.

furthermore, i firmly believe that learning about and how to love is a lifelong process. many hold a firm idea and even theorize about love (especially myself), but it's difficult to actually conceptualize and articulate what it is exactly. as far as i know so far, love just exists ... it just is. that leads me to believe that perphaps my love for physical therapy was just an idea; perphaps it was something that i just wanted in my life but did not stop to truly see if it fit with me and my life at this point. (think: round hole, square peg).

don't get me wrong, i truly believe that anyone can be AWESOME at anything if they choose to. i think i would do well as a physical therapist. but realistically, i do not know how well i would fair in P.T.-school itself. perphaps that is what all of the admissions committees have been seeing all along, and i was just hoping that i could prove them wrong.

the discontent in my life is written all over my face this morning. i hold all this passion inside, so entirely overwhelming that i want to cry.

i WANT to do something great~ ... utilize my talents~ ... make my mark in this world.

so, goodbye to an old dream ... no tears, no sadness. it is almost bittersweet.

i am looking forward to a new endeavor. this is my opportunity to make a real dream come true ... to find my true passion and excel.

i just wonder if i will find it or will it somehow find me?

life & liberty

i thought that title appropriate since i just returned from philadelphia, PA. seeing how important/inspirational the liberty bell was for people throughout american history was actually surprising. not much emphasis upon the symbolic importance from the liberty bell is apparent these days ... but i am proud to recognize the american spirit to endure and drive foward to help us gain freedoms not everyone held before is truly an amazing thing.

however, i did not appreciate seeing a sticker at the famous geno's philly cheesesteak saying, "i am american. i speak english." it's exceptionally racist as well as inconsistent with history. america was and still is built upon immigrants. integrating new cultures and values is not easy, but is something truly amazing that we can all co-exist together peacefully. i also did not enjoy walking throughout the city with my teammates (whom were also all chinese/asian) and hearing people asks us if we spoke english.

my rating of philadelphia: like the mediocre apricot tarte i tasted prior to this trip - that city has a lot of potential. it is beautiful, but its people do not take pride in their city ... and it shows. they do not embrace difference. i thought it was the 'city of brotherly love'? perphaps i was spoiled being raised in san francisco, where culture and diversity are celebrated ... spoiled from living in los angeles, where each culture is influences life.

i just wish the rest of the country could remember the basis of our existence: life & liberty ... freedom by way of embracing differences.